The Complicated Experience of Opening Up

Questioning your diagnosis or thinking there may be more to the answer.

Sometimes when I talk to my friends about their experiences, it feels like they finally got the answer they were looking for. As for me, I spent an extended part of my life trying to cope with depression and anxiety. While that still may be so, I still question. I wonder if there is more to the story. Like something is being ignored. It's a long journey but a complicated one.

I have gone through a handful of therapists. Some tell me that it is normal to question and that I shouldn't worry. Others seem to have their own agenda and never listen to a word I say. One psychologist who worked on my campus in the CAPS office (or Counseling and Psychological Services) blatantly ignored my reasoning for a visit. I wanted help coping with anxiety and depression and how it often got in the way of my studies. I couldn't afford outside (off-campus) counseling at the time. So, CAPS was my only option.

During the evaluation process of my first visit, I mentioned that one of my family members struggled with ED when I was asked about the mental health history in my family. The psychologist hopped on the notation that one of my family members struggled with ED and that I (like any other 19 years old in the age of social media) had low self-esteem. Again, I only admitted to having some levels of low self-esteem because it was part of the evaluation questions. She also ignored the fact that I have celiac disease and am a vegetarian, which knocked down my eating options on campus (because my campus has insufficient food service options regardless of diet). So, she equaled all of those factors to me having ED (which I don't and never have). Each session was based on me having some imaginary eating disorder instead of depression and anxiety. She also low-key manipulated me into not replacing her with a therapist who would actually listen to me by saying she would "flag me" to block me from getting help. So, I stopped returning to CAPS altogether. But, recently, I am finally growing the balls to walk back to that office (now in my junior year at 21 years old) to report her. Plus, I ran into several girls in some of my classes who opened up about having the same experiences with her. Like me, they thought she had a weird obsession with ED. Also, her definition of "helping" individuals with ED is alarmingly hurtful to someone who actually has one. So, yeah, I seriously will report her to my school.

And, yes, finding a therapist who actually uses their ears and brain is VERY complicated.

Still, at the age of 19, mental health was not a topic I was willing to be open about.

I went through a stage where I thought I could get better without professional help or at least support from a friend. I thought, "What's the point in opening up when the people who are supposed to be there for you shrug you off or ignore how you feel?" It hurts feeling invalidated when you need their help the most. That way of thinking affected how I took care of my mental health.

#mentalhealthisatrend #gatewaykeepers

What adds to the difficult journey of understanding my mental health is how hard it is to be open in the first place. Nowadays, it seems that #mentalhealthawareness is only but a trend or a PR move. Sometimes, when I listen to celebrities, influencers, and my school professors and counselors, talking about mental health comes off as superficial. When they talk, it is almost like they memorized a script and what emotions to use.

Then, there are moments when you meet certain acquaintances or friends who put on the facade of knowing more than you. Have you ever met someone who tried to one-up in conversation? For instance, when talking about a bad day, did your friend bring up a story that made their day sound much worse than yours?

While it may be true that their day might have been worse than yours, does it matter in the end who went through what the worse? Especially when mental health struggles like mood disorders, psychological disorders, and personality disorders are tough to cope with in the first place? Mental health is not a card to get in with the "in-crowd", and yet plenty of Gen Z's use it as such. Or they often use mental illnesses and disorders to excuse incredibly shitty behavior, which further stigmatizes individuals who have them.

I had a friend who was exactly like this. She may as well have called herself "The Gatekeeper of Mental Illnesses" because she thought she knew it all. Thus, ignoring that mental health affects each individual differently despite the consensus on identifying particular struggles.

Among the five diagnoses she had, one of them was bipolar disorder. For a while now, I accumulated reasons to believe that I may have bipolar disorder. Of course, I developed these suspicions way before I met this friend. However, while being friends, I did open up about my struggles. I wish I hadn't because, at the time, I was highly emotional. Not like teary red eyes and snot running everywhere emotional. More like, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, I broke my nicotine sobriety and resorted to heavily smoking for two years," emotional. (I'm not proud of it.)

So, when I told her about my suspicions, I guess she felt intimidated by the possibility that she would no longer be the only one in the friend group with bipolar disorder. Everyone else always turned to her for "facts" on bipolar disorder (if the topic was relevant to them somehow). Or if she mentioned to others with anyone asking (which was almost all the time). I noticed that, for her, it was always an opportunity for IRL "sadfishing".

So, when I opened up to her, her immediate response was, "Yeah, that's not bipolar disorder." Even the way she said it was discouraging because she made me feel like a child.

While we will eventually find genuinely supportive friends, there is typically that bumpy road of running into "mental health gatekeepers".

"Just pray about it."

Then there are those of us who group up in religious homes. I love my faith, and I often pray, despite sometimes lacking effective coping mechanisms. However, we all know that one line, "Just pray about it." If not that line, we also often hear, "That's only the devil trying to get to you."

I don't think it is wise to tell someone struggling to cope with their mental health that they should pray it away or that the devil gave them the mental illness. This is not to say that I don't understand the intentions of your religious mom mentioning that prayer could be a way of coping. The problem is that how mental health is often painted in religion (especially Christianity) encourages ignorance. It could also discourage asking for help and educating oneself about mental health.

The religious folks I grew up with were quick to acknowledge diabetes, high cholesterol, cancer, organ failures, and allergies as legitimately ailments. Those individuals never got biased as not praying enough, nor were they viewed as falling away from God. But let someone like me open up about my mental health struggles. I promise you they would be so quick to call me a "lost child".

It is okay to pray with someone for healing regardless of their ailments, physical or mental. However, making your fellow Christian, Catholic, Jew, Muslim, or anyone with a religious identity feel inadequate in the faith simply because they struggle with mental health is wrong.

Mental illnesses and disorders don't exist because the devil created them. They exist because of specific chemical imbalances in the brain, hereditary factors, environmental factors, situational factors, development factors, or induced by medications or physical ailments.

Conclusion

Your journey with mental health is simply that—your journey. There will be bumps and hiccups down the road, but that's okay. While being proactive in your health is wise, it could also mean staying aware of who and what might affect your courage to keep on the path to better health. Mental health is not about staying relevant or getting kudos. It does not mean you are not strong in your faith or simply strong as a person. Finally, it is okay to get rid of therapists who prey on your health, ignore the red flags that you see, or push an agenda on you that completely dismisses your needs.

There are people out there who want to do anything they can to help, so long as you do your part.