The Baring Of My Soul

“Colleen, wait up please. I want to talk to you. What are your plans tonight? Can I take you out to dinner?”

I look at the man asking me these questions and make up some excuse for why I couldn’t accept his offer. If he was offering me friendship, maybe my answer would have been different but he was asking for a date.

I do not date!

Nine years since I agreed to a date, a kiss, a relationship and another ending.

I no longer accept or agree to any part of the whole seduction, love, pain, broken hearts and bad endings.

My heart is locked tight, no room for love and my life, is just perfect as it is. I love being alone. I love being single. I love being heartbreak free!

My days are full. I have no need for a significant other. I have the love of my two boys. I need nothing more.

I enjoy spending time on my own. Time I use to read, to write, to work on myself, getting to know who I really am.

I started publishing my writing, allowing it to take on a life of its own, as I slowly started to heal and remember who it is that my life experiences have made me.

Through my writing I began to meet some wonderful people. Individuals that showed me I could be me — the genuine real authentic me. My writing allowed me to step out periodically from behind the sheltered walls I lived in.

Individuals that accepted me, warts and all, for who I have grown to be. The real, authentic, vulnerable, loving person that I truly are. The mask I have worn forever, could be set aside for these few beautiful people.

Although after these interactions I would silently retreat behind the safety of my walls.

Then one normal, nothing special, type of day, saw my world implode due to one comment that had been placed in response to my writing.

A comment that I felt on the locked door of my closed off, locked solid, walled heart. I felt a gentle tapping on that door, persistently asking for entry.

Over the next few weeks, there’d be another such comment and a more insistent knocking at my door. I’d respond kindly with a thank you for their perfectly worded sentence. A sentence that spoke directly to my Soul.

We would begin to banter, each of my responding comments dragging out the real me. Making me feel a little safer each time, a little more comfortable opening the locked door to my heart, until that door was completely blasted off it’s hinges.

There I lay fully exposed, trembling on my knees, in front of this one Soul that held that magical key to me.

I bowed my head in pain and refused to look into their eyes, but instead of disappearing as I expected, they gently held out their hand to me, letting me know I was safe, I was cared for and as I took their hand, they ever so slowly, over the next few days, led me out into their world. A world full of hope, love, acceptance and honesty.

A world that freed me. A world where I no longer need a mask. A world where I could be strong one day and a total mess the next and on both of those days I was loved for being exactly who I was born to be.

This loving Soul, over the following weeks, led me, the true me, further from my safe harbour, all the while comforting, loving and soothing me every step of the way.

I love that I am able to be authentic, totally stripped naked as they carefully peel back my many layers that have allowed me to hide for so long.

In our love, there is no hiding. There are no masks. There are only two authentic Souls, meeting heart to heart, loving, learning and connecting as authentic souls are designed to do.

I love learning all the parts of me that I have hidden in pain for so very long and I love the freedom I feel by finally accepting and being accepted in every part of me!

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