There Be No Demons Here

It’s been said that we all have inner demons.

I beg to differ since I have class IX fire-breathing, steely-scaled, stealth, ultimate desolation creating, ass-obliterating dragons.

Solitary creatures requiring their space. Intolerant of demons or any other such predatory beasts drawing breath.

Placated well enough, they will snooze comfortably, often for months or years on end.

As far as terms and conditions, they were not a complimentary bonus with the incarnation birth deal but took up residence untold decades ago after one too many boundary encroachments and traumas.

Their presence serves a crucial purpose.

Reflecting over my childhood, teenage, and young adult years, there were flashbacks of emotional volatility. I now see that I had the fear-inducing, formidable roar of a hissing kitten. If there wasn’t a lot of background noise, the general public might hear it just enough to be aware that it existed at all. Unless living on a deserted island full of kittens, this siren was impractical for wide-ranging social interactions where the tiny furballs become casualties unless they cut a trail and hide.

My Mom put me in a martial arts class.

Erratic patterns of my getting picked on and beat up years after starting school warranted resolution. Mom had natural assertive tendencies. I did not.

Depending on geographical location and your circumstances, this may or may not be an early lesson learned.

Not everyone you meet is going to be a nice person.

Anger was one of those emotional states that I never fully understood. I knew that it could take you to places where the loss of control and logic would be involuntary. Courtroom dockets filled decades over with crimes of passion. The vengeance of a spurned lover. Parental punishment crossing rational lines. Financial frustrations unleashed. In almost Vulcan-like fashion, suppression is deemed socially acceptable, professional even—but predominantly for negative emotions like anger—it’s just bad news.

Scientific disagreement and contentious debate as to whether emotions are hardwired into the brain is ongoing. However, there are varying listings of the type and number of basic human emotions identifiable according to scientific study.

Anger makes all lists.

I figure all of our components serve a purpose. Anger can’t be all bad. What does it do for me? For us?

You won’t find an evidence-based scientific research trail here. Only philosophical reflections with a sprinkling of science seasoning for remembrance recipe takeaways and modification as seen fit.

There’s a difference between anger and rage.

Anger is the hostile feelings and aggression emerging when an internal balance gets disrupted by external forces. It is an innate reaction closely aligned with primitive fight or flight mechanisms for self-preservation. But rage is different. It is explosive anger that is potentially violent and dangerous. Rage is justifiably scary. Anger is controllable. Rage requires stronger armaments (dealer’s choice whether literal or figurative.)

In the professional development training I’ve had for de-escalation techniques, primary emphasis was always on picking up covert and overt behaviors or signals. It’s the reason why, as a child like so many others, I would get frustrated watching the TV scenes where you just “knew somebody was gonna get clobbered” and “why didn’t they just move!” Subtle cues detected made us pay attention, and since we wanted to live as children, we knew a mother’s stare or the change in a father’s vocal tone meant back off.

De-escalation principles contend that there are almost always warning signs.

Anger is my Early Warning System (EWS). It has an alarm that transitions into a full-blown deafening siren which wakes my relaxing, monstrous, sharp-clawed dragons if I don’t handle a situation immediately.

I’ve never been one to fly off the handle, thanks to the DNA contribution of my Dad, whose voice was rarely loud. Once in a blue moon, when he did shout, running and hiding was the only option while the heavens trembled, sending birds to sudden flight and wild animals lightning scattering in all directions.

It takes a LOT to get me visibly angry, but I recognize the glowing embers with a quickness. Destruction is guaranteed if the dragons awake. Anger is the spacer emotion that protects my equilibrium and prevents an arrest warrant.

The amygdala is the chief structure in the brain, more or less governing our emotions. This component overrides the cortex which controls the judgment and cognitive (thought) aspects of the brain. It is physiological proof that we can act out of anger before rationally thinking our actions through (hence the plausible legal defense.)

Lowered levels of serotonin (a neurotransmitter; read: chemical messenger carrying signals) in cerebrospinal fluid (or CSF; think clear cushioning fluid surrounding your central nervous system i.e. brain and spinal cord) with catecholamine (another neurotransmitter) combined with hormones like adrenaline and noradrenaline are essentially an ‘anger soup.’ But unlike granny’s scrumptious pot, this stuff can linger for hours and even days.

Prolonged heightened states of anger predispose brains to aggressive responses due to biochemical status. In other words, staying mad for a long time allows tiny irritants to make you even more pissed off as your pissivity threshold (or activation point for being pissed) is lowered because of those chemicals bopping around. Inevitably, this leads to increased outbreaks of anger. Now you know why hotheads are hotheads (if you didn’t already.)

Serotonin activity has proven a predictor of hostile traits in some studies. The research suggests that uncontrolled, sustained anger states can change brain function interactions with serotonin, predisposing one to violent tendencies.

I now have a voice, that with or without audio, can summon presence past hellfire instilling fear should I need to use it.

I view anger as a catalyst spurring me to action whilst it is consumed in the process. How many times in life would I not have moved, spoke out, taken action, protected a boundary, or grown by leaps and bounds had I not been angry enough?

With innumerable unique anger intensity variations, measuring may yet be beyond the parameters of accurate scientific mapping. But I understand my intensity levels well. Without anger as the EWS protection rousing me to action, I shudder to think where I could have ended up at vital points in my life. After someone I trusted covertly, intentionally, and repeatedly tried to hurt my child. When outright violations were muttered under breath to me, protected by the deliberate safety of no one else being within earshot. A flagrant legal statute violation nearly resulting in an unprovoked dog attack on my person. The expert deceptive manager executing CYA mastery skills (Translation: Cover. Your. Ass.) while throwing mine under a double-decker bus.

Not everyone you meet is going to be a nice person.

But I make it a point not to let that change who I am. Allowing someone else to make me angry puts the control of my emotions with someone else. I’ll monitor my own buttons thanks.

I have listened carefully to the lessons anger has taught over the years.

I heard how a woman with mental health challenges used anger to clear/cleanse a crowded room. It was powerful. I’d catch dubious, deceptive, halting speech becoming forthright and truth crystal clear when angered. It was sobering. I’ve observed victims of sexual assault and abuse rise up as survivors and formidable adversaries. It was poetic justice.

I saw the scrawniest become the scrappiest. The underdogs become ultimate warriors. And broken-boned and bruised sound the battle cry. It was epic.

Personal conclusions: Anger is not the negative, dark, bad boy emotion to be hidden away and suppressed at all costs. Just efficiently managed. It can adjust my perceptions to grant eagle-eyed focus with memory on high alert. Do not forget this moment. There is something you need to understand. Take notice. Expand awareness. Perceive and proceed with clarity and caution. That’s all it was meant to do.

Take care with your inner demons if you have them. Bloodthirsty chupacabras. Vicious werewolves. A fearsome Medusa in your possession. They may or may not ever go away, but control is always within your grasp.

Learn well what they have to teach you. Keep them adequately nourished and contentedly tucked away with proximity detectors in an undisclosed location.

For here, there be dragons.

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