Suicide Letter

DISCLAIMER: This post is in no way a mockery, encouragement, or anything nefarious towards the serious subject of suicide. These are my personal thoughts from a year ago when I myself was going through a ten year depression. If you or someone you know is depressed or having suicidal thoughts, please seek out help and/or call this suicide hot line- National Suicide Prevention Life Line: 1-800-273-8255. Please, from a personal experience, your life is more than worth living.

In blood it shall be written. Why should mine be any different from the rest? It’s a typical thing to do. But, these words won’t be average or anything of the like matter. For I’ve strived through much. This creeping pain in the night has no boundaries. It thrives upon my beaten flesh, and broken bones. Like maggots to a dead body it swarms me daily. The difference being that it’s nourishment never tires, nor does it deplete. Who can I blame but myself though? I continued to allow its obscure presence because I was under the self assumption that it is what’s best for me. For a time it was, without a doubt. However, now it is clearly venomous sakura petals. Its alluring beauty disguised its adverse and dark intentions. Oblivious I was, and oblivious I still am. It has made me aloof. So much that I know not how to interact with the beings so adjacent to me. So in turn, I distance myself and pursue my true comfort and passion. Red. Red. Red. I must see it. I lust for it. I dream of it. The name alone is my salvation. The action of Red is my deliverance. Where is the silver that will bring me to the holy presence of Red? I must know where it lies. Its resting place is wondrous yet grievous. The omen it withholds is tempting to bare into fruition. I need my five senses to realize Red. To hear its joyous scream, its dreadful taste, its corpse like touch, its hag like appearance, and its foul smelling musk is my only goal. So pleasing it will be once it makes itself known to me. It holds the mentioned gifts along with the major one gift that is freedom. All seek it, but few obtain it in all its undignified glory. Moths to flames they flock towards it. Unfortunately, its flame burns too fiercely for them to get within even remote range to gaze upon its true nature and appearance. Those unworthy cowardice beings are not able nor truly willing as I am. Therefore it allows me to step close to it until I am at its doorstep. I stare this greatness down as if I’m under its spell. In which of course I am. I’ve always been under its spell and charm for as long as the ocean of darkness is wide. It whispers to me ever so elegantly, and I eagerly listen to its soothing voice...ever yearning.

Do you feel it? The rage? The pain? It is as enticing as ever I assume. Embrace it. Shy away from it not. It is there to help you. Lash out against those who would tell you otherwise. Let your emotions run rampant. You hate how your life turned out don’t you? I do too. You had such a dark future planned for you and it turned out to be bright. How disappointing. Alas, it will be dark again so long as you follow my words. Take hold of the silver that’s been awaiting your grasp. It will show you to Red just as you desire. You will initially feel the sharp pain that soon evolves into the upmost pleasure. You will desire it more and more. Take no shame in this and feel no sympathy for those you leave behind or may disappoint. They do not know what you’ve gone through, and continue to go through. Sweet child so mature, do you wish to experience your true childhood? Then be not afraid of what lies ahead. Jump into its arms. That window has a silver lining. It also leads to Red. Search my child. Search for your....

