Stop Apologising for Your Existence

Stop apologising.

Really.

Stop saying 'sorry' for being in the way of another person on the footpath.

Stop saying 'sorry' for laughing too loudly.

Stop saying 'sorry' for being yourself.

Stop it. Stop diminishing your light and your presentation of just being yourself.

I didn't realise how often I do it and I did it again today with my partner when I said "I'm sure you are too busy" - implying that he had no time for me, that I thought I wasn't worthy of his time. He has never given me any reason to doubt his love for me and yet in my head and my actions, I push him away with my self-doubt.

Last weekend, I was called out on this.

I went to a women's retreat. It was hosted by Sahaja and as a part of the retreat, we shared our personal stories and growth experiences. I had listened to the rest of the group share what they had learned from an activity we did with word cards. We needed to ask what our next steps needed to be to move forward and reflect on the cards. Everyone had wonderful things to share and they were so good, I wrote them down:

Appreciate the mystical

Be available

You have choice

Live in joy and depth

Surrender to fears

Follow what you love

Practice gratitude

All beautiful lessons learned from seven wonderful women. Then it was my turn. I had written in my journal my response which I read out verbatim, here is an extract:

"You know what it is you need to do to live your intention, your abundant life. The only thing stopping you is your belief in yourself and the negative self-talk that centres on unworthiness..."

At the end of my story about my next steps and my intention for myself, I said it wasn't as exciting as the rest of them, or something similar. I put my head down and closed my journal. Then I looked up at M. She said, hand on her heart, tears in her eyes:

"I was with you, fully with you, I was fully there and then you put yourself down - that hurt."

I was a bit taken aback. I had never considered how I hurt others when I self-diminish, when I apologise, or put myself down. For the first time ever, I felt her hurt, I felt the hurt of another person when I diminished myself. That negative voice in my head that I use when my light starts to shine or I start to feel good, when I apologise for who I am, stops the flow of myself and I hurt other people.

When I undermine myself, I hurt others. What a radical revelation.

When we say sorry, just for being who we are, we hurt not only ourselves but others. I read somewhere the worst kind of emotional abuse we can deliver to ourselves is by self-deprecation. It is defined as "disparagement or undervaluation of oneself" and that's what we do when we are constantly apologising, just for being who we are.

At every moment we have an opportunity to be fully present in ourselves, but that little dark voice inside our heads drags us out of the present and tells us we aren't worthy, that we don't deserve to be treated with respect and adoration, or that nobody would want to hear our voices. But it's wrong.

The lion doesn't question its existence with every interaction with other beings. A dog doesn't question its existence, and neither do most of the people we see walking about. When we were children, we were open-hearted and most definitely didn't question our existence until the traumas began - neglect, rejection, abandonment...but as educated, rational adults we need to start calling out that voice.

I deserve to be here.

You deserve to be here.

We all have a right to exist. There is a reason we are here - or there is not - either way, we are HERE, on Earth, having this experience of being human. And those voices that make us question our existence need to be confronted, they need to be called out for what they are - shadows of a life we no longer want to be bound by.

In love,

A

©Alyssa Curtayne, 2021