The Introduction of a not so lovely lady

Who the hell am I? That, I can not tell you completely, because I am still figuring that part out. I am in my 30's, with no kids, and fresh out of a 3yr romantic relationship which ironically happens to be the first real relationship. So I tried to dedicate my all to it because it took too damn long for me to get here in the first place. Maybe 3 months before that relationship, I tried to go on a spiritual path in search of who I am and what I needed to do with my life. Prior to this spiritual quest, I lived a wild and spontaneous lifestyle.

As I embarked upon my journey, I could finally see my life begin to shift in a positive direction. For starters, I had just gotten a car after being without one for almost 4yrs. I began working a consistent job after previously relying on promotional work and small gigs for my main source of income for at least 3yrs. I opened a bank account after being without one for 5yrs (long story). I also got a new place after living with a friend's mom for almost 7years. I was in the process of building myself into a new woman and getting a fresh start to a renewed independence. I was feeling good about who I was becoming but it was still too fresh; I had no business jumping into a relationship so prematurely. I didn't believe that beginning a romantic relationship would be a problem because I was being responsible and getting my shit together, so it felt like the proper next step. To most, my wins were small, but considering how I lived previously, they were huge accomplishments for me to complete on my own, and especially within only 1yr.

I was proud of myself because I accomplished everything without assistance from my parents. My parents divorced when I was an infant, so as a result, I didn't get my example of romance from seeing my parents happily together. Before all of the aforementioned, the lack of support from my parents developed a necessity to have my life completely revolve around men. I mostly relied on them for survival and unconsciously manipulated them for their connections. It was the example my mom unconsciously gave me when she introduced me to her constant rotation of new men who took care of all the things she could not. However, that type of movement and thinking came at a huge cost to me. Nothing in life is free, and although this cost didn't involve me spending literal money, it would make me pay the price in more invaluable ways.

Due to the lack of proper transportation, I began utilizing men to get where and what I needed, however, doing that kept me placed in several dangerously compromising positions. I would call a man for a ride home to avoid taking public transportation and unwillingly end up at their home fighting them off of me for the duration of the night. They would attempt to convince me that they were too tired and would unilaterally decide not to take me home. To avoid experiencing nights like those, when I did get involved with a man I liked, I created a bad habit of getting comfortable and strategically moving into their homes to escape the place I currently lived in. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated living with my friend's mother. I initially agreed to move in to help her mother generate extra money to pay the mortgage, which in turn allowed me to pay close to nothing monthly. The disadvantage was that I had to fit all of my things inside a small room, and when my friend would bring her kids over, I would always end up involuntarily babysitting.

My frustration derived from not having the freedom I wanted as an adult and made me feel like a high school teenager again. So instead of focusing that energy on saving up and moving out, I became impatient and obsessed with finding ways to leave quickly by any means necessary. My biggest setback was that the work I was performing at the time was extremely inconsistent. I worked with premium liquor companies as a promotional model or with the hottest club promoters in the city gathering pretty girls to party in VIP sections with celebrities and socialites. The lifestyle was addictive, flashy, fast, and exhilarating. I met a lot of very high profiled men and eventually became a well-known model and actress with great connections. At the time, I was completely unaware that my work consisted of creating the illusion of a lifestyle filled with beautiful women to entice consumers to spend more money to look and feel important. While working in this industry, I had no problem meeting men who could potentially get me out of my situation and expose me to bigger opportunities that could change the way I lived.

My connections in the industry kept my friends and me directly in the heart of the action. Anytime an opportunity to come up presented itself to me, my circle of friends would serve as my voice of reason and encourage me to pursue it, without completely considering whether or not the opportunity could be detrimental to me. It generally involved a high profiled man who was interested in spending time with me and allowed my friends to live vicariously through all of my temporary feats. The problem was that neither my friends nor I, knew how to properly utilize those opportunities, and because of my insatiable urge to escape, I fell quickly for almost any and every good-looking, financially secure man, who would give me a chance. I wouldn't "make them work for it" because I wasn't taught this concept. As a result of being extremely impatient and wanting to get out of my uncomfortable situation quickly, I slept with them to persuade them that I was truly interested in having something more. Before I knew it, I kept repeating the cycle of sleeping with man after man in hopes of being rescued from my real life in exchange for the glamourous life I worked in. My mind didn't consider anything to be wrong with my behavior because I actually liked the men I chose to sleep with. I was extremely naive, to say the least. That impatience and greed was the very thing to cause me to lose them all and develop a horrible reputation. Some of the rumors I heard about me were true, some of them were false, but it all played a big role in making me feel horrible about myself.

The moment that created the desire to change was when I developed a kidney infection from consuming too much alcohol and not enough water. But the actual decision came after I had to run out of a well-known reality star's condo without my clothes, shoes, and phone because his ex, who was known as an incredible fighter, showed up unannounced at his condo and began questioning him about me. Needless to say... it was time for a change. Recanting those memories is why those small victories were big wins for me. I made the decision to break my bad habits in exchange for a more peaceful lifestyle. I was finally willing to take responsibility, do the work necessary, and begin my spiritual journey to produce a new outcome for my life. After developing new confidence and overcoming obstacles I considered myself ready for the relationship when it crossed my path. Little did I know, there was still a lot of internal work needed. Incorporating someone new while simultaneously trying to redevelop myself was a recipe for disaster. Hence the reason why I am single again. Despite my relationship status, I consider challenges a pivotal component to advance me to the new woman I am destined to be. With this in mind, it is crucial that love take a backseat because I refuse to go through all this shit again.