Recently I went through a divorce which was neither civil nor outright terrible. Over the past two and a half years I went from making the hardest choice I can remember ever making to taking one step at a time to become someone better, not just for me but for those I care about, namely... my son. My ex-wife fought every step of the way and made every step toward this new life as painful as she could... although she would have you believe that she was innocent of everything.
I'm sitting here at the end of the day, Christmas day, and just thinking about it and how I really haven't cared for the holiday this year. Most years, I love Christmas, the build-up to the holiday and just everything else that surrounds this time of year. But this year I find myself not really caring much for it and now that the day is coming to a close I find myself wondering why I feel so lonely this year.
So, you might say that I've been on the start of this journey for quite some time. You see, I've been taking pictures most of my life, although as much as I wish it could be more than a hobby, that's all it has ever been, and even then, only a small hobby at that. I love taking pictures, and I'm alright at it. I wouldn't say I'm a great photographer, but I can produce a decent shot now and then.
It's the holiday season, time for happiness and cheer, right? Well, maybe not for everyone. I know I find it hard lately to find more than a fleeting glimpse of the cheer I once felt this time of year. Instead, I feel the dark hold of sadness creeping in on me, on my mood, and into my soul.
What do you do when people only ever seem to offer you more cruelty along with that which they've already put into your life? I wish I knew, I really wish I knew. Maybe you turn the other cheek, or simply shrug it off? Maybe you combat cruelty with cruelty, or with love and compassion? I just don't know.
What do I do when it's all just too much? This is the question I ask myself at least once a day, if not many times over, like today. What do I do when it's all just too much? Such an ominous question with some very dark answers that I refuse to accept as possibilities. My worry, though, is that one day those dark answers will sometime become the only answers I hear.