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the destruction of my life, my world, my sanity

by Chani 5 months ago in personality disorder

borderline personality disorder

the destruction of my life, my world, my sanity
Photo by DAVIDCOHEN on Unsplash

4 years ago my partner of 15+ years seperated, i was single for 2.5 years, in that time my bpd symptoms and behaviors almost vanished... i was all but recovered, just a lingering meltdown every couple of months, but i was ok with that, i was successfully adulting, for the first time in my life without someone to take care of me... and adulting is hard work 😂 so whats a meltdown every couple of months? after what the bpd put me through over the past 15+ years, life was great... there was no love interest... one night stands when i needed them. no complications.

so i was thinking i had it all under control, then, i met him, i cant say if it was love at first sight, but there was an extremely intense connection from the first time our eyes met... if it wasnt love at first sight, it didnt matter, it was amazing. unlike anything i had felt before. despite the fact i told him that i dont want a relationship, a friend with benefits was ll i had time for, things progressed pretty quickly, he was as much to blame for that as i was... he wanted to be with me, to talk to me as much as i wanted to be with him. he wanted to know me. TRULY KNOW me. he is the first person that i have known, who wanted to know me, know what made me tick, know everything about me. he very quickly broke down all my walls and disbled every defense i had built up over time... i was his, mind body and soul. as feelings developed the bpd come back... hard. 😢 turns out that the bpd was not cured, it was just that there was no love interest there to push bpd insecurity and abandonment issues buttons.

the love was the most passionate, intense, amazing love that anyone had ever shown me... he gave me hope. he gave me somethung to look forward to. forbthe first time i my adult life i was no longer just exiting, running on auto pilot, going through the motions. i was actually LIVING. it was the best 6 months of my life. the bpd was the most intense and cruel that i have ever felt it... it was also the worst 6 months of my life. it seems that the bpd symptoms had increased in proportion to the intensity of the love i was shown. how i wish i could just function like a normal human. not one that has demon sharing my body, always waiting, poised, ready to destroy everything. especially everything that i care about. everything good in my life. 😢

so the love grew more and more intense, as did the feelings of unworthiness, insecurity and the abandonment issues. and of course, she was always there with a few words to stir the pot. i got clingy. i never wanted to leave his side not for a second, if i did, surely he would realise that life was so much better without me, then abandon me ... of course he would, he was amazing, he made me feel amazing, on top of the world, while he was at my side... when he was away from me, part of the time i felt amazing still... hell if someone like him could love me, then i must be pretty damn amazing! the rest of the time i was a worthless piece of crap, i had deluded myself into believing that someone like him could love me... why would he? really? 🤦🏻‍♀️ but why was he still here?

confusion, doubt, anxiety, insecurities, abandonment issues... all pileing down on me... too much to take... i got more clingy...

he told me he needs a break. and there it is.

see i tould you theres no way he could love you! youre worthless, hes not coming back, you have pushed away an awesome man that made you feel so loved, REALLY loved... you will never have that feeling again, and hes abandoned you, like everyone else always did. but you deserve to be alone anyway.

"losing him" broke me. that was it this time there was no work up to losing it... it was like a light switch. the bpd bitch was loose. and she was out to hurt with the intensity of the love he had shown me. she even scared me this time.

i am not sure what was different from a normal bpd rampage, but normal ones my brain had mercifully blocked most of the rampage... it was like people black out when they drink too much and have vague patchy memories of the night. that was my normal experience of a bpd rampage when i regained control, extreme guilt, cos i know shes a nasty bitch, but only vague memories, blocked for my own protection, and to retain some kind of sanity.

this time there was no mercy, not for him, not for me. she locked me in a cage in the back if my own head when she took control. for the first time ever i was FULLY aware of everything. EVERYTHING. yet i had no control, all i could do was grip the bars of my prison and watch in horror as she sent text after text to the most amazing man that i know, probably will ever know. i gripped the bars of my prison and begged her to stop. please you cant do this, please stop, i love him, please stop dont hurt him 😭😭😭

of course she was not listening to me. she was getting nastier and nastier with each message sent. i was powerless to help him, i so desperately wanted to, but she was too strong. using every thing that she knew would hurt him, everything he had shared with me that was sensitive. text after text, cut after cut, slicing his beautiful heart and soul to shreds. she didnt stop until all that was left was the broken shell of the only man that has ever loved me so deeply, the only man that has ever made me feel totally loved. i was his world. she shattered all that.

she takes over to protect me when i cant deal with things. every single time she makes things worse. this time, she not only destroyed him, but also me. my whole world.

there was no merciful black out. every detail burned to my memory so i will never forget. i remember with crystal clarity every small detail of not being able to save my love, my world, myself.

i will never forgive her for what she has done. that was almost 9 months ago. in that 9 months she has made so much more of a mess.

that was the story of the time i was blessed to have with an extraordinary man, one i was not looking for, but after everything, i am still so happy to have found. i would go thru all the pain 100 times over to have another chance to be with him, to have another chance to feel that love and happiness that only he has been able to give me.

- - - - -

the above was written march 2020. it is now june 2021 and after therapy and a lot of introspection, i have a bit more perspective on the situation.

the "extraordinary man" i wrote this about is a narcissist. i am now able to see that although i was not in control of my bpd, he was not so innocent. i took on all of the blame and left him up high on his pedestal. i left out all of the crappy things that he did along the way, i locked them away in my mind, they did not exist, it was all on me.

it is astounding and tragic, the damage that can be done through mental illness. to all parties involved. please, seek support, get help... for everyones sake...

personality disorder

Chani

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Read next: The Gardener's Guide to Mental Health.

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