Straight No Chaser

“There can be miracles if you believe.”

Believe.

That word, some seven letters long, is miles away from the turmoil brewing on the inside. It's more like a dark gray typhoon. The chaos within builds a stronghold that prevents hope and belief from entering in. Anytime those twins come within the surface of the storm, they’re rocked back with enough force to split atoms apart. It’s dangerous there-rather it’s dangerous here.

As I write this, I smirk, much like in the photo above. I don't smile often. I don't remember the last time I produced authentic joy and I was okay being myself. Ha. Myself. The storm that brews from the inside has a way of pulling me away from me. You know what I mean?

Well, may I explain?

Have you read the tale of the grandfather, the original settler of what is now known as the USA, told his grandson: the story about the wolves inside? Well, there are two-one good and the other bad. The point of the story, to bring concise clarity, I, like you, choose which wolf I feed. Either the one that I have known for years or the one that I recently met.

The wolf that I have known for years brings with her trauma and generation hurts and doubts passed from one body to the next. She mated with another that brings destruction to each corner of her world. Hence the reason hope and belief have a hard time entering.

Before I continue, I should introduce myself, I am Shawn- a pseudonym. There is a hesitancy to fully release me into these pages, but I will be remiss if I don’t at least try. Try to unfold my nakedness and catch a ray of sunshine. Howbeit, that would be me growing intimately with the wolf that I just met.

The wolf that I recently introduced himself, bears things that tremble the core of the wolf I know. Creating a power struggle for the throne of my heart. The gifts he brings comes in the form of no judgment, peace, love, longsuffering, forgiveness, patience, and more.

With a gentle hand that caresses the curve of my spine, he lifts me up to new heights. His hand reassures me that it's okay to fall apart because in the depth of the breakdown there is healing. With this healing forms a powerful breakthrough, which carries with it absolution-wholesome. It's my new aphrodisiac. There is light at the end of the tunnel with my name etched at the end of it.

Or at least that's the blossoming of freedom I hope to gain.

It’s in these moments, where courage has a tendency to blossom and then dies on breath cue because of the previous wolf.

This wolf, Dusk, settles. He has been on the journey with me for quite a while now. He and I are toxic lovers twisted in passionate heat. I remember when we first met. Upon this encounter, Dust introduced himself as pain. I was extremely young then a budding rose stretching toward the sun. He, a smooth ebony array just before daybreak, covered me from the light’s warmth. I remember that encounter as though it were yesterday.

Again I was young, not at my healthiest when we met. I had just undergone my primary surgery, I was waking up. My big brown eyes fluttered for a moment, then I became alert. The apple of my eye wasn't within sight. Panic gripped me. Where is she? Where is my mother? She wasn’t present after I regained consciousness. I didn’t feel safe or secure. Immediately I thought the worst. She left me. Alone. In that short time frame, I felt forgotten and vulnerable.

Needless to say, my mother left the room to inform our family that I was ok.

It only took a second, but that moment was all he needed. That was Dusk's first introduction. As a youth, he promised that he would be consistent and constantly present. He has yet to default on that promise.

Shortly, thereafter, again, Dusk, returned with black roses on three separate occasions. I knew then that he and I would be acquaintances for a while.

There would be peaks of joy here and there throughout my formative years, but Dusk grew as I grew. At some point, Dusk became my identity. I no longer came into my life whole and complete. Funny, I don’t believe I was ever whole nor complete, that is until I met Dawn. Dawn as stated above, Dawn is the light that illuminates the darkness.

Dawn graced the corner of my life when things became interesting and my body began course corrections. I was learning about the physicality of my external beauty when Dawn entered. Much like the sunrise becking the wake of a new day, so did Dawn.

He is small in stature, upon entry of my life. Liken unto a toddler, cute, playful, and rambunctious at times. He enjoys receiving love but is also patient while I learn HOW to give love. Dawn treats me like a flower he noticed was on life support in need of rescue. He saw what the naked eye couldn’t see. The server affects that Dusk has left on me.

