The Theme of My Life

Anxiety has basically been the theme of my entire life. From my childhood into adulthood, anxiety, fear and worry have all been the theme my entire life. I would worry myself sick and still do. I have to force myself to sit down, breathe like my counselor and therapist taught me and force myself to relax. Sometimes it helps me 99% and sometimes it's just a little bit of a healing balm. In the moment, it does help but before I know it the anxiety and horrible scenarios are racing and attacking my brain. I worry for my loved ones.... I worry for myself. I am TERRIFIED of being alone, of losing the people I love more than my next heartbeat. The people I would die for... what if I am... one day without them? How would I even remotely deal with that? If some horrid accident took place? I'd NEVER forgive myself to not being able to see the future. Would someone break in while I'm home alone and try to rape or attack me? Would someone randomly shoot me or a loved one? And I'm not there! With them. By their side. I cannot bear their last breath, I can't.

I know that in life, only one thing js guaranteed and it isn't the next day- for any of us. I have been rejected, abandoned, cheated on, hurt, bruised and crushed. Broken. I am a giant pool of so many emotions, thoughts and ideas. This is what is inside me and I can't get rid of it. This has been inside me since childhood. "What will they think of me? What DO they think of me? Do I look weird to them?"

"The way I must look to them right now. All stumbly, fumbling, tongue-tied, can't talk right, stupid bundle of nervous that can't be a normal human being. I am SUCH an idiot and I am absolutely sucking."

"What if I say the wrong thing? I can't just say nothing, I HAVE to say something back! This guy might be the one and I don't wanna screw that up! But what if I ask something that he has already told me? He's gonna think either I am not paying attention or that I'm stupid or don't care. I WISH I knew what to say!?"

"Ugh, I hate doing this. I am so bad at it! I feel like I cannot ever do this right. This SUCKS! I hate "adulting" and doing thing myself. I feel like a fish outta water, SO out of place. What am I going to do? Crap, do I have enough money for this? Or do I have too much money? Which way do I put the credit card in again or do I slide it this time and if I DO, WHICH DIRECTION DO I SLIDE IT?! They're going to think I am stupid, I am just a little girl who has zero idea what she is doing and I am completely ridiculous. Uggghh!!!"

"Is he cheating on me? Or maybe he doesn't wanna be with me anymore? Sigh.. there's probably someone else who, again, is prettier, maybe smarter, skinner, stronger. I don't know. Maybe he just isn't as into me as he was. How can I make sure he is still into me and stays that way? What can I do to be everything he would like and needs me to be?"

This doesn't come close to everything inside my head, but this is some of the things that swirl in my mind.

I hope I'm not alone in this..