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The Fickle Baker

Proving yourself with warmth

By Ellie MayzePublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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I made this loaf of bread in 2019 the traditional way on the spur of the moment.

My ADHD brain knows fine well that I own a bread maker. Due to sheer disorganisation I might not always know where it is. I have been living in my current flat for almost 8 months and I'm not even vaguely near finished unpacking my moving boxes.

I think my bread machine is currently in hte hall cupboard. I have flour and dried yeast. I won't unpack or use the bread machine until making a loaf becomes my raison d'etre, my current moment.

I can and have walked past sections of unbuilt furniture temporarily stored in my hall for weeks. I know where they are, how to put them together and why I should do so. But with no deadline, my ADHD brain just won't comply.

When I was in my early twenties I had my own flat for a few years. A neat, small, one-bedroom flat that seriously needed doing up. There was no fitted kitchen, just a sinnk on a stand, and it hadn't been improved since the 1950s. What a fun project to work on!

I was burning the candle at both ends - with two jobs, a lot of partying and hours of DIY and painting. The flat took shape. I got compliments from family and friends about it. I was organised, productive, creative and relatively happy. How? Why?

The only answers I can think of are the following:

1. I was so busy I had to lurch from one immediate thing to another without a break.

2. I was so busy that my energy was utterly spent, so even with horrendous sleep issues I would at least be happy to snooze.

3. One relentless positive action after another carried me forwards. I had momentum going.

Skip past the intervening years. I have long known that I had gotten worse and worse. Why else seek an ADHD assessment in your middle years? Less than 3 months since my diagnosis and things are looking up. Everything I struggled with has started becoming easier.

Firstly, I'm on medication which helps my ADHD brain function better. Secondly, I have embraced the concept that I need to set up my own systems that suit me.

I put a whiteboard up in my hall - with a calendar next to it. I put a basket nearby for emptying my pockets into when I arrive home - and I allow the rest of the hall to go to chaos. This works for me.

It's not ordinary chaos in my hall though. What I dump there is what I intend my next priorities to be. I get all the pieces together, slowly. So slowly. Big projects, small projects. When my ADHD brain suddenly switches on to working on one of those projects the hall becomes clear. I then vacuum. Twice. The whole cycle will then repeat.

I know how to declutter, to tidy up after myself, to clean and to make areas aesthetically pleasing. It's just that my ADHD brain has not been presented with a priority for it. I have to wait to do it. I can't fake it.

Or can I? I have 'masked' for long enough. Acting as much like a neurotypical as possible whilst in company; can I not do that at home to get stuff sorted?

Nope - the 'masking' is a company-present dependent action. What bout acting like the person I want to be? Fake it 'till you make it? Well - sort of.

My recent ADHD diagnosis has been many things, in terms of its impact on me. The opportunity it provides me to rebuild confidence in who I am is golden. Whilst I slowly build, declutter, tidy and clean I also tentatively write and create.

I know I will be keeping my bread maker, not least because it was such a lovely present, years ago, from a family member. I am the type of person who, when better organised, occasionally makes bread. Edible bread.

The chipped mugs can go. The unloved items will be donated to others. I will pare back my chaos and in the process reassert myself. I will curate.

My ADHD brain knows I have a pot of blue emulsion paint. I have paint brushes, a paint kettle, a mini-roller for painting behind radiators, masking tape and old spare cloths and sheets. What I want to do is paint either my tiny, boring white kitchen or my tall, boring, white hall cupboard. For the sheer bling factor. For the emotional boost. I love painting walls. I find it cathartic and relaxing.

When I opened my kitchen cupboard earlier, I pushed the flour and the dried yeast righ to the back of it. One day in the near future, the bread maker will make its way into the hall - but it won't be today. The kitchen isn't ready. I'm not ready. I need to warm up and prove myself first.

selfcare
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