Thank You for All of it

In my journey of recovery from substance addiction I was often told about the power of gratitude. There are scientific studies that demonstrate the benefits of gratitude practices on the brain, and yet at times I found myself resisting these ideas at every turn. I would hold myself emotionally hostage by thinking in terms of, "Once a certain outcome happens, then I will be happy and grateful." I would struggle and strain to try to make things happen and would invariably find that I would derive no real satisfaction from the outcome even when I got everything I thought I wanted.

At times I would have a long list of things I desired and would quickly be able to manifest all of them. I assumed that once I checked all the objects and experiences off of my list that I would be inundated with a massive influx of gratitude and satisfaction. The reality seemed to be more like the opposite. I would look at all the stuff I had just bought and think about all the great experiences I had just had, and yet feel as empty and agitated as ever. One of my mentors kept reminding me that gratitude is a state of being, rather than the result of getting what I want, when I want it.

On one level this made sense to me, but putting it into practice has taken a lot of time and work. I started by learning to be grateful for all the loving people in my life. I would thank them for what they did for me more often, such as for being a good listener. I noticed that when I said, "Thank you," out loud I would feel a burst of positivity, even if only for a short moment. This interrupted the momentum of my complaining and habit of focusing on lack, and I started becoming encouraged to focus on gratitude more and more often.

Part of 12-Step recovery is based on using prayer and meditation to consciously connect with a loving Higher Power of our own understanding. My prayers in the beginning would often end up treating God like Spiritual Santa Claus, asking for various outcomes to happen in my life as quickly as possible. (I definitely didn't have the patience to wait until Christmas!) It was suggested that I reverse this and start by thanking God for all the good things I already had in my life. I basically exchanged the word "please" for the words, "thank you" when I pray to my Higher Power. Instead of saying, "Please God, send me a beautiful woman." I say something like, "Thank you God for all the beautiful friends and loved ones in my life." Anchoring the power of gratitude for what I already have also helps draw more good things into my life when the time is right, including the perfect partner.

This hasn't been an easy process. The impulse to focus on lack and what I don't yet have seems to be a strong habit. Looking around and feeling grateful for what I do have seems almost mundane or boring: "What, I should be grateful for this?" I see my garden growing outside and focus on the wilting leaves rather than the ripe cherry tomatoes. I see my roommate's bookshelf and think about that one special book we don't have rather than the abundance of reading material that I have access to right now.

Sometimes I start by saying, "Thank You" for the little things in my life. There's a fresh pot of coffee brewing, and I'm grateful for it helping me start my day (at 3am!). I live in a beautiful part of the world and can see mountains from my backyard. If I don't stop and acknowledge what I'm grateful for, everything can start to look really bland and I end up taking God's miracle for granted. Gratitude starts to make everything look vivid and bright, like going from a fuzzy old TV set to a high-definition surround sound home theatre. The key for me is to keep up the practice rather than resting on the laurels of yesterday's gratefulness.

I resisted this simple practice because I felt that if I was truly grateful for what I had I would miss out on all the good things that I really wanted. My unconscious belief was that I had to focus on what I thought I was lacking in order to make it manifest faster. The reality is that by focusing on lack I simply kept reinforcing a sense of lack rather than the abundance that is already here and now.

Focusing on lack begets more focus on lack. Focusing on abundance, love and gratitude in present-moment reality causes it to gradually snowball and build momentum in my life, creating a future beyond the scope of my limited desires and imagination. People in recovery and other spiritual circles talk about how we won't be able to run fast enough to get away from a miraculous life beyond our wildest dreams. I'm at the point now where I'm beginning to see that these beautiful people were right all along, even when I doubted and even mocked them. I was jealous of their success and resisted having the faith to do what they were doing. Thankfully, I stuck around good people for long enough to have their love and wisdom rub off on me.

In treatment I was required to list 10 things I was grateful for at the end of every day. Sometimes I dreaded this exercise as my fragile ego was confronted with how much it was indulging in a sense of lack and misery. Even by mechanically going through the writing process I would experience glimmers of true gratitude and feel even slightly better at the end of the exercise. Sometimes the staff would have us list a few things we were grateful for at dinner or in group. I find that speaking words of gratitude out loud is equally as effective as writing. Hearing myself declare my thankfulness for different things in my life anchors a higher energy than wanting and craving after new or better things. It then begins to set up an attractor pattern that draws more goodness towards me automatically without having to struggle to make things happen.

"Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and all these things and more will be added unto you." What is the Kingdom of Heaven? Practically speaking one could say it is the willingness to stop and appreciate the goodness of life, right here and now. I feel like Jesus was aware of the realization of true abundance and authentic manifestation. We have to start from the Source - the living reality of the Divine in this moment. By appreciating and honouring That, we allow all else to flow effortlessly to us. In our modern day times it is easy to imagine that by accumulating enough of this or that we will eventually reach the Kingdom and be happy and fulfilled. We only have to stop and check with our actual experience to realize the futility of this path, and begin to appreciate all the little things this moment is offering us.

I have started learning to be grateful for the challenges and struggles that I face as well. In hindsight I can see how the tough experiences of the past lead me to an even better present. I gain insight and wisdom through the difficulties, and I'm able to move forward with greater awareness than if life were just smooth and easy all the time. Learning to practice unconditional gratitude is changing my life in literally miraculous ways. Even if situations don't seem to immediately get better, my attitude of gratitude keeps me grounded so I can focus on practical solutions to whatever life throws at me. Thank you so much for reading. I'm grateful for your time. <3