Something new and something blue

For once the reason I stopped writing for a while was a positive one, I’ve been so wrapped up with making changes in my life. I needed one of those spring cleans but for my mind instead, instead of the empty water bottles on the side cabinet it was negative thoughts and doubt lingering in the air. You could say it was just a mess.

I lost the motivation and I lost myself again. I no longer felt my life was interesting enough to write about. But I pushed past it and boy did it take a lot of convincing. I guess we kind of forget that we are a person with opinions and impressions of ourselves, ironically the only opinion I take the most seriously despite when I had no belief or trust in myself. So where do I start? Well when the country went into lockdown I found myself comfort eating, I just realised this sounds a lot like the beginning of a cosmopolitan magazine and that’s hilarious to me.

Anyway back to the story.. I needed to start doing something about my weight and my happiness. I needed to bring in the new and take out the blue. So I ended up becoming a distributor for a company called Juice Plus, a vegan and plant based franchise. I thought why not use the products myself and know what they can do if I’m going to be selling them. I’ve managed to kick off about a stone which I am extremely proud of. And it’s funny because I never saw the changes until I begun practicing self love properly. I finally saw myself in a different light, I saw a girl trying her hardest. I finally woke up and realised that me and the girl in the mirror were on the same team. We both want the same things. We both want to love and to be loved in return.

Some of it can be pride, I never wanted to admit to myself I was going downhill again. I wanted to be so ahead of the game nothing bad was going to happen again. I had to sit down with reality and realise life is full of unexpected turns and dead ends, your mind is the compass which will always bring you home. And it’s okay if you struggle working it, compasses might look simple from a distance but it’s easy to be mislead by mistake. That terrible metaphor was me trying to say that life is not always what it seems, we have a whole lifetime to figure things out. It doesn’t have to be now.

And oh yeah I’m pescatarian now which has been interesting so far, I’ve been digging around for recipes to try out lately and I’ve realised pasta really does have a special place in my heart. And this is coming from a girl who was crazy over chicken for most of her life...

I feel like I’ve become reborn numerous times but to me that’s a good thing, it shows I want to always be the best version of myself. I never want to become something blue and never see the new. The new is exciting and full of unexpected opportunities. I reminisce about the person I used to be all the time, it’s where I came from. I’ve realised how much I’ve truly changed for the better. It’s not a pity party anymore and for once I feel I have my mental health under enough control for the time being. I’m learning new things everyday and it couldn’t feel any more amazing.

The moral of the story is you won’t always be on track, but just have faith that your compass will take you home eventually.