The Feelings that Reign

“Just look on the bright side.” “At least it’s not that bad.” “Just get over it.” I’ve heard every single one of those said to others and I cringe at every single one. Why others? Because a rare few know the struggles of a mind such as mine and those who know me that dearly usually know what to say and what not to say. The ones who don’t know what to say, or who might use one of the aforementioned phrases do not know me as well as they think they might…but then that’s why they don’t know me, because I know them so completely that I make sure to conceal that which I don’t want them to see.

You see, my days are not filled with thoughts of happiness, contentment and joy. They might be punctuated with those feelings from time to time but for the most part my days are filled with feelings of self loathing, depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, bewilderment, and defeat. The funny thing is, yeah funny, that most who know me would probably say that I’m a very laid back, positive person; but then, that’s exactly what I want them to see. If everyone understood the thoughts and feelings I felt on a daily basis I don’t think most would understand how to cope. They would look at me in disbelief then sputter for some phrase they think would help which in the end would only serve to feed the many beasts living within me.

No matter, the feelings that reign in my daily life are ones that I’ve come to understand and coexist with to an extent. Mind you, this doesn’t mean I don’t seek to move past them, only that I can actually function. I can laugh and feel happy, carry on conversations and console others, or look “normal” for the most part. If people could watch me 24/7 they might begin to see a tint of what I’m talking about playing across my face and body language, but would they see the true depth of it all?

The frustrations I feel to my core which are overlooked or thought as irrelevant to others. The darkness which only a few have ever glimpsed and most would shrink away from should they ever be exposed to its full brunt. The aggravation and annoyance I constantly hold at bay so as not to yell, hurt feelings, or cause physical harm to those in life who feel there is no need to put any thought into their own actions. Or the anxiety simply from walking out the door, let alone being surrounded by several, to hundreds of people who have no clue that all I want is to escape.

Do I tell others that I never have thoughts of suicide or committing a crime? Of course I do, because if I let half of the people I know what I think of throughout the day they wouldn’t understand how to process it. Add to that the fact that I roll through so many different scenarios for everything in my life that it’s inevitable for me not to think of some off-color action at least once. What would they do?

All I know is that I can’t be the only one. I can’t be the only one to think, feel and act in such a way. I know that I understand what others are going through more often better than they might understand. I try never to judge, and always to understand. I constantly separate myself from myself and step into everyone else’s shoes in an effort to ensure they are being heard by at least one person who they come in contact with. Maybe my extreme sense of empathy is part to blame for the screwed up ways in which my mind thinks throughout the days…

I hope for the others “hiding” from the world around them. Putting on a facade so others won’t overreact or simply hiding from life. I hope that you know you aren’t alone, I hope that you know there is at least one person in this 7+, probably 8 by now, billion personed world who has at least an inkling as to how you feel and who is genuinely interested to listen and hear what it is you have to say or vent about. It’s a curse that I can’t help but listen to the issues of others. I can’t help but try to help them fix the issues, even if it means me only listening for a while. I can’t help but wish I could travel and help those who feel they aren’t being heard, aren’t good enough, or wish they’d never been born.

I’m here, and if I’m here I know there are others, but know at the very least that “I am here.”