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Shattered past

by The Lioness about a year ago in humanity
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Is the fall the end or just time to reflect on the journey that got you to take the final step?

Falling internally though my past, I am in slow-motion, free as a bird although I know this emotional state will not last long. There is an essence of misdirected tranquillity to cherish as I begin elegantly twirling, whirling to my eternally, doomed destiny. As I reach terminal velocity my conscience begins to fade and with a final grimace of the world I unintentionally constructed, I begin to hallucinate…

Death in itself is a bizarre concept which provosts many questions: Is it per-orchestrated or spontaneous? What occurs after? Will you be remembered for something that matters? – However, the irony is that you will never know the answers whilst living and once dead there is no mercy. It truly is a one-way ticket, no reversal nor relented gilt concerning your blunders. In conjunction with this, you cannot plead innocence like in a court of justice and it is most definitely not bitter-sweet despite what you may believe. Your life literally becomes your eternity! You begin to b-serve everything you attempted to forget, everything you loved and cherished lost in an instance. All plagued by the mistakes you never intended to make.

Do you know what I have always wondered, why we never ponder the phrase; “Life flashers before your eyes, Indicating your demise.” Coursing us to be utterly oblivious, naive until our final days when we must pass away. Where does your wonder and inquisitiveness go? Seriously, I want to know! As a child your imagination run free, questioning everything to become who you want to be. They say; “Innocence is bliss” and to be honest that statement could not be truer. As now instead of coursing pandemonium and witnessing audits expressions drop when I inquire about what they cannot explain, I sat there wanting to alter the past hoping the future will not last…

Life did not start as anyone intended an ambulance crash coursed a delay and lack of oxygen began a bleed on my brain. I nearly died before I began, however my fate had been sealed meaning wheels became my wings and would inevitably become my anchor. I could remember my previously persona before I got older, a sea veteran lost in a storm redden ocean just drowning in sullen isolation with nowhere to be. Although I soon forgot this strangely formula finger and innocently, free I was me.

Then I started school and the first few years were fine although I got diagnosed with epilepsy which was “fun”. Imagine having no control just falling fast even though it fells slow, and then waking up in a haze, initially not even knowing your own name. However, this course did find me a friend in a girl named Behan who vowed to be there to the very end. We would work and play together with my sister and now I miss her. As the years continued, a new friend named Luke came to play, who traded a teddy panda (still resides on my bed) for my 'Nemo' phone which had a couple of particular phases. They were the good days which did not last long as I had to move to a new school by year 2.

There I meet someone the same, he had a feeding tube and wheels, but I still treat him the same. In fact, I learn 'Makaton' just to say more than “Hello.” However, by year 3 he moved on and I found a new friend who shared the same name. I went swimming every Monday which put me at peace. The thing What made in spectacular, was that I could walk - even if it was just for a while, it was truly liberating no one could stop me I was final free. By year 4 I had a reputation for being stubbornly determined. Although, my Teacher did not understand as she reticulated me for being who I am.

Just like that, in an instance it was year 5 which made to hide, my fried moved on which resulted in me, being a recluse. Also, just too made thing even worst we had no home, instead we lived in a caravan situated on my Grandmas yard. Mum thought out my childhood was unfortunately always working as a nurse and as for my first stepdad let just say he could not look after a flea let alone 3 children including me.

We eventually found a home although not so sweet, I moved school for year 6 and Paul left. My Mum started owning many businesses from a wedding business (which she gave up to start owning a cafe) to a pet boarding business full of exotic and cute animals even a monkey. Then she met John who was a peculiar charter to say the least. He acted more childish than a kid and when he did not get, he way it was best to just stay away. As for my final year of primary school it was great. I met who I considered at the time to be my true love and I had a best friend at I thought would last. What a Year! However, it did not last long.

When high school began that was that. As for the rest of my story, it is too difficult to say for that would cause me to reflect on my biggest mistakes. I just hope my memory will last and not just fade in to the past. I least I will finally be at internal peace and be able to discover some condolence in the fact that I will wake up free and incident again. Beginning a new legacy. Hopefully, I can fulfil this one to its bitter end…


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The Lioness

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