My Life Skirmish

Tonight is one of those nights, one where I don’t even know where to begin. A night where the pathways and cobwebs of my mind are all a buzz with thought, yet blank when I try to grasp at them.

I can only liken it to the descriptions found in quantum physics or computing; where a quark or a qbit can be in two places at once or both a 1 and a 0 and only when we look, do they appear in one place or the other. My mind is both full and empty of thought yet whenever I look within I find only emptiness. Maybe it’s better I just let the thoughts flow and try my best not to specifically search them out.

So...life and the skirmish of my every day; yeah, sounds way more dramatic than it really is. Yet I find it something that constantly frustrates me most the time I’m awake and many a time when attempting to rest. Life has made a game of leading me on a path and letting me think I have it handled when in reality I can’t see the blind turn and a semi-truck barreling down at me. Even now I can’t seem to find the right thoughts to put into word which might adequately describe what it is that this taunter called life seems to enjoy so much.

I’ve lived my life learning and honing my ability to roll with whatever punches the universe might throw at me all while being able to keep myself upright; in a manner of speaking. I’ve been through deaths, divorces, poverty, struggle, hard work, education, joys, pain, love, loss, and repeat in some order. I live my every day lost in the random thoughts of what might be, readying myself for whatever might come. Even then, when I was told I’d lost my job I felt the world had thrown another sucker punch at me when I was looking down a different path.

No matter, I picked myself up and I fought and I worked and I grasped onto a thin ledge that kept a roof over my head but has since seen fit to appropriate every free moment of my life, putting off everything that I had planned and was finally getting on track to accomplish…this, is the battle.

Every day I plan and I work. I work to put food on the plates of those who have never shown a glimmer of appreciation for what I’ve sacrificed for them. I plan for a path to reach a home that seems ever to be blocked no matter how I adjust. Yet no matter how hard I work and I plan to try and put my life on a path I feel would keep me sane I find life has other plans.

Life enjoys waiting for me to feel settled and on target for my goals before it pounces. It revels in being able to take a single moment and twist it from what could have been hardly anything into a completely new path I thought had been long forsook, or was barely even a glimmer of an option. It makes me wonder.

What is it that life thinks I should be doing? What is it that I should be contributing to in this universe? Why can’t I just, for once, get life onto a path that I want to stay on until I get to discover what happens when we cease to exist as we currently know?

Is there any use to this story I write? No, not really, save the fact it gets a few of the million thoughts from my head and into word. All I know is that I’ll continue to work and plan and hopefully I’ll find a path one day in which both Life and I can agree upon; a path which I might find a full happiness and contentment to remain on track until I see this life through. Until then I study for this new path in the hopes that it might lead to a better tomorrow; maybe not today, but some day.