Self-Worth About Five Bucks
Local Man's Self-Worth Hits Record Low
Local man Ted Stephens reported today that his self-worth about five bucks. Five bucks marks the lowest level his self-worth has seen since former high school sweetheart and wife of ten years Janet (Thomkins) Stephen suddenly announced that she would be leaving him to move in with Ted's former best friend Tim Crutz by telling him "Tim can satisfy me in a way you never could Ted. Sorry." It also represents a stunning fall from the near record highs his self-worth had reached in recent years after Ted had found a new girlfriend and landed a high paying job as an accountant at a prestigious local law firm. In a prepared statement Mr. Stephens said "After Jan-Jan (Miss Thomkins) left me for that snake in the grass Tim Crutz I thought I would never recover. My self-worth less than a dollar back then. However, with the help of my true friends, my family, my counselor, and a lot of hard work I was able to pull my life out of the tailspin it was in. I found a beautiful new girlfriend Kathy, finished my college degree in accounting, and accepted a high paying position as junior accounts manager at local law firm Smith-Kline & Breatchem (SKB). At SKB I quickly climbed the ladder and soon found myself leading their accounting department with a staff of six junior accountants reporting directly to me. It took years, but before I knew it my self worth around ten thousand dollars and all was right with the world. Then, out of the blue disaster struck, and a downturn in the local economy forced SKB to enact a series of austerity measures including significant workforce downsizing. I hung on for three months but eventually was let go with only three months severance and almost zero savings to survive on. At that point my self-worth less than two thousand bucks in the blink of an eye. To make matters worse it turned out that Kathy was not the ideal mate I had believed her to be as I discovered she was secretly addicted to pain pills. After I lost my job her pill addiction spiraled into heroin and before I knew it she was selling her body at the local seven eleven to anyone who could get her a fix. It was at that point that my self-worth dropped to its current all time low of five bucks where it remains to this day." With that Ted broke down, began to weep hysterically, then slowly turned and walked away.
THE END.
And now, courtesy of Vocal.media's absurd 600 word count minimum publishing policy I bring to you another The Onion style news parody from deep in the everyday junglist vaults. Enjoy.
Despite Not Having Found a Mate, Local Man’s* Soul Fairly Well Satisfied with Life
Local man (not to be confused with ‘area man’, a licensed, copyrighted, and trademarked term of the The Onion and theonion.com) Eric Feeter’s soul was said to be fairly well satisfied with how things were going in general despite 30+ years of not having found a mate. Even though many souls are said to require a mate to achieve happiness Eris’s reportedly made peace with it’s own situation many years ago. Instead of finding joy and life satisfaction through a mate, Eric’s soul has obtained a similar level of fulfillment through a passion for collecting comic books and paraphernalia related to the 1980s television series CHiPS featuring Erik Estrada as officer Frank Pancherello.
*Note that I said local man, not area man. Note that good The Onion and theonion.com lawyers, note it real good, and please do not sue me. Please.
About the Creator
Everyday Junglist
Practicing mage of the natural sciences (Ph.D. micro/mol bio), Thought middle manager, Everyday Junglist, Boulderer, Cat lover, No tie shoelace user, Humorist, Argan oil aficionado. Occasional LinkedIn & Facebook user
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