Meeting Real Self

I sit here tonight typing, thinking about those days, those painful drying out days. My head and body were numb and defeated. You see, I knew traumatic events, but nothing so profoundly personal and so deeply painful had ever happened to me as getting sober. I felt like the universe was abusing me at times.

I listened to what people told me to do, waiting to get the feeling back in my arms and legs. I sat for hours at times, reading the big book. They told me to "Read the book with eyes of someone trying to see what they have in common; rather than what is different." I sat and read for hours. The pages were alive with stories I could relate to and completely understand.

These people managed to get their lives back. How did this happen? When do I get to these important details? I want to know these details now! I read on learning a new word, "Resentment." I pondered this and decided the meaning meant "to be mad at or mad about." I would learn later that would be expanded to "revisit and try to rewrite in my head; to correct at a later time after the event was over."

At that time, I was told to write down everyone I was angry at on a piece of paper. That I could do with great ease, the names flowed. I rattled off every name I could think of and wrote and wrote. Finally, coming to an exhausted end days later, after filling a notebook with what I thought was incredible work. I was pleased with my work. I sat down and sent it to my sponsor, then awaited what would surely be praise for such fantastic work indeed. I would be deemed cured after this feat. My sponsor said, "Oh, that's great. Now we can do the other part of the step."

She said, "Now, what did you do?" I was a victim of this tragic encounter! I was innocent. How dare anyone suggest otherwise. She laughed a familiar laugh. I knew I was out of line. I knew without words I had to rethink my stance on that matter.

I found myself facing moments that were so painful to remember and looking at my actions. "What I did." What I did most of the time was what any drunk would do was make things worse, even sober. I was a professional troublemaker. I didn't want to give myself credit for making my life as painful as it was, but when I sat down and looked. I was and still am today my own worst enemy. I could find a way to turn a potentially good thing into a nightmare in a matter of seconds. I could turn my back on hope and blame the world for it in a second.

I saw I should be caged up! I am a danger to myself and others. What on earth is wrong with someone that would defeat themselves on this level every day over and over. Then drink into oblivion at night, passing out committing temporary suicide at night. Indeed I had to be the worst of the lot. I felt my self-esteem plummet.

That's when I learned I had self-esteem and had been using it all wrong. My definition of self-esteem was whacked. Immediately, however, I started to change and didn't notice it. I stopped being the jerk I was before drunk red-neck that would rattle off insults to their face. I stopped pointing out people's flaws immediately and so much more. I became far more humble. However, I am not a bed of roses, but I am still far better than before. The point was I saw me, and I saw me in action, and I was not too fond of it. I didn't like myself very much, and I didn't like the person I was all along. I sat and looked at myself in the mirror, cried for the first time, and asked, "Who are you?" as if I were meeting a stranger. My family, however, loved it. They were amazed. They couldn't believe how I had changed.

They sat back and were in awe. I was calm, I was friendly, and now I was becoming kind! I could hear them whispering, and my mother was blown away telling her friends about how I got sober, and I was doing great, and I was drawing, painting pictures, getting on my feet. My worst day sober is still better than my best day drunk. That's just a simple truth. The person I am today, albeit not perfect, is a far cry from the monster I once was. Now I have done amazing things. Just like the Big Book says, things Alcoholics are not supposed to be able to do. I still have so much to learn. I still am not perfectly aware. Sometimes I like being testy. Sometimes I don't want to be humble. I want to make noise. We are not doormats. Sometimes it's ok to shout "Nope" or "Stop" that's not negativity. That's a boundary that is earned and deserved. I have learned it's ok to put people, even family, out of my life.

I cannot allow the people who pushed the buttons that got me drunk to learn where the new switches are to start the process again. "No," is a complete sentence and acceptable answer.

So what about guilt? So of us have deep shame. You are reading this saying, "But you don't know what I've done." I guess you can see I do. I have heard so many fourth and fifth steps at this point I feel like a priest. I honestly think I have listened to almost everything (Although Sheep dewormer did shock me.) You are not alone. Humans are not your judge. One of the AA Slogans is "God does not make Junk." Whatever you've been through, whatever you've done, you've been led to this moment in time to see this so you can make a difference. "How" will you make that difference is the question. I don't know, but I have one suggestion.

Just like learning to walk, we take one step at a time. You put one foot down and see what happens, then put the other down and see what happens until you walk on your own. I thought I would die from that. I went to see wonders. If I can, you can, I promise. There is hope. Even if you feel like there is no hope, there is hope.

Note: If you are getting sober, please do so with a doctor's guidance. Getting sober can have serious implications and should be done with the care of a physician.