The Scarlet A

I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and some of my fellow GAD friends know that some situations cause more anxiety than others. Medical appointments do it for me I have this overwhelming anxiety every time I go that they are going to tell me something awful or I have some rare disease, but what I have also found is that once a doctor finds out that I suffer from anxiety they have a hard time looking past that The Scarlet A ( anxiety) to give me any other diagnosis or treatment. Now, of course, I’m not talking about all doctors and I have finally found doctors that are willing to work with me and my anxiety but it has been a long road to get to that point.

Anxiety at the Doctors

It’s late on a Friday afternoon in mid-January of 2021 I am nervously driving to my doctor’s appointment and trying not to panic. I am early so I circle the block a couple of times while trying to talk myself out of going to the appointment altogether. I finally get the nerve to pull into the parking lot and check-in via phone (due to COVID) and then pace the parking lot with my Scarlet A growing larger on my forehead. My palms are sweaty, my heart is beating out of my chest, and they tell me I can go into the office. As I’m sitting in the waiting room with my foot uncontrollably tapping they call my name and take me into a room as the sun starts to set. I wait for the doctor with my foot still tapping and when she took my vitals she is very surprised that my heart rate is over 144 I am also sweating and the A is getting even larger.

I am there trying not to panic but simply get a prescription for Xanax in hopes that will help the panic attacks or at least having the prescription will ease my mind. I could feel the Scarlet A I carry get bolder and brighter as the appointment went on. The Medical Professional did not think any of the symptoms were out of sorts or we should look into why my heart rate was so high, it was just simply anxiety and that was that. I had to go with this suggestion because I only know what I read on Google and I have anxiety and the doctors have always made me nervous.

What I didn’t know at the time was I had Lyme Disease and it was causing panic, elevated heart rate, fidgeting, and hot flashes. I got the prescription that night but never took it but would be back two weeks later for a small daily dose of something for my anxiety and then a week after that I would be there to have my thyroid checked (what I thought was causing the symptoms). I requested to have my thyroid checked and even during that appointment the doctor only wanted to discuss my anxiety and nothing else it couldn’t be my thyroid even though I have a long family history I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and that’s what I’m suffering from.

This pattern of anxiety, panic attacks countless doctor appointments would go on for ten months and I would see a total of ten different doctors, and each one I would probably end up seeing more than once. Most doctors pointed to the pandemic and my symptoms being a side effect of the world we live in. I always knew deep down inside it was more than that, but I had been branded with the Scarlet A and most doctors had a hard time looking past that.

Looking Past the Anxiety

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in my early twenties and every time I went to the doctors and they asked my medical history I would tell them. However, I found a lot of doctors looked at me like I had a Scarlet A on my forehead and would never look past the anxiety. No matter what ailment I had the doctors always brought it back to anxiety which would lead me to feel more self-conscious about my mental health and dislike being at the doctor’s even more.

I went to one primary care doctor’s office and every time I went no matter what it was they gave me an anxiety screening. Now don’t get me wrong I think mental health is extremely important, especially in the world we live in but I would be going for a sinus infection. I felt like we could never move past the anxiety to look at other health issues.

This brings me to Lyme Disease, the first symptoms of Lyme Disease were physical anxiety I had never experienced on top of the other symptoms I was having a hard time separating from my Generalized Anxiety. Each time I went I would tell them something isn’t right my anxiety is through the roof and I have all these weird things going on. Without missing a beat several doctors would hand me an RX for an antidepressant explain that anxiety for everyone is up and send me on my way. I would feel so defeated each time because I wanted to get to the root of the problem. It was like because I suffered from GAD I could not have anything else, not Lyme Disease, a Sinus Infection, or any other physical ailment. My Scarlet A was so big and bold that no one could see past it, it was defining me to the medical professionals I was looking to for answers. At that point, I made a promise to myself that I would not tell another doctor I had anxiety not because I was embarrassed but simply because I wanted answers I wanted to be seen for my symptoms and not the A I had been marked with.

The Turning Point

As I got to my ninth month of undiagnosed Lyme Disease and started to see the last few doctors things took a turn. I met with the Nurse Practioner at my new Primary Care and I did admit to her that I had GAD but left that as one of my last comments during the appointment. She responded that she thought I was having both anxiety and something physical as well and we will work on it from both ends. Music to my ears, my anxiety went way down and felt more comfortable, someone listening, and looking past my anxiety the Scarlet A was slowly starting to disappear.

She suggested I go see a Psychiatrist since I was taking a baby amount of Prozac at this point. I thought it was worth a try. I met with the Psychiatrist we talked for forty-five minutes and at the end of the appointment, she said well whatever is going on is not solely anxiety or a mental health issue but something physical as well. The Scarlet A started to fade even more and my anxiety about the doctors started to lessen.

I then went to a Functional Medicine Doctor who specializes in Lyme Disease. He barely talked about my anxiety and wanted to order a full panel of blood work before moving on agreeing that something physical was happening. And the A started to fade even more. When the results came back I had Lyme Disease and Tick-Borne Relapsing Fever Borrelia with two of the many symptoms being panic attacks and high anxiety

I was relieved I was ready to move on and start to heal. It was a long road for sure but it taught me so much about my anxiety surrounding the doctors. I learned that it is important to go into the appointments with coping skills but most importantly find doctors I am comfortable with and listen to me and see past the Scarlet A.

While I will always have anxiety, I don’t feel that my Scarlet A is as bold and bright as it once was and I have found some great doctors that will look past that and work with me.