Side Quests

When I was diagnosed with ADHD at the start of March this year it was not a surprise. What did surprise me was the intense emotional rollercoaster the diagnosis set me off on. What was really shocking was that within a matter of days of finding the correct medication type and dosage for me, that I could suddenly write again. A kaleidoscope in my mind's eye stopped turning, the beads settled and I could draw breath calmly. The creative thoughts and ideas which for over two decades had been running riot in my head could find an output. I can now write, draw, compose or sketch. It was such an unexpected bonus that it drew tears as I considered the lost time and the missed opportunities.

So, I decided early on in this Spring to start a blog about this journey of getting an ADHD diagnosis in my mid-40s and how it felt - how it impacted me. I've been writing and drawing and scribbling away and so far I've collected almost a quarter year's worth of material for it. However, setting up a blog website and collecting the material for it is not quite the same as having the bravery to publish it. To make the blog public, to actually share in the highs and lows of being able to look backwards and forwards. The sudden ability to stop living so literally in the current moment is unnerving when you're not used to it. I went through all this largely alone in my unique ADHD experience, and from the online ADHD group's chatter it seems this is the case for most people. We share snippets of what has helped us cope through this massive life adjustment. Many of us feel emotionally raw, vulnerable even - yet vindicated too as we realise we really were trying our best against odds stacked against us.

So, I note down what I can whenever I can manage it. What would have been unimaginable in February is now building momentum nicely. I listen to a podcast about ADHD in my kitchen in April when the cherry blossoms are starting to bloom. The host is Will Curb and this particular episode of Hacking your ADHD is about creating your own ADHD toolbox of strategies. The penny drops. I haven't published to my blog because I've been writing down *everything* that I can think of that might be useful. Some of this is my own personal narrative - my life story. The rest of the writing, scribbling and sketching does not fit this criteria. These are tools, ideas and strategies. Most have failed. My heart sinks. I realise my thoughts have wandered far and away whilst the podcast plays on and I pause and rewind it. Later on I find a fresh page in a notebook and start listing out the categories that these other creative bits and pieces fall under. What they might add up to.

We're in June now, or at least we are at the time I write this piece. Just as I could not see my progress in the Spring, I cannot see it in the Summer. ADHD creates a kind of time blindness, but less obvious is that it also creates a kind of progress blindness - and it is only by looking back at photos I made myself take weeks ago that I can appreciate just how far I've come along. Similarly, if I could have taken an emotional snapshot of myself in Spring I would have had a record of my quickness to dismiss the worth of what I was doing. I've had to rewrite all the sentences in *this* paragraph leading up to this sentence multiple times because the whole past-present-future tense thing frazzles my head so badly. My emotional snapshot for today shows me something different and exciting.

I am writing this piece for the Membership passion competition with literally an hour and 10 minutes left before the deadline. The competition I've known about and thought about for weeks. But I'm doing it, right? And that's the whole point. I'm no longer stuck, or at least not nearly so often. I have enough residual chaos around me to last me a few years of working through it. Physical items and objects, all the clutter that used to be money. The financial chaos caused by an inability to regulate my impulses and therefore my spending. The toolbox strategies that I have tried which have failed at the first attempt sometimes worked at a second trying, possibly a third. They are highly likely to be of some use to other people living with ADHD and I can articulate each tool or strategy as a sideline to my blog pieces.

So, my life has a side quest of learning how to live more easily with my ADHD both on and off medication. Thousands, if not tens of thousands of other people are currently on the same side quest. Many people don't even have the benefit of being able to access ADHD treatments. For them, tools and strategies are all there is. So, I'm going to make my ADHD toolbox a shared toolbox for as a blog side quest. One tool or strategy at a time for regular fans or followers, if they would like to sign up for such a thing. Because there is no doubt anymore about publishing those secret blog posts. That's happening, just as the comedy songs were written and the cartoons were drawn. I step firmly past the humiliation of admitting to other people that I find it difficult to perform basic tasks most people do without thinking. I now state my difficulty at no unnecessary cost to my self worth. It is liberating to advocate for myself.

Less than 20 minutes until the deadline. It's half-past four in the morning here and I've been listening to the dawn chorus of birds outside for the last two paragraphs. It's already light enough outside to read a book and I will not be getting any sleep. In the Winter a lost night's sleep would have caused me endless anxiety, but now I shrug it off and smile. My ADHD brain cannot regulate sleep any better than it can movement, impulses, thoughts or ideas. I'll have an early night tonight and life will go on. It's a huge improvement on making myself lie in bed for 8 hours when my mind clearly doesn't want to.

I almost walked away from my computer before hitting the publish button. Almost, but not quite. The kettle is calling me. I want a coffee and a pastry to celebrate doing the thing.