I wish to embrace this new found pleasure. I’ve had enough of this continued torture I’m forced into by my family. I wake to a deep pain in my stomach caused from a member. As if he was an alarm clock. It hurts of course, but used to it I soon become. Here my life is threatened, and my sanity questioned. Only the soothing prayers I made, and melodies I created prevented me from embracing you sooner. I can no longer hold back my desire for you Red. I must have you. Help me from these crushing waves that slam me into the craggy coast full of jagged rocks protruding from the earth. Their sickles pierce my flesh, but naw away at my mentality and emotions. Their venom is potent. More potent than the venom I once knew so long ago. One would think me to be immune to such harmful fluids, yet still I suffer. This venom is like the flu. A new vaccine must be created every year in order to barely subside its effects, only for it to commandeer my soul once more. I can no longer take it. The poison, the pain, the hurt, the strife, the suffering, the endless wet nights, the shivering of my skin, nor the unstableness of my mind. That above all others is the most dangerous aspect of me. I should be locked up in a straight jacket for my mental crimes against others and myself. But instead I somehow manage to continually hide it from the authorities of the world and live on as a “normal” being. I’m ready for you Red. Your ragged, rushing, raving, resplendent release is all I yearn for now. Give me a clue as to where silver may be so I can use it to find my way to you. Cease my emotions. Cease my pain. Cease...my existence. It has little to no meaning anyway. Why continue to allow it? Save this pitiful existence from this bright future that lies ahead. Bring me to your dark corridors so that I may be at true peace. For such a subject is only achieved when the bright lights are extinguished. Death is the ultimate sacrifice, just as much as it is the ultimate peace. Cliché as it may be, no one would miss me in their earnest. Fictitious, all of them. Their love reach not my ears, but the barren barrier brought before these bumbling bastards. Their love...it’s like thorns on a rose stem, or needles on a lion fish. They are the oil to my water. The white to my black. What would they deserve from me? Surely not my life? I’ve given such a precious and precarious gift to them many times, and they all rampage on it’s essence. Instead I shall give them the sorrow and misery bestowed by the reaper. Still, I pray they not weep. I pray instead that they rejoice. For a poor King has committed an act seen as unforgivable, yet pitiful. Yes. This gift from Red shall be it! This gift shall be my deliverance. This great abundant, appropriate, apprehensive gift of...Suicide.

Coward. Why are you so afraid to take action against yourself? You’ve been through this process many times. The details are clear, and the motives are there. Why is it you still hesitate. Those mortals have little inclination on what all you are. What all you’ve done! Tell me that you hesitate not for them, but for the edging pleasure that this gift will bring to you. Say it! These words will break my anger and breed a nefarious, vicious smile. These words will be like semen to an egg. It will nourish my soul to help me take over. Give it to me! Pound my flesh and release yourself in me so that I may be pleased! I want your fruit. It feels and tastes wondrous! You worry because once you give to me this fruit you bore, you fear the worst? My child fear not. For Red shall give you new fruit greater than the one lost. So embrace it. Commit the most noble and dignified act and take hold of the candle that shines shadows so sinisterly. Embrace your Suicide!

I’m scared...why am I here in this dark place. Take me from it. Go through with this gift not. It frightens me. I’m so young. Would you betray and murder innocence? Let your dew drops flow upon your plump meadows. Allow them to be abundant and multiply. They do no harm. So why hold them back? Why hold me back? You’ve given Him so much of your time and power. You don’t look yourself anymore. Very drained you are. He is a parasite. Your relationship with him is a one way road leading to true death disguised as a gift. Don’t you see all the wrong being done here? I see...so this is your choice. Let the dew drops never fall in that case as I know you won’t. I will always be here. Eagerly awaiting for you to choose me. However, if you go through with attaining this gift, I will forever be lost. Tell me that is what you want...tell me you want Suicide.

TAKE HOLD OF MY VERY ESSENCE! I HAVE FOUND YOU SILVER! GUIDE ME TO RED SO THAT I MAY FOREVER BE AT PEACE! MAKE IT BE KNOWN THAT MY LIFE IS NOW AT ITS END! REJOICE ALL WHO ARE IN THE KNOWING! FOR I HAVE FOUND RED! I HAVE FOUND THIS RESPLENDENT GIFT! I have found...Suicide.

DISCLAIMER: This post is in no way a mockery, encouragement, or anything nefarious towards the serious subject of suicide. These are my personal thoughts from a year ago when I myself was going through a ten year depression. If you or someone you know is depressed or having suicidal thoughts, please seek out help and/or call this suicide hot line- National Suicide Prevention Life Line: 1-800-273-8255. Please, from a personal experience, your life is more than worth living