Sleep Paralysis

Sleep paralysis by definition according to sleepfoundation.org:

"Is a temporary inability to move that occurs right after falling asleep or waking up. Individuals remain aware during episodes, which frequently involve troubling hallucinations and a sensation of suffocation."

If you have never experienced this, the above (and many other) definitions do not accurately describe this horrific thing that happens. I have struggled with sleep paralysis for the better part of 30 years. Temporary? Sure, but the “facts” say only lasting between 6-7 minutes, what about those of us who have this lasting 20+ minutes? Doesn’t feel temporary to us. The inability to move anything on your body, combined with the feeling of an unseen body pressing down on your chest and abdomen and suffocating you is pretty horrific. The “experts” and I use the term loosely, say we hallucinate or create ‘demons’ during these episodes… What if we don’t? How would THEY know? To us this is very real and believe me, you really do think you are going to die. A feeling of doom and dread surround every inch of you and there is nothing you can do except ride it out. Even if you have a partner by your side, they are usually never aware this is even happening to you and you can’t move to let them know either.

I have seen many doctors in my lifetime for this. Had tests done and have even been sent for therapy. Over a 30 year span the best they can come up with is “sometimes it’s just something that happens.” REALLY? Are you fucking serious? That’s what professional people think this is? If it happened once in a while I could accept that but to have it happen weekly, that diagnosis is very hard to accept. Blood work, Ct scans, ultrasounds, EEG, sleep studies, therapy (just in case I was a nutcase), switching bedrooms, switching beds, no caffeine, no sleep meds. I was run through the whole gambit and their best was ‘something that just happens.’ I call bullshit! When they don’t understand it or don’t want to acknowledge it, that is their go to phrase. They once told me it was triggered by the trumas of my lifetime but i know I don’t go to bed every night and think about all the horrors of my life. Honestly, I don’t know why it occurs because if I did I would have stopped it a long time ago.

If you have never been through this let me try to break it down for you the best I can:

It starts with the semi waking up then realizing you can’t move, ANYTHING. Not even a finger or toe. The only thing you can move are your eyes. Which once you realize what is happening, begin to dart back and forth and search the room. Panic sets in as you know someone is beside you if you could only get their attention. Then comes (for me) a dark figure at my bedside. A faceless shape of blackness. Who approaches closer and closer until it is on top of your prone body. The crushing feeling and not being able to breathe is instantaneous. You want to struggle and get free but you can’t. You try time and time again to breathe even a shallow amount but you get little breath. You try to tell your brain to activate ANY muscle to move but your brain is not engaged at this time. You can’t even use your voice. You try to utter just a small sound that might wake your partner but no luck. You close your eyes hoping it is a bad dream. When you open them nothing has changed. You continue for as long as it takes to pass.

Sometimes 10 minutes, sometimes 20+ of the most horrifying feelings imaginable. If you have ever been in any kind of suffocating situation, whether it has choking on a drink or somebody messing around and sitting on you, or going underwater and then choking, that experience doesn’t hold a candle to this shit. There were times I would just ask to die to make it stop. I never found out any surefire way that I made it stop. I don’t think it was anything I ever did. It just stopped on it’s own. I even tried speaking to the dark mass inside my head but I will save that for another story. It didn’t work anyway. After all these years I just have accepted this as part of my sleep. Maybe explains why I am such a night owl and I don’t sleep for long periods unless I am sick. Which just as a side note, I have never had sleep paralysis while I was sick. In conclusion, This is a very real event that no one seems to have a good explanation for. I don’t rely on the internet to give me answers and I rely on the professionals even less. If someone you know tells you this happens to them, please don’t blow them off or think they have a wild imagination. They are not delusional or crazy. It helps to talk about it with others, so if anyone would like to contact me about this my contact info is in my profile, please feel free. You are not alone.

May your days be spectacular and your sleep restful and uninterrupted

Love G.