The daily mind of an average human. Can you handle it?

There really isn't an easy way or right way about sitting in front of a computer and looking at a blank word document or hell even in looking at a blank page of a journal on a desk or even in your lap. As someone who suffers several mental illnesses life is sure of one thing. How to make my life as miserable as possible. I live my life the way most do, I get up in morning, find some kind of breakfast and begin my day with signing into my job at home. Is it easy, most days, others are hell and it never feels like it will end until it does when I finish my day at a decent hour. I eat dinner and then spend half my night lying awake in my bed as my soon to be husband sleeps like a damn baby next to me and I won't say that I blame him or myself for my inability to sleep but I wish I could fall asleep as fast as him some nights. But the process begins again the following morning, and its a never ending cycle and undoubtfully a long one. It won't end unless I were to magically die the next morning for some unforeseen circumstance or I retire when I am of age. Maybe even with the possibly with disability but I may still work to provide an extra amount of income at some point down the road. Right I am so gonna do that who am I kidding to most average every day people I am an abled body human being that can still work and take of herself without any kind of help. That's what you would like to believe but in reality its not like that. And because of that is one of the few reasons why I turned to writing. It's one of the few things that allows my mind to set free of its thought process and I thought what better way to use my mind and make some kind of money off it by sharing it to the public eye. Don't judge me, I haven't slept in a week and if I have slept its only been about an hour maybe two if I am lucky.

I always thought I had decent stories but most of them never made it past the beginning stages of writing. Well all but one and even now as I sit reading it on my computer in Microsoft word I feel like it could be three times better than it is. I had it one a site called Wattpad but needless to say it wasn't very popular and I think it had to do with the story line that made it seem off. Am I close to finishing the story, sorta but that is besides the point. At least that is what I think. There could be another way to go about it but I highly doubt that is the best case for me at this point. I always think that I can do better and be better at writing but sadly I doubt that there is any merit to that statement for a few reasons. One reason is that I believe that my stories only make sense to me and that I am the only one who would read them. Two I never until last year, would allow anyone read my stories as I was scared that I would be judged heavily for how awful my stories were written or the story line was portrayed. Daily life in my shoes is not the greatest ideal life choice. Believe me when I say I wish I could be the best kind of author out in this world that could sell millions of books and have the money to pay off all my debt and live a semi comfortable life. I laugh at such a thought and dream that I know it is too far from the reality that I live in. I know for me it would be impossible to complete such a dream even when I try to attempt such thing on here. I first discovered Vocal when I was living in South Dakota for about three months inside a camper trailer, next thing I knew I was on Facebook when I first saw competitions. For whatever reason that I believed that I could win something was beyond me, but I am desperate for money when I pay my step mother almost a grand a month just to pay her back for her moving my fiancé and I back to live in her house. Not that I am complaining of paying her its just that I am not made of money like she wants to believe.

So I decided to play my hand at a couple of these competitions and see what I could do that would give me the hope that would make me feel hopeful that I have the wild imagination that I could somehow still have the ability to write decent stories. Ha, who the hell am I kidding. I work at home as a customer service rep that is the one people call when they are having issues with something and want to take it out on someone. And here I am as the one person who gets yelled three days a damn week for eight freaking hours. Who am I kidding that I would be able to win $20,000 hell even $5,000 just off something stupid that my brain comes up with. There is nothing in this world that I am no more capable of than a homeless man or woman who is trying to find their next meal. Ok maybe that was a bad example. I don't hate on the homeless because I have been in their shoes all of 6 whole months during the past year that I rather not bring up. I have had to fight with what little money I had to make sure that both myself and my fiancé had food and some kind of shelter. While yes I had a roof over my head it was not a permanent home for us as we had to move from one state to another every 2 or 3 months. Imagine what an actual homeless person goes through on the daily with people who think they are the worst of humanity. In my honest opinion the worst of humanity are assholes who believe they are better than everyone else. Is that an opinion most would agree with, probably not but then again this is only my personal thoughts that I am writing in this, well whatever I would view this as. Would I consider my desktop as a digital black notebook or a digital journal that I can publish personal thoughts to the public eye and where I become forever ridiculed for something that I have no control over, probably but that really doesn't bother me. Its not like I am extremely lucky that this will get any massive amount of people reading that I find myself documenting my daily and personal and sometimes questionable thoughts that I deal with.

My thoughts are, to put it bluntly, ridiculous in their rights. Do I consider them their own personal being inside my own head, yes I do. Would anyone reading this understand why, most likely not, its not like I have magical powers to force anyone to like and read my thoughts and opinions on my daily life. Hell its not like I am special which I am considerably in an odd way. 5 mental illnesses and here I am living a life without much of a care who I offend but 100% totally do care if I offend anyone. Case in point my own opinion on homeless and the assholes in this world. To put it in simpler terms, if you were to somehow find me in the public, most likely 2 thoughts will run through your mind. One being that I am overly crazy and I definitely need help or, two you find that I look innocent enough that you want to get closer only discover how wrong you were and try to run but sadly that option would no longer available since you have adopted the crazy like minded of me. Trust me its how I managed to get my fiancé in the first place, and now he is stuck with me even if he was the one that asked me to marry him in the first place. Sadly some days I question why anyone would want to marry me. I am far too much to handle and I don't seem all that attractive to what I see that people tend to find beautiful. Mind you I am a mid plus size woman, and reason why I say that is because while I have an ass and tits and thighs. My arms are definitely thin and small. My stomach makes me look pregnant even though I'm most definitely not but you know it's whatever. I just don't see how I am beautiful to some people. Maybe I am crazy that I don't see what I should see. Maybe I should open my eyes a little differently, then again I doubt that it would help. My brain wants sleep and yet my body wants to run around like a mad cow, but at the same time I wanna play some Sims while I work, only if that was possible. And this is when my thoughts take an dangerous turn and go on its mid day rampage. I need help however I don't think there is any amount of help that would be enough to help me.

I'm probably being way too hopeful that this kind of story or thought process would actually become popular enough that I'd actually get a decent amount of money. Money seems to be on my mind a lot lately probably because I have so many things that I have to purchase that no where am I able to stop and try to save with what I have to spend and sadly I am also trying to move out of my father's house and get away from the woman who has been making my current living arrangements a world wind of so much fun. In case you were thinking that was 100% sarcasm you would be correct. My step mother and I have a mutual hate for each other and at times we just put up with each other to make it through the day. And believe she has said it to my face that she hates me, more than once I might add. Needless to say its one of those things that make living with parents unbearable but hey free rent and food only have to sacrifice like two-thirds of my checks each month to live. But at least I have a roof over my head so why should I complain at all. I really need a better day job than publicly putting my thoughts and feelings for the world to read and laugh at or not. It makes no difference to me. Maybe I am wrong and maybe people will like this, though I highly doubt that could be true but who knows what would happen to my thought process story. Maybe it will become popular that I have to write another one later down the road. For now I will use this as an experiment to see where it goes and what happens by the end of the month. Maybe sooner than that.