Raw

Dawn seemed to be blinded by all the love and support that she thought she needed, she failed to see what she had right in front of her. Inwardly, she longed for the support that birthed a sense of self. The sense of knowing that she could do anything and be anyone. This desire blinded her to the nurturing she had presently. She idolized the love and support she thought everyone else had. So much so that she missed out on the fact that she already possessed it. Funny, how when life throws a curveball, suddenly the eye sees what was there all along.

Dawn lived a rather unique existence. From her youth up she developed a safety guard within her heart that kept her in and many others out. Over time though that guard caused her a lot of pain, time, and stunted her growth. Now that she was nearly thirty, some things had to give. Her therapist encouraged her to pinpoint where this trauma formed. Dawn committed to doing just that.

She found that her guard went up, around the time she was five years old. Her elder sister and cousin wouldn’t allow her to play with them. In an act of dramatic sorts, Dawn stormed away into her mother’s embrace.

Why are you crying?

They won’t let me play with them.

Dawn, it’s ok.

The exchange between mother and daughter continued, “Sweetheart, there will be moments in life where you aren’t allowed in, but that’s okay because just shine and love anyway.” After that small talk, Leah-Dawn’s mother rocked her to sleep. Little did she know there was a seed that was planted to would bind her to that moment.

Dawn, recounting the story in her therapy session, explained how it made her feel.

“I see. What do you believe are the next steps for you in this healing process?”

She tilted her head, thinking a moment.

I’m not sure.

Dr. Howard pulled out a black Moleskine notebook and handed it to her.

For starters, you are to write down any negative and counterproductive thoughts, then you are to reaffirm who you are. Write three positive things about yourself and recite them out loud. Then I want you to do something to free yourself.

Free me?

Yes, I want you to do one small thing a day to free yourself from this weight. Essentially, build your confidence in yourself and your support system.

How do I do that?

Dawn, you have to decide what creates happiness within you. Me, I enjoy helping others talk through the emotional upheaval and create a middle ground for them. Then afterward, I unwind by listening to jazz. It’s tough being a secret-keeper. I do have a Hippocratic oath to honor.

Dawn sat in the chair thoughtful and considering what steps to take.

Dawn, what are you thinking?

Well, I have wanted to participate in this showcase for a while now, but I am insecure about taking the risk.

What is it?

It’s an open mic night. There are a lot of talented people that share their stories. I would like to share mine.

Good, nodding his approval. He smiled, pulling out yet another gift. This is a recorder. Record your thoughts. Then write them down.

A few moments more and Dawn’s session came to an end.

Now on your next visit, I want to hear about the writing and where you are in the healing process.

Yes, Dr. Howard.

As she exited the door, her mind began to formula the vision of where she wanted to go next. She envisioned herself on stage reciting her out. She loved that idea. Giving a piece of her to a welcoming crowd of collectives.

While musing, her phone rang.

“Hello.”

“Hey, Dawn, what are you up to?”

“Nothing much. What’s up?”

“I notice that you’ve been writing here and there--would you like to have lunch in an hour. Tha way we could talk in person?”

“Sure. Where do you want to meet?”

“Dizzie’s.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you there.”

Dawn and Carol met at Dizzie’s, a Mediterrean style spot with Nigerian and Italian infusion. Hence the name Dizzie’s. After being seated, Dawn and Carol removed their masks, ordered their drinks, and made small talk until their waiter returned for the entree order. While engaging in current issues, their waiter returned.

“What would you ladies like?”

“I’ll have the chicken roti with a side of chopped salad.”

“And you miss?”

“I’ll have the fried plantains and fish please and thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll have that right out for you.”

“Ooh, he gave you that eye Dawn.”

“Oh, stop it.”

“I mean--”

“Carol,” Dawn smiled sweetly but her patience was beginning to thin, “why are we here?”

“Oh, right,” Carol took the rebuff in stride, “So, to the why behind us meeting up. Like I was saying, I’ve noticed you’ve been doing some writing and research on poetry. Are you planning on participating at some events?”

Dawn’s smile was guarded, in that moment she was attempting to decide what her words should be.

Settling for an okay. Carol continued, “Well, there’s an open mic night in two weeks.”

Responding with the previous answer. Carol rolled her eyes and proceeded to ask the question, “Are you interested in competing?”

