She has died twice in her lifetime. Once was when her 30 year old son took his own life almost 7 years ago and the second time was today, as she watched her 23 year old walk out the door. The honesty in her words and sorrow in her heart had placed a wedge between them for over 3 years now and today, the umbilical cord that has held them so close for so long was severed. She couldn’t be silent. You would think she would’ve learned by now just say nothing. He doesn’t understand how when he hurts, she hurts. When he is happy, she is happy. When he is depressed and has anxiety issues...she feels it too. It is a mother/child bond. Maybe not for everyone but most certainly for her. She feels all that her boys feel. The ups, the downs and the in betweens. The joy of their loves and the disappointments of their failures.
On those days, where everything seems to be falling apart, when nothing makes sense and it all seems too much to handle, it’s that smile that makes my day. The smile that says I am here for you. The one that sometimes is boyish and silly, or serious and heartwarming. THAT smile lets me know everything will eventually be fine. The smile that I can read in an instant. The smile that needs no words.
Chains that bind us. It begins before birth. The umbilical cord, the one thing that binds us to another human, is the first chain. Throughout our years on this earthly plane, we are given many chains. Things that hold us down or back, things that restrain us or keep us under control, chains that stop us from moving completely or only allow us to move very little. Rules and laws set forth by others. Some are chains of choice, whereas others are forced upon us. When you think of chains you think iron or metal, sometimes even plastic but rarely do we ever acknowledge the mental chains. The ones that are seldom seen but always felt by the wearer. There are many tools to cut the physical ones but the mental chains are much stronger and more difficult to remove. Those are the ones that only we can cut loose from. A stranger could find you bound in physical chains, get a bolt cutter and release you, that same stranger could find you bound in mental chains and still help to release you but using a different method.
It's been a long road, a rocky road, a journey that always brings me full circle. I once went for what I thought was going to be a short stroll, that turned into a long walk and eventually became a journey. I wasn't sure at the beginning what I was looking for on my stroll. Maybe something to fill the void and emptiness inside. Maybe a long lost feeling or emotion. Actually, I honestly don't believe I was looking for anything at all. I was lost and searching for answers to unanswerable questions. You were but a shadow from the past...long past.
She loves him like no other,
Staring out the window as it rains, she has his oversized shirt on. She loves his smell on it. She breathes it in deep and sighs. He walks up behind her and wraps his arms around her. She closes her eyes. He asks if she is alright, and she replies "I am now." His body feels so warm against her. She loves the way she feels when he holds her. So safe and so loved. He kisses her neck and pulls her closer. It's not the first time he has held her like this but it feels new to her every time. He whispers "I love you" she whispers softly back " I love you more."