The Art of Healing

Art has been a long, sometimes painful journey for me. I have always loved art. I can't remember a time when I did not love drawing. In kindergarten my teacher pulled my parents aside and showed them a picture that I had drawn in class. Each student drew people on a rollercoaster but I was the only one who drew the hair going back. My dad asked me how I knew to draw the hair like that and my response was, "Because they are moving." Aparently kids do not usually draw this detail at that age. I wish that I could say that creating art was all downhill for me from then on out, sadly, it was not.

I have this huge emotional connection to art. It heals me in many ways but it is this huge battle to get into the place mentally and emotionally to actually create something. I have many mental and emotional blocks about my creativity. I am still on my journey to discovering why. I am sure there isn't just one answer.

I believe most of us experience trauma in one way or another at some point in our lives. Ranging from one traumatic event to prolonged exposure to trauma. Recently, I was diagnosed with Complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I had no idea how much this has impacted my life until recently. I wondered how I could be such a kind, sympathetic, strong-willed, and determined person one moment and a rage-filled mad woman ready to burn the world down the next. I couldn't understand why no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't succeed in life. I was holding back so much. I was constantly at war within myself. I had these emotions bubbling over at all times. I was afraid to put myself out there to do anything. I was afraid to go out anywhere alone. I was afraid to work outside of the home. I was afraid to show anyone my art. So I hid. I spent my entire twenties and part of my thirties hiding. I had no friends, I spent most of my time alone. It wasn't until I had my daughter in 2008 that life started to have meaning to me.

CPTSD impacted my art quite a bit. I was afraid my art would somehow expose me and that everyone who knew me would leave. I would be SEEN. Truly seen and it terrified me. I have gone sometimes years in between painting and drawing. I would try to create something. I'd stare at a blank white piece of paper until I would just pack up all of the supplies in frustration until the next time I tried. I had many unfinished projects. The image I posted above, ("Strength & Beauty") is the first real digital drawing that I have done. I did some digital assignments 6-10 years ago while getting my bachelor's degree in Computer Animation, but those assignments were nothing like what I tried here. Even now, when I look at the finished work I am conflicted. Instead of saying. "Hey Janelle, it's your first real digital drawing... you haven't done it before... you haven't mastered Photoshop. It's good." All that I see are the flaws. The lack of this or that.

While making "Strength & Beauty", I was free and excited. I was processing my growth. I was figuring out how to use the Photoshop tools and brushes. I was doing it! Art heals me while I am making it. It's when I am not actively being creative that all of that self-doubt and negative self-talk begins to sink into my mind. This has been my life long struggle.

I am determined to not let more years go by without me creating. It may not pay the bills but art is part of me. It feeds me. It heals me. I need it to thrive. That is my goal, to thrive. Maybe it isn't about the finished piece but the journey of making it. That is the part I love the most anyway.