The arduous but sweet journey.

So it all started with a bit of curiosity that me as a good kid began following through my instincts in something I could not ignore. I found a love that I knew I couldn’t pass up. I was in high school with my mind geared towards a bunch of political and historical interests. In a time where history was being made it was hard for me to keep my feet on the ground. I was growing up with two siblings (one brother and one sister) in a 3 bedroom house. I carried throughout my days with what I could say was a very active mind. You could imagine late nights with hardly any sleep to carry myself with the next day. I remember it took me hours in the morning to wake up before I was fully awake. A funny habit I kept through my high school years that I found later to actually be taking adverse effects on my grades and body altogether. I was a quirky individual who liked to dress to impress. I had braces and as you could imagine and was very prone to falling into different scenes. I was a dancer who took to nightclubs and parties to show off my moves. The realities around me slowly began colliding and as you know I began experimenting with drugs as a young teenager.Not the healthiest choice but the funny thing about is that I always told myself I would never fall to this type of negativity. But my thoughts then were somewhere along the lines of; hey what do I got to lose? Except a few brain cells. But anyways the point is that I myself could not believe that I somehow fell into these drugs that were pretty mad now that I think of it. I was taking MDMA/ecstasy about every month with major events. As a side note I always kept the strange truth floating in my head that MDMA was the first drug I ever tried and it being one of the strongest too. (Talk about a leap into the deep, BIG.) Carrying on, I was big into the EDM scene. I had caught a fever for the music and dancing altogether. Along with it the drugs followed. I and my friends had gathered a group of dancers who surprisingly became internet famous through our dancing aka shuffling. That was rare back then and boy was I happy to know we had caught steam. Our videos were gathering thousands of subscribers and even more viewers from all over. But the beautiful thing about it was the fame itself opened my eyes to what was truly happening. In my heart I knew I had to be responsible about what was taking place. It was drugs, music, and a whole lot of temptation that I luckily had caught onto. I wasn’t a heavy user at all in fact I was the least subject of focus amongst my friends. Altruistically, I became the leader of our dance crew sort of the eyes of the group and what we called the “Main Head” of EIU. One of the most talented crews in all of OC. You can even look us up on YouTube our videos are still there. Everyone called me Acidoser which is funny because I never tried acid in my life and still to this day I haven’t touched the substance. Moving through the years from where this started to when it ended between the years of 2011-2014 now aged 17 at the beginning of 2011.I found myself in one of the happiest state of minds I had ever been. I made a ton of friends and met tons of people through my days and everyone knew my name. It was strange times for me. Imagine walking out in public and having dudes and girls alike calling your name out. This was very striking to a humble person like me. It was like the world was screaming for me to break out of my shell. One side would scream dancing and drugs and the other half of me still trapped would say no stay down. Guess which one I chose? It payed itself in respect down the line but further down that road I started trying other drugs to go along with what I called “experimenting”.

