She Prevented My Suicide

Did you see the title and expect a heart-warming feel-good story? Sorry to disappoint. That’s not what this is going to be.

Hi, I'm Jo. Nice to meet you.

Do you ever feel like you're expected to care about things and people that you just don't? People you know wouldn't even notice if you weren't there, but you're supposed to be nice to them just because of some arbitrary reason - such as because they're related or because you've known them a long time or whatever? You're then made to feel like you're the bad person because you're 'being mean' when you're actually just stating a fact. I don't care about people who don't care about me. Why should I? Not only that, but I've never been truly close to anyone. I'm not sure I would know how to do that even if I wanted to.

I have spent a very long time with his mental state up and down. Much of it has been, I suppose, relatively normal. The everyday stresses of life, work, family, finances, and the attempts to juggle all that those things involve. At times, felt very down. There doesn’t always seem to be a reason (or something trivial that wouldn’t normally bother me), but I do have health issues that can affect my mood so I generally put it down to that. Most people only see the happy me. Sometimes the smile is real but inside never quite feels right.

These short episodes of feeling a bit down, I can manage. I live with a great friend, John, who gives me space and checks on me, but not before making sure that he hasn’t done anything wrong! My real problem is when it’s more than feeling a little under the weather, it’s when everything seems too much and I’m drowning. That’s when it becomes more than feeling down. It becomes depression, where I can’t do anything. Not necessarily that I don’t want to, it’s that I know I need to do things but don’t have the energy or inclination to do them. I’m sure readers who suffer from depression will understand that it’s more than a ‘can’t be bothered’ state. I manage to work, although there are days it’s a real struggle to get up, to function, and to do my job the best way I can. I understand that’s more than some can do on their worst days, of course. I'm just trying to paint you a little picture here.

This story begins, I suppose, with a whole load of things happening all at once. That’s not unusual in itself, and I have managed before. I don't want to go into too much detail here. Suffice to say there have been considerable additional pressures in various areas of my already hectic life. In the past, I’ve coped with an awful lot - most of which I have kept to myself.

For this next part, I need to introduce you to two people, Susannah and Lily. Let's call them friends. They're fairly non-descript. I don't mean that in any horrible way. I mean they don't have any distinguishing features and they don't really doing anything of note. The three of us grew up together. I'm not sure you'd say we were close. The closeness varied over time, but they've probably always been closer to each other than I have to either of them. That's been an ongoing theme of friendships for me over the years, but this particular group seems to have trouble grasping that all three could be friends at the same time. Anyway, I digress.

My story ends today. I felt awful as it was - no particular reason but I think everything was getting on top of me. I have been going through a particularly stressful time regarding work and finances, worrying that I couldn't even pay the rent. Then Lily asked me to cover her shift at work. It wasn't a lot, but it was the last straw. I was covering for her so that she could celebrate Susannah's new job with her. I was left out, not a single person considering how this would make me feel. While I agreed to cover the shift, it was what made me realise that a huge part of why I’m struggling is because I'm doing everyone else's work for them. Because I've got so little time to myself that any leisure time seems rushed and forced in.

When I say I felt awful, I actually felt suicidal. I could barely manage, but I did manage. I went to work, did my job, did other people's jobs, stayed late to cover Lily's shift, did all the other everyday things that need to be done. All for barely a thank you.

I’m trying to support a family, making sure my children grow up to have a life better than mine. I want them to have their desired careers. They’re working hard but I am getting into debt supporting them. I try to support my friends and family where I can. For a while, I stopped doing favours for friends because I realised they were using me and weren't there when I needed someone. It seems I've begun to fall back into that trap. I gave Susannah a gift to celebrate her new job. I didn't get so much as a 'thank you' from her. I don’t know why I would have expected it. Looking back, she has always been rude, selfish, and unappreciative. She's never liked me but I have done precisely nothing to make her feel that way. I've never really liked her, although I have done my best to be civil, but she has given me plenty of reasons. She hasn't really changed from the spoilt child that would blame anyone but herself for her problems, although she’d tell you a different story. I find it funny that I was considered the bad influence of the group while Susannah got away with lying and thievery. I'd say she was sneakier about it but, while she was certainly sneaky about some things, I'm quite sure certain people simply turned a blind eye to a lot of her scheming.