The sting of an instant no was Dawn’s knee-jerk response; but before the stinger could make contact, Dawn reached for adventure. “Yeah, why not?”

“Yay, thank God. I was anxious because I knew you’d say no.”

Now, it was Dawn’s turn to roll her eyes.

“Anywho, if you do well, you’ll be entered into another competition.”

“Slow down speedy G.This is only for fun and who’s to say I’ll do it again?”

Carol paused, “Look, just step out on faith. You got this. Like you said you may not like it, but on the off chance that you are more than amazing-which you will be- you’ll love it. Plus you’ll be prepared for the next one.”

Smiling. Dawn replied, “okay, when’s the date for the open mic night again?”

“In four days.”

“Four days?! You said in two weeks.”

“Well, I lied. It’s in four days. Which means you have plenty of time to prepare.”

“Carol.”

“Dawn, you’ll be fine. Oh, look. Our food is here.”

Saved by the food, Carol worked feverishly to calm Dawn’s anxiety as they ate. Carol boosted Dawn’s confidence and reassured her that she’d be great. By the end of their impromptu lunch date, Dawn was calm and collected. Meals concluded and the bill split, the ladies said their see-you-laters and went their way.

After reciting and rehearsing for hours, the moment had come. Dawn was debuting tonight. The nerves she felt sent butterflies through her stomach. She prayed for the best, but mostly she hoped for a ‘ta-da’ moment.

“Coming to bless the mic next is Lady D. Let’s give a warm Red Phoenix welcome to Lady D.” Gracefully making her way to the stage sporting a white blouse, fitted blue jeans, and thigh-high flats, Dawn stepped center stage.

Ravenous might sinking deep in the abyss of sorrow

God knows her shame better than she could count

Fallen

Landing on her back in sinking sand. The struggle to get free

Why was this hard?

Letting go of what was and embracing what could be?

I lived in the past drawing in a sea of your memories.

Forgetting that the man I imagined doesn’t exist to be

Never had

I longed for your touch, embrace, and your memory

Dawn recited with passion the piece.

But now you’re just that, a memory.

A memory that I hope for in vain; but thank you for the lesson

So that I could get back to me and loving the woman I left

Loving me again

Respectfully the audience applauded and snapped her off the stage. Dawn exhaled. From her core she felt the excitement, completing her first step. She beamed with light.

“Yes, sis. You spoke that.”

“I love your fit.”

“Spit yo truth, sis.”

A number of other praises and compliments adorned her. Dawn continued smiling, and for the first time she was truly happy and proud of her bravery. At that moment, she knew she was sold. From there on out, she sold herself weekly to performing, and devoted time to perfect her craft. Her confidence began to blossom as she nurtured this gift.

Reaching for her hand he grabbed it

Pulling her to safety as the tide rolled in. holding her tightly

In the warmth of his embrace

He cocooned her with his love covering her

Smiling her reply as she returns the embrace as they

Danced under the moonlit night

Dawn, now a weekly and on occasion a bi-weekly performer, was granted the opportunity to showcase.

“Well, don’t you look saucy? Where are you headed?”

“Thanks…” eyes guarded Dawn replied, “Nowhere special. Why do you ask?”

Carol’s face beamed, “Well, I was wondering,” dangling the remainder of her sentence in the air for dramatic effect.

“Carol spit it out already.”

“Ok, ok, ok.” Carol smiled, “are you participating in the Urban Underground Showcase in three weeks?”

A slight pause, caused Carol to lift a delicate brow questioningly.

“Um...yeah.”

Enthusiasm colored her words, “Yay. I’m so proud of you. I’m truly happy that you are taking this risk. So, are you working on any new pieces?”

Before Dawn could answer, her phone rang. Gesturing for a moment, Dawn received the call.

“Yo what’s up?”

A deep baritone responded, “nothing, sweetheart. I was just checking on you.”

I wide grin stretched her lips, “I’m good.”

“Good, are you up for practice tonight?”

“Yeah. What time?”

“How does six sound?”

“That’s perfect. At the spot?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok. See you there.”

“Later.”

Glancing at her watch, she had roughly an hour before meeting him.

“Ok, where are you off to?”

“I have a practice session. I’ll be back soon.”