Through my high school years I was met with an interesting phase in what I called experimenting. Me and my crew were the talk of the town and the next. Schools and districts from all over began talking about which helped us gain a huge reputation. It scared me to death but I was happy with it. I didn’t know what to expect from other sides and cities and what they had going for themselves. There was no telling what they could bring to the dance floor. So you could imagine at this point what the weekends were like. Kids and crews were inviting us to underground house parties all over the place to watch us dance. My crew was always ready to show up. What a time to be alive. So with all this noise happening around me it was hard to ignore the offerings of drugs. It was hard not to try some. Come on a young teenager out on his own with clout, fame, and women attached to his name. Yikes! Our parties looked like madhouses; 40 ounces being swigged in one go, pills being dissolved on our tongues, black and milds lit.... it was lit! But one question always remained. “Should I be doing this ? This much?” Lol Meanwhile people are passing out from exhaustion or just too much substance. That was the best part watching them rise up from their debilitating states as if some kind of inner force guiding them out of their intoxication. My main focus really was scientific as I’d like to claim. I figured a try a little bit of this and that but in small amounts. Not too much and not too little. Just enough to see what it’s all like and why. I really did come across some interesting things and discovered a lot of things about my body that could go wrong had this continued. Luckily I was a smart one and stopped as soon as it started. It went like this I popped ecstasy a number of times which was intrinsic to my attachment of the dance scene and well because it was ecstasy! I also tried adderall which was terrible and made me feel like I was zipping through my mind at 100mph with thoughts I had to formulate with. I felt plush and intelligent to say the least. I also took a few lines of coke which made me feel like a raging beast on the dance floor. But one thing I swore I wouldn’t do was smoke meth. Instead, I took to a different application of it so I could witness the effects firsthand! I went ahead and snorted my first lines of methamphetamine which the name alone made me feel guilty and horrible. But again it was for experiemental purpose. I wanted to see what my body would say. Boy, that stuff made me feel like Superman. My legs were made of air I could move like the wind and it sort of felt like a cheat code to dancing but shh don’t tell my mom. So at this point I had basically tried all major illicit drugs besides heroine. I didn’t see the point of it I guess. Besides it’s a big downer I’d probably fall asleep and feel worthless doing it so that was a no. I came back with all kinds of ideas and thoughts about drugs and the pharmaceutical companies. I learned how substances affect and make the body and mind feel. Overall if I were to pick a favorite it would have been Ecstasy. Ecstasy left me .... with feelings of euphoria and beautiful emotions in me that i didn’t know I had but could amplify through sounds and people around me. It was amazing it was like I had this growing desire to meet and connect with people. I had to and which I did. Which is how I think how I think me and my friends met so many people. Not only that the women made the experience amazing and orgasmic almost. Massages were a great time along with the light shows. Quick side little story... there was always this myth going around that scared people about ecstasy which I still wonder if it’s true. They told us not to have sex under the effects of ecstasy for the fear that it might not ever be the same when you have sex again. Which is interesting to think and very believable. But aside from that if you ever try ecstasy make sure you’re with a woman. It’ll feel 10x better and don’t have sex. Moving on from this phase about 2 years later after 2011 I was fresh out of highschool and looking for the next move. The experimenting was done and with it I carried a silly habit of smoking marijuana which I call herb. Needless to say it or explain its effects were beneficial to my anxiety and aftermath of all the partying and madness I went through. It was nice to have this sort of peace of mind with me. It lead me onto a road of healing. With it I began healing a deeper part of me. It helped me turned inward to problems and issues I had going on. It gave me the strength to carry myself in the busy world. Besides I was a young happy face new to the working “scene” and it was a task making a name for myself in this light. But I managed. The worst part about it is I knew people recognized me which always left me feeling uncomfortable. Working was terrible. That’s all that I could make of it as my opinion. I thought what torture this is and why does society run this way. A total alien to the feeling. But writing this now I’m 25 and have completely gotten over and see it as a mundane tasks that pays for itself ironically.

I leave this last piece of my chronicles for a special reason. One that I can’t say I’m proud of. So as it goes I continue on through life bashful and hopeful as ever. Taking turn after turn and hit after hit to make my way. I struggled to find comfort and stability. Again the drugs loomed over my head but I knew I had to be strong for my mother and my two other siblings. So I continued on. That same year I met a woman who everyone called Lily. She and I had a short relationship which quickly ended after she became pregnant with my baby. My life took a turn for the worst.

What was I to do? There was no way I was ready for a child in this world. Not with the adversity that I had seen to experience. Why? Was it a twist of fate that happened by accident or was this just another lesson? I left. She made the mistake of leaving us with no protection that night. I still remember the cold words coming out of her mouth.. “ a baby with you?shoot? Hehe.” As I thought to myself how weird that was to say to someone. I proceeded to whipe us off knowing and remembering oh no. We didn’t use a condom. Usurped by her refusal to buy one she declined every request I made. It Made me nervous but how could I pass up this opportunity with such a beautiful energetic young woman? This is where it all took a spin. Two weeks later I receive a call from my mother stating that my grandmother who was literally a mother figure in my life had been struck with a devastating stroke that would leave her debilitated and disabled completely. A couple hours later I received a call from my gf Lilly that she was pregnant. My thoughts continuing to bounce back and forth between my hearts stricken worries. My grandmother, she suffered a total loss of personality of who she was along with her memories. She couldn’t move or stand up like she used to. She was hit with a second stroke that would leave her deceased at the ripe old age of 89. I loved that lady. With a love like no other. She was my hope and my strength. So quickly she vanished from my arms. I remember the sullen feeling in my soul of her loss sinking deep in the crevices of my soul. A pain I’ll never forget. But nonetheless I made her the promise to always remain strong as best as I could. To keep on keeping on with my goals in life. But sadly I never got over the depression that came with that loss. I stayed inside for years not going anywhere for months on end as I remember. Studying, thinking, searching, digging for answers I thought would help me heal. But in the end was only met with fleeting solutions to my problems. Only small hypothetical bandages to cover the deep wounds that I barred inside me. My body and soul were ruined. But I fought to keep my mind at rest. Trying to keep that storm brewing inside me at bay like a true alcoholic would. I tried and I tried to keep the poison away that came from the bitter dark snakes that lay inside me. Until one day they spoke. Who knew snakes could speak?

