When the gray skies roll in and my soul feels torn and incomplete, I go for a run. As I climb up the hills and see the side of the slopes there is a feeling of breaking through a web of negative thoughts and feelings. The ascent reminds me of flying out of my dark past and into the light.
The run continues and I begin to stitch up the holes in my soul. The places that got torn and ripped in the latest arguments. The spots that are weak from wear and tear. The repairs in my mind start with looking at the mixture of textures in tree bark. It shows me that I can grow past the dark family roots. The pine needles tell a story of letting go and being free is an access for the tree to grow unencumbered and that spreading freedom allows others to grow. The wind on my face reminds me I am alive and I have survived my worst memories.
At a certain point I am able to take all of the past pain and stitch up the holes in my soul. I can see that I really loved people who didn't know how to love me. That my longing to connect with my father was not possible because he had his own life with concerns that left him unable to see me or hear me. I can see that the pain I have cause others was a misunderstanding. That when someone offered me support or help that they were giving more than they were comfortable with and I should not have accepted it. I even begin to understand that my desire to lighten the mood with a dark or off colored joke wasn't meant to offend anyone but to break up tension without seeing that the person was not ready to play with the situation. I can see how often I missed being there for another. There was a time after my mother's stroke that I didn't have patience for complaints or for people who needed a listening ear from me. My mom lost enough of her capabilities that it was like dealing with a baby that was too large to pick up but still needed to be moved around. She would wake me up every two to three hours because she needed something. This took a toll on me that unfortunately some friends were on the paying end of it. I can see now the love, support, and understanding others had. I can also see now that I the expectation felt so high and I felt so disappointed in my shortness. I can see now that I was human and I had someone who wasn't ready, willing, or able to accept my life changed. And that I could forgive myself for all that I was not able to be during my most challenging times.
And as I am looking through these memories and places I can see my humanity. I can see that I have my faults and I didn't mean to hurt anyone. My highest desire was to bring in love, support, and understanding. At the core I am someone who cares enough to fly out to help someone move. That I left the country to show someone support for a one night event. I am the person who gave a child a bunch of beach toys she was eyeing because I knew she wanted it. In addition to that, I am someone who loves deeply and tries to do it as clearly as I can for each person I meet. I look at you and look for all that I know of you based off your facial expressions and tone of voice. I want everyone to be happy and I can see this after I stitch up the holes in my soul as it leaves me with the best parts of the tapestry.