The truth about me, my mental health, and the topic of sex
Mental, emotional, trauma, pain
So as everyone knows; mental health is something that gets affected constantly by different things every single day with each passing minute. One thing that affects it the most is trauma; especially when it happens during your childhood, and when you've just begun being a teen. Just picture it for a moment. You're a 15 year old, minding your own business, walking to a classroom, and then you suddenly feel something or, rather someone touch you. And where this someone is touching is not your shoulder.
You turn around and face this demonic human being and ask him; "why are you touching my bum?" And of course he responds in a lustful way, telling you how "sexy" and "hot" he thinks you are. Ugh, gross. After he grabs you, you manage to pry yourself free, and you do the right thing and tell someone. But now this memory is stuck with you, and it'll take years for you to recover from it.
Something similar happened to me, except I was 16, and I was lured into a bathroom stall. His key words were "I just wanna talk". Ha! Bullshit. I was not called sexy or hot, but he had me sit down, he moved his hips up and down, kissed me, and one thing I remember the most was where I was prying myself free, and repeated the words; "let go!" And then afterwards I grabbed my binder and ran off.
But I think the one thing affected me the most was just being introduced to intimacy too early, and there I was 15. Imagine walking up the stairs and a guy who is your so called boyfriend, with uncontrolled hormones, does a few small things and not caring about asking if you are comfortable with it all first, but you go with it while still being uncomfortable because you don't have or know any other way of dealing with it. Those things shaped and molded my skewed outlook on sex.....
But what about my fear? Well, trauma has something to do with that too. Like what if you are experimenting and a friend attempts to finger you, but the little sting of pain down there is too much and so it all ends because of that? But then as you grow up, you have developed this fear to do anything yourself or with a partner, and just the idea of something going inside scares you, and you wonder how you'll be able to like the topic of sex, or the idea of even doing sex at all.
My feelings are mixed, honestly. most times I am disgusted, fearful and hateful of sex. But then the times in between, I am okay with it, because after all it is natural. But anyone else who has experienced traumas, small or big, on purpose or not, it can cause something bad to happen. No matter what it is, it can take forever to recover from it all, and I should tell you, never be ashamed that it has been 8+ years, and you still aren't fully recovered.
I'm not yet recovered, and all that i experienced started all the way back in 2008 or 9. And now, here we are in the early year of 2020, and I would like to share a little example of what I was talking to you about....you know, my feelings about sex being mixed. So, a man I had once been very in love with, and loved very dearly, recently got married. This of course was arranged, which is normal for many countries in Asia. He had openly expressed that he finally "did it" with the mrs. And of course, like most people, my reaction was understandably weirded out, and kind of disgusted, because you know, you keep that kind of information to yourself.
But then my reaction turned from innocently freaked and grossed out, to a rampage of disgust and hate towards the topic of sex itself. The thing to understand here is, I kind of got the hint that they reproduced, while just having "fun" and being a woman with an incurable disorder, I automatically felt as if the idea that yet another couple was able to make babies normally, was being rubbed right in my face.
And it was also a reminder that it would forever and always be different for me.....And little does he know that being just reminded of that caused my heart to break and tears to well up in my eyes. But not too long after had I then continued to rampage about the topic, as I bad mouthed the topic of intercourse, this man and how the possibility that there was a kid on the way, would mean he was stuck, and couldn't turn back.
I badmouthed men in general and how they "stab" or "plunge" themselves carelessly inside the woman's body, not caring about what happens, how she feels, and I went as far as badmouthing people themselves. And I then assumed the worst, things always going wrong with sex, and how its so gross I could vomit, while if I stop and think, I know it's all natural, but it truly is disgusting how society is just so obsessed with it.
That and how some couples who just got married don't really wait before they do it, it has to happen. So you see there, I experienced many emotions. Fear, hate, disgust, all the emotions I know I feel for the topic of sex, and it all began with the expression that the deed had been done. Granted, my hormones were still all over the place, but I still felt the things i always feel about the topic of sex.
I worry now and then for my future relationships, because, before doing anything sexual with anyone, there has to be the right amount of comfort and consent developed. I need to feel like I can see myself being with that person, and that I am okay with the idea of doing sex with that person.
I never really developed a huge desire for sex, and I don't think I ever was given the proper oppurtunity to learn to like it, to love it, to want and need it in my life, to learn what a healthy sex life is, and to know that even if it is society's obsession, it's still a natural thing, and even if I hate it 90% of the time, it's not THAT bad. Instead I only learned what an unhealthy sex life is.
My experiences have literally just scarred me, and it's been quite the battle. It is a constant argument with my mind, he who stores all the files of what has happened, and won't allow me to destroy them. I haven't yet learned how to master my own emotions, and to shoo away the terror filled flashbacks that trigger my fear and sorrow, or the nightmares that happen in the daytime, containing my worries about my fertility, about whether my uterus would reject any attempted fertilization, and whether things will end up like they sometimes do on television and sometimes for real.
You know, woman ends up pregnant and she is left to fend for herself because the man found out about your pregnancy and just left. Imagine how that is, being stripped of your access to love, all because he left due to the fact he carelessly refused to wear the protection you insisted on. That, or imagine being so far away from someone yet feeling helpless and small, standing defenseless from where you are, and reciveing a rape threat. At that point it doesn't matter how close or far apart you are. You are officially a target. It is dead scary, and it can leave a huge dent on your life like it did on mine.
I'm sometimes asked why can't I like someone locally. Well my answer is, I have tried numerous times, but eventually I stopped because each time resulted in nothing but rejecton. And I tell ya, it. Sucks. The attraction then dies and you think maybe your guy is somewhere else in the world, but then fast forward years later, and you decide that if someone wants you, he can come to you instead of you doing the chasing always. But the attraction and trust has to develop all over again.
So anyway, this is my story. I am a survivor of harrassment, sexual assault, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. I don't have depression or ptsd, but my mind plays endless tricks on me, and I am still battling the flashbacks that come to haunt me. And so, this is my story of the truth about me, my mental health, and the topic of sex.