EJ and Dawn met the week after her debut at the Red Phoenix. He critiqued her overall performance and offered to coach and mentor her. At first, she hesitated out of fear and preconceived judgments. Abandoning those narratives she took another risk. For the past three and a half months or so, she and EJ had developed a unique pupil and master bond. The two meshed well and formed an easy friendship, and now they are preparing for the showcase.

“Alright, let’s hear it.”

Dawn recited her piece. EJ gave her his initial take and had her repeat.

“No, again. Look, leave all that shy innocent crap behind. Seduce me. Entice me. Again.”

Repeating it again; but again EJ stopped her. “Dawn, this showcase has a grand prize of 20 thousand dollars. Right now you’re giving me half a dime worth performance.”

Dawn’s head dropped.

“Don’t you want it?”

Nodding her head in reply, EJ continued, “Well, then seductively entice me. Make me remember you and only you.”

Taking a deep breath, Dawn went at it again:

You’re like one in a million-

“No, no, no,” EJ fused, “what’s on your mind? Your cadence and rhythm are off.”

Dawn averted her eyes, avoiding his prodding stare.

“Look, you have to give a full performance. You have to make them want you. What’s blocking you?”

“I really--,” she paused. “I don’t know. Being quite honest I feel rather foolish competing. I have only been in this world three and a half months.”

“So, you're afraid. You’re afraid to lose?”

“Heck yeah.”

“That’s good, but this is rehearsal. This isn’t the final curtain call,” he continued, “baby girl, be here now. Here is where nervousness and fear are faced. Get those jitters out here. Let’s have fun and rehearse, shall we?

Her nerves alieved, Dawn’s posture relaxed and her words flow with much passion, poise, and zeal.

“Yes,” EJ applauded, “Yes, yes. That’s how it’s done. You execute like this or better and that grand prize is yours.”

Dawn smiled, “you believe so?”

“Heck yeah.”

“Thank you.”

“Welcome. Now, let’s get out of here.” As they parted ways, EJ instructed her to recite and read her pieces. She was on a partial vocal rest.

“I want you at your best. You got this.”

The big day arrived. Dawn had been journaling and recording her journey. Her black notebook was filled and her audio was also filling up. Her gifts from Dr. Howard were reshaping her which is what led to this night. Holding her journal close, she embraced her truth and released her doubts and made room for an eventful night.

As the night progressed, Dawn and a few others advanced to the final round. After this round, they’d await an intense five to ten minutes to learn who’d won the evening.

“You ready mighty mouse?”

Dawn smiled at her nickname, “As ready as one can get.”

“You got this. Knock ‘em out. K.O. One, two, punch.”

Sighing to calm the butterflies in her stomach, she took center stage.

Pausing, taking the moment in, she began. This piece opened with the bridge from an old eighties song, and then she spoke.

Laying it all on the line

I wept for what I thought I knew

And yet each night you left me

Left me sitting up waiting for the next time I’d feel your warm embrace

Cold and bare

An ebony bird awaiting for somewhere to lay her twigs; but your nest was full

Black bird that hummed loves tune to a shattered heart waiting for you to complete the measure

Black bird weep black bird cry. How doth she fly with clipped wings and no hope in spring?

Dawn landed the piece and the crowd cheered and clapped. Again she paused taking in the crowd and the moment before bowing and exiting the stage. Awaiting her to the center left was EJ. In his hands he held flowers and an envelope.

Taking the gifts, Dawn thanked him.

He smiled, “Don’t open the envelope until after the winners are announced.”

She nodded as they took their seats.They listened and made small remarks as the night came to an end. After the last poet spoke, the judges deliberated and the contestants listened to Miles Hodge perform Count On It and Head to Toe.

After concluding his final piece, the announcer handed Miles the cards for the winners.

“The moment we’ve been waiting for. The second runner-up is Layona Cole. The first runner-up is Devin Miles.” The crowd exploded with applause.

“Settle down, The grand champion is…”

Dawn whispered, “the suspense is killing--”

“The winner is Dawn AKA Lady D.”

Dawn’s breath caught in her throat. EJ pushed her up and onto the stage. Holding his hand, she pulled him up with her.

Miles congratulated Dawn and she whispered her thanks.

Giving a brief speech, Dawn thanked her coach, her bestie, and her therapist for their support.

Challenge accepted and the victory won. This is only the beginning.