The Hectic Thoughts of a Manic Man

Throughout my life I have had swings in my mood varying from quiet and standoffish to wild and erratic. There are times even now I imagine what life would be like for me had that mental integrity I struggled to manage would have flourished to full stability. Finding peace in the creative arts always freed my mind from the woes that often frustrated me dealing with being manic. It wasn't until my late teenage years approaching early adulthood that the mania took control of my life. The depression was in the background of my life story that was much less detrimental to my relationships whether it been friends or romantic partners since I was generally still able to articulate rational grounded thoughts.

The day to day activities that seem mundane when I was depressed were nowhere near my mind when I would become manic. Those tasks still got done but as my mood shifted to more outlandish behavior I cared less about typical things most people would like eating or sleeping but had plenty of energy to do whatever it was I had wanted to which wasn't always beneficial. Battling the demons that led me to believe that consequences were irrelevent showed me that my mind is a warzone. Conflictions with myself were apparent to those close to me and arose major concern then later drove me to care more about controlling my thoughts. The myraid of prescription drugs pressed on me along the years only made me feel as if I was never going to function without this ominous system of mental health professionals haunting me.

Thoughts of becoming a deity in the afterlife is something that always existed in me spiritually, but when manic, this would go to my head too much. It would go from a humble connection to a Higher Power to more powerful celestial energies corrupting my own humanity to where I was losing sight of what makes me recognizable to those who have known me for what feels like forever. Mania makes me feel as though anything is possible, which seems like a good thing, until I cannot decypher my thoughts from those of the tethered minds of individuals entangled in that astral viaduct I had created. People have told me they feel as if they can hear my thoughts and that their own thoughts aren't safe in their head. As if there was some telepathic power I had gained from going manic. I've been known to finish the sentence of others even if we had met for the first time, giving the impression we had been close for years.

Memories of past lives come as flash-backs vivid enough to get lost in the shoes of someone that doesn't correlate to, let alone make sense to even be me. It is a well known notion in society that finding oneself is difficult, yet it seems to be at maximum difficulty for me. High enough for fans of the Halo games to consider the level to be on Legendary. This rabbit hole of personas gripped my reality launching me into a whirlwind of chaos that seemed to shroud the possibility of any normalcy to my character. I had always embraced being a complicated individual with much of my personality having mystery so convoluted explaining anything about myself came across akin to describing a vague enigma. There are periods in my life I have been grounded, although this never excited me. Normal job routine of wake up, clock in, go home was never a goal I had envisioned for myself. Being creative, intuitive, visionary were my self perceptions.

As time has ticked by I have grown a lot changing how I view the world and my place in it. There is a part of me that teters on the fence of creativity and science, however I feel science in itself is creative as well as there being a science to creativity. Aspirations of being a world renowned astronomer was my childhood dream but once I learned how to put words together into poetry that builds a universe around my persona with music I had basically abandoned that dream of an astronomy career. Part of me wishes to explore that part of my mental capacity once more. Two things that is easy for me to do is get deeply engrossed in deep space documentaries as well as music ones to where I have made so much music that if there was a captive audience consuming it consistently there would be a greater passion for me to pursue an astronomy career again one day. Being manic derailed much of my aspirations since the goals would outshine the executions in some major situations. Many victories were shortlived by the pure disconnect between what I expected to feel and what was actually felt once the moment arrived. The rush of joyous ambition slowly began to fade into self doubt. It is challenging to decipher when those feelings of excited happiness accompanied with high reaching ambitions are just another manic episode in disguise ready to throw me right back into bouts of depression soon after.