Dusk, highly toxic, but I love him. Dusk has been there-here for me. Yes, he is abusive with language that tears my heart to bits, but I know that he loves me. He’s kept me close and held me on nights where I knew I was alone. Dusk wrapped me in blankets of “truth.” He has been the only one good to me. Loving with an open palm or closed fist equally. No, he doesn’t bring flowers, never has. However, he washes my being with bloodstained words filled with salt. There are days where he would leave and allow me to sit in what was formed as our love.

He feeds me bitter herbs and flat wine, but I know that he loves me. He isn’t that bad. It just takes some time to understand him is all.

My tongue rushes to defend Dusk per usual. Although, hearing the statements out loud sound jarred and ignorant to my own ears, but I stick with the rhyme.

The look on Dawn’s face, as I tell him this tale, is one of sorrow, compassion, and hurt.

Shawn, you're stronger than this. You deserve to be healed and loved properly. There is poison in your veins and he has you wrapped tightly in the web of lies. He leads you on daily and shatters the essence of your beauty. Darling, look me in my eyes tell me that what your facing is worth surrendering all of you to the plight that brings endless desolate dark nights? I can sense the thirst for freedom at your core. Freedom to be you and step into marvelous and light. Darlin’ you’re worth that to me. If you would just allow me to help you get and remain free, please?

He gently covers my hand with his, inwardly, I recoiled my hand from his touch afraid of what Dusk would do if he knew. Dawn felt my hand tense beneath his before it relaxed.

I know that you’re afraid of who you are without, but allow me to expose further who you will remain IF you stay with him.

He takes his other hand, as he did with my first hand, and gently covers it. Mindful of the tension in my willing hands, he brings them together, mine securely underneath his, as he caresses them. As his touch relaxes my hand and heart, a light glows with warm sparks. I stare at our hands a moment before meeting his gaze.

As for the question in your eye, watch. The story that you told me will expose to you the lies. Was his reply.

I did as he asked and watched as the story unfolded. It was dark and brutal. There I was, a bruised and bloody eye, split lip, cuts, and scraps. Lying on the bed of black sheets bleeding and stifling cries. Holding myself as he lay to my side fast asleep unbothered by the severity of my injuries. This time he didn’t use restraint. He said there was no need I would submit and if not it would be much worse until I learned my place.

Tears rolled down my eyes as I watched the next scene unfold.

Dusk rained down insult after insult, as I stared at him bewildered. He said nasty things that made my skin crawl. He called me everything that was befitting of a lude and loose woman. He smiled menacingly at me. As though it was to bring me comfort, but truly his words cut like a knife to my core. He raised his hand, and I flinched, at his touch. Instead of striking me, this time, he gently rubbed my still bruised cheek, and whispered, “you’re nothing without me and never will be. You are nothing but a weak plaything. NO one wants you but me. I mode, make, and break objects like you.”

Dawn watched my face to gauge whether to continue the revelation of just how demeaning this farce of a relationship with Dusk was or to just let it be.

If you want I can stop.

I shook my head with tears in my eyes before barely an audible whisper of continue left my mouth.

The last reel he showed me was more gruesome than the previous two. This night, I refused to lie with Dusk, but refusal only meant yes and I was his to do with what he pleased. He roughly grabbed me by my wrists and dragged me to his room. Pushing me inside before him. As he cleared the frame, he forcefully and locked slammed the door.

Although it took mere moments to do, somehow it seemed an eternity. I was in the corner of the room, praying to shrink from the onslaught I knew would come, but I only imagined shapeshifting into a bluejay and flying out the room. I don’t recollect when my dress became rags or when he sheathed himself in me. On the inside, I screamed, but physically I made no noise which only drove him mad. So, he worked harder roughly producing the sound that pleased him most.

It felt as though this torture would be ongoing, but eventually, it came to an end. He rolled off of my body and went to sleep while I lay awake crying.