I seem to have gone off topic again. One thing that I haven't told anyone before is that I used to self-harm. I would cut and scratch myself. John found out and I promised him I’d stop. I have wanted to cut again, but I would not break a promise. There have been a few occasions when I’ve been suicidal. Today was one of them – perhaps one of the worst. It may seem silly as life is not too bad. Yes, there are plenty of stresses but my life is better than it’s been before in a lot of ways. I feel that, perhaps, I’ve had the best I’ll ever have and I’m back to struggling – I don’t know.

I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well. I think I’m jumping around a little so I apologise if this seems muddled. Today, I told my John I was in a bad mood. I didn’t tell him how bad. I didn’t tell him I was suicidal. I didn’t tell anyone – I never do. John is the only person I really talk to about my mental state. Mainly because nobody else cares but also because they'd make me feel worse. They'd make me believe I was wrong for feeling the way I do. They'll tell me they feel the same or they've got it so much worse for some reason. It's like when you tell an old person that you're feeling unwell and they can't help but tell you about all their ailments or tell you that you're too young to be suffering from whatever it is you're suffering from. Now I feel like I’m waffling. Let’s get back to the point.

I've been so stressed that it's made me physically sick (that's new). Today, I was truly contemplating suicide. Of course, I thought 'I can't do that when Susannah is celebrating something special'. Not because it would be unfair on her but because I’d be forever the bad person. It wouldn’t matter the reasons why I felt suicidal. It wouldn't matter that nobody had been there for me. It would only matter the selfishness of me spoiling her day. It would be all about Susannah and how terrible it was for her - never mind the feelings of anyone who actually cared about me. I worried that I’d be accused of being an attention-seeker, taking the spotlight away from Susannah, people saying things like 'everything's got to always be all about Jo'. The more I think about it, the more I realise how undeserving Susannah is of anything she has, the more I understand that she’s simply not a nice person. She's never done anything for herself. Even this new job was a 'who you know' scenario. I’ve also realised that Lily isn’t great either. While I have probably always known (even if I hadn't thought too much about it) that Susannah is a manipulative gas-lighting narcissist, it only recently occurred to me that Lily is actually quite similar. They both only bother with me when they want something. When Lily asks you to do something, you can’t just say "no". It has to be "no because..." and even then it has to be something she can't make you feel is less worthy than what she wants. I covered for Lily so she and Susannah could celebrate the new job, all because Lily was unprepared and had arranged a shift she had no intention of doing.

Susannah does nothing for anyone unless she’s told to or if it benefits her. Lily occasionally helps people out but not without having to plaster the fact all over social media and telling everyone how bust she is. She can't be that busy if she's got time to tell people how busy she is. Then there’s me. I try to keep my online posts positive, rarely share any of my bad stuff with anyone, don't speak to many people in real life very often at all. If I help someone, I do it to help them. But just because I don't brag about what I do, doesn't mean I don't do anything. There is very little that anyone else knows about me. They know the basics – they might know the job I do and how many children I have, but that’s about it. Not that I’m secretive or closed. I just don’t have any reason to tell people things. I apologise if some of this has come across as me being bitter and jealous. I assure you, that's not the case. I'm merely trying to explain the situation.

That’s the story of why I didn’t commit suicide. Because I would be letting down one person because of her own lack of forethought, and letting down another – well, not even letting her down but basically because I’d be the one in the wrong as usual. What I suppose I’m saying is thank you to the narcissists. Thank you to the people who consistently put me down or make me feel I'm not good enough. If it wasn’t for your selfishness, I might actually have attempted suicide this time. Thanks to al the people who allowed them to be that way. Thanks for using and abusing me, and thanks to everyone who let them. Because of you, I’m still here.