The White Horse

When I was a child, I knew I was different. It was apparent from the things I liked to the things I detested. --For example, I did not appreciate the sounds of banjo or the Country Music Singer's caterwauling strumming on a guitar. It hurt my ears. I despised chicken and dumplings and would leave the table if someone said "Squirrel." My friends considered me disloyal because of my sensibilities.

I also did not appreciate fashion and those people that walked funny on TV. I never found that entertaining and still find it hard to watch today. But on the other hand, I liked things that most people didn't, like fishing, walking in the woods (in the daytime). I started to notice early I was planning to make a life with a husband. I didn't think there was anything odd about it. However, people around me found statements like that to be appalling and not uttered aloud.

I sat several times in confusion after hearing preachers talk about people going to hell, yet they spoke of women when it was just the men around, and it was never polite. I couldn't help but notice what they said when it was just the men and what they said when everyone was around were two different things. But I found myself so attracted to the boys. I liked everything about them.

I noticed things that happened to me when boys were around, which didn't happen when girls were near me. Then people began to see. I grew to be shunned by what would be the "Normal" people. I didn't mind that much most of the time. I was happier alone anyway meant less conflict, arguments and that meant less stress for me. I loved less stress. It seemed there was stress and pain everywhere I turned.

I grew quiet and withdrawn, and I watched. The more I watched, the more dissatisfied I grew with humans and distrusting. I saw their hypocrisy and felt their condemnation, and I heard their you can't get married: it's a sin, while they cheated on their wives or husbands. So, I grew to hate them from the shadows, and then I started to numb my life. The pain of being me grew to be so overwhelming at times I considered suicide but was too chicken, so I drank, and I mean I drank.

Every chance I got, I drank to numb my life. I drank every day to the point of passing out, committing temporary suicide every day. Then my life fell completely apart. Finally, I had to sit down and face myself, the ultimate monster. I have heard it said the arduous person to meet is yourself it is true. When I finally was forced to sit down and look myself in the face and see what my actions had brought me to then, I saw there was room to change.

It took me surrendering and finding a program that worked for me. I was fortunate in that I found AA and found old-timers that held my hand through the process of getting sober. They showed me I had a straightforward thing to change that was everything. They showed me that I needed to learn how to eat better, think better and helped me through everyday tasks. For example, things that would have overwhelmed me months earlier were now doable.

They were laughing and talking, joking that amazed me. I wanted that and needed that in my life. I was concerned for my health through the process, making sure I knew what was serious and what wasn't, when to seek help and when to calm down. They gave me slogans to help me through everyday challenges, and I still use these today years later. I found there are rumors about AA; some are true and unfortunate. Others, however, are dead wrong, like the, "Only 5 percent get sober." The statistics are false because there are sober people that don't participate in the surveys.

Others still don't have time or haven't registered with the main office, while even more treasure anonymity and refuse to participate in statistics. When I learned this information, it made me rethink becoming a part of a program that has saved so many lives. Some say it is a cult. I'm afraid I have to disagree cults keep people in their circle. AA sends people out into the community to help others get sober.

I found hope in the AA program, where there was none before. It gave me the courage to face myself and let the world see the Gay me accept me for who I am. The most astonishing aspect of this, my father passed away knowing I was gay, and of all the people he loved me anyway, I never dreamed he would be the one that would stand by me after that confession. Finally, a gay Hillbilly that's family accepted him, and later on, received my partner.

I leave you with this. Things will look bleak and dark. You will have times where you will feel there is no hope. But those are times your future is realigning, and something better is coming into alignment for you. So, allow yourself some time to find your way. Follow the signposts the Universe is trying to guide you. Don't keep saying "No" to that direction. It might be the best direction of your lifetime, and it may change everything in ways you never dreamed possible. Don't be afraid of humble beginnings because the road doesn't have a flashy road sign that says "Turn here."