As the days passed and that same year we had to move out of that house months later. We had lived there for 12 years. It was sad to have to go. But I figured it was time to leave since I had embarrassed myself totally in front of my neighbors. I left and unfortunately me and my family split up. I went with my grandmother who lives with me now. They had a beautiful 4 bedroom house in La Mirada. My mother went with my Aunt and stayed living in Fullerton. It was a weird experience having to rebuild but this time all by myself. I managed to get a job working construction with a friend. We made some money and had some good times. But I was still worried about my family and what they thought of me. I continued working and bought a car it was a ‘98 white Acura integra. I was still healing at this time and continued to struggle with finding a stable job with even pay. Then I got hired with American apparel and was met with friendly faces from all over. Some were part of a program that dealt with ex convicts on house arrest. I thought it was a beautiful oppurtunity for them so I showed up with as much caring support as I could. I also saw it as an equal opportunity to heal along side them as well. After all they had been locked up for months to years and I was someone who was introvertedly trapped as well. So we went together perfectly. Work was wonderful. No matter the mood I was met with smiles and positivity from nearly everyone. Which is rare. I was happy there. I surprisingly lasted a long time there and the managers were quite impressed with my work ethic. I managed to buy another vehicle once there and things continued moving. All I could do was give thanks for this opportunity. I still had my faith and there were reasons that spoke for itself or himself really. I met a few friends there who were friendly people that might of been writ off as intimidating on a first whim. But nonetheless they were just as positive and supporting as the others. Which came with a lot of jokes and laughter to go with it. Months later in January of 2017 the company was shut down and had gone bankrupt. So it was bought out by a company named Daiso. Primarily owned by Japanese investors. They were now the largest and most influential plain t shirt sellers in the world. So it was no problem buying out our company. It was a sad moment indeed. But hey you know what they say nothing can last forever. I left and eventually became a security guard for a company all the way in Inglewood. I was now feeling a deep sensation that maybe I could become something more than I was. I just had to continue healing and knew I had to just that. I had to let go of the past. But with it I had to release myself from old habits and paradigms. I adopted new ways of thinking and had left my old ways of thinking. But I always kept my roots. As part of my process I began reading and saw it as a great way to feed my mind with knowledge to continue my path. I read books on philosophy, self help, and scientific information, psychology and historical books as well. I enjoyed it and found it to be very beneficial. I also noticed people wanting to connect with me wherever I went. Life again was beautiful in a serene and peaceful way. I told myself that I would not try drugs again. After all the chaos and harm I’d seen on my friends and ultimately me. I had to give it up. With it I found security and connection around me to keep me fastened with my feet on the floor. I was building friends fast and my family still loved me. It’s all I needed. Around this time I came upon epiphanies that opened my eyes to reality in a positive way. I could not believe in who I was before. It was like everything was opening doors left and right to me just so I could see what this beautiful place looks like. The world looks like it never has in a whole new way. The mundane is something I no longer disdain. But rather the path to something greater. I felt stronger and more determined than ever. I feel amazing and much more brighter with my outlook on things. Healing is a big step and sometimes a long process but in the end can be soo worth it if you allow your heart to feel. I’m 25 now and living in the year 2019. I just want to thank you for listening and reading my story. I hope that it can help you on your path and allow you to feel comfort knowing you are not alone. Let’s go see what else is out there? Come on! There’s so much to see!