It's not cowardly. It doesn't make you a horrible person for experiencing it. It does not make you weak. In fact, having depression and battling it as strong as you are makes you a fighter. A warrior. A magician. Cause to play with the alchemy of management to the disarray that exists in your mind is some real magic. Just making it out of bed some days when it feels like your whole world is caving in, and you can't stop the tears from coming, and you're sure this is the spell that's going to take you is fucking magic.
As a recent college graduate, I am no stranger to hardship, stress, and learning as you go. In college, I worked hard to earn excellent grades with the intention that hard work pays off in the long run. But, after graduation I found myself lost. I was stuck in a retail job where I was absolutely miserable. I could not find another job even remotely close to my degree, which is in Psychology. In other words, like many young adults, life knocked me to the ground and I was not sure how to get back up. Anxiety and depression hit like the weight of the world, pushing and pulling me in directions I did not want to go. I only yearned to be successful, make a living, and have the ones around me be proud.
Are you here yet? It’s the house just three down from the carpark. The one with the brown door. Come straight in. It’s open. Don’t hover by the door – come on through. Do you like the lounge? It’s been decorated recently. A lovely colour isn’t it! Yes, we do have a movie subscription. I’ll let you have a watch later if you want. I can see you looking towards the games console too. Whatever you want to do is fine – my home is your home.
For the past week, I have felt like the lowest of the low; stressed out, depressed and anxious. By the end of the week I ended up feeling ill physically as well, getting headaches and other ailments that had started to kick in to the point that I wasn't able to cope with it. The initial fear began with people coming too close to my liking in my bubble; when I’m in that state of mind and I'm struggling to cope with it, more symptoms kick in.
For the first time in the history of the iconic magazine, Sports Illustrated recently hosted an open casting call for their next big swimsuit model. Women submitted videos on Instagram to enter, and 35 lucky finalists were selected to travel to New York for a photo shoot and interview.
I know that I suffer from a mental health issue—I know, deep down, that I am depressed. Most people think that depression is only "feeling sad." Wrong. There is so much more to depression than that. What bugs me is when you confide in someone about being depressed, the other person says "Oh, I've been sad too." Basically, I'm hoping that I'm gonna try and minimize the preconception of depression as only sadness.
My immediate family has a history of depression and anxiety. My mom and sister both take anti-depressants and my sister also deals with severe anxiety. I always thought I was an exception. I was not. In grade 10 I went through a period of depression that lasted months. I didn't realize what it was at the time. I had no will to go to school so I stayed home most days. I'd miss two-three school days a week. I still got by with average grades. In grade 11, I figured out what I wanted to do in life. I found passion and motivation and was able to overcome the depression. I started working hard in school and rose to the top of my class. I graduated with honours and was accepted into a university overseas for a masters program.
Losing someone you love is one of the toughest things one can go through in their life. Sadly, it happens way too often nowadays, but that's life for you. Whether you lose someone from death or someone you care for moves away and you lost all contact with them. Grief comes in all ways, shapes, and forms.
Days without food or movement flow into one another. The only time that can be quantified is the moments during which my mind is less muted than usual—when emotions are something tangible.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. What? What is that? Oh no. My alarm. I have to get up now. I have to start my day. I have to get ready for work. What if people look at me today? What if they judge me. Shoot, I have bags under my eyes. What if they think I look tired? What if they judge how I look. Stop. Stop you're fine. Just put on your makeup, brush your hair and teeth. We're running out of time.