The Day that Changed My Life Forever

It was May 2, 2018. My boyfriend and I had broken up a few weeks before. So I was broken-hearted and depressed. I felt all alone. I had class that day, but before that class, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend. I absolutely lost it. I ran in the opposite direction, climbed up three flights of steps to the third floor of a parking deck. I stood there, looking over the edge. I heard sirens so I ran back to the stairway and went down one floor, and I ran over to the edge, stood up on the ledge and... That is the last thing I remembered that day.

When I woke up in the hospital, I knew exactly what happened. I tried to commit suicide. I was told I had had multiple surgeries when I first came to the hospital. After those surgeries, I needed multiple blood transfusions because I lost so much blood. Also because I lost so much blood, I was brain dead for a time, my pupils weren’t reacting to light and I had no reflexes, and I wasn’t able to breathe on my own, but the trauma team didn’t give up on me. They brought me back. I was in a medically-induced coma for days. Then I took a breath on my own. As I became more aware, my family told me everything I broke. There were so many, I don’t know all of them. But I survived. Depression almost cost me my life.

Suicide is not the answer. You know what suicide does? It passes the emotional pain you are feeling to those who love you. It doesn’t end pain. It creates more. When I saw my siblings for the first time after my attempt, I thought: "what if I succeeded?" They would not have a big sibling to look up to and to protect them. If I succeeded, I would have never seen them again. And that broke my heart, and I cried as they hugged me. Another thing that broke my heart was my cat, Ebony, died while I was recovering. She died not knowing why I never came home. It affects everyone around you. Not just you.

Nothing is worth my life. There is so much in life, but none of it is worth my life. My grandmother visited me every day she could while I was recovering. My life is so precious. There is only going to be one me. And I am important and insignificant at the same time. I am important to my family and friends, but I am insignificant to the rest of the world. There are bigger problems in the world than my own. And still, none of them are worth my life.

I was in a bed for three and a half months without standing or walking because I broke my right leg so badly. When I started standing again, it hurt. When I started walking, it hurt. But I pushed through so I could do those things again, without pain, so I could be my normal self. But that will never happen, and that is because my elbow was shattered in my suicide attempt. And the way it healed, I will not have full range of motion in it ever again. So I have learned to adapt. I still dress myself, feed myself, clean myself, and more.

I now have PTSD because of my suicide attempt. I am deathly afraid of heights and falling now. So it affects my therapy, as I am still re-learning how to walk. But I know, in time, it will get better like everything does.

So when in doubt, when you think about disbelieving in yourself, look at everything I overcame. Thank you for your time. I hope this article did two things, scared you about suicide and inspired you. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.