Say AHHHHHHH

For sometime I've been putting off going to the dentist. One reason is because I've moved and didn't care to go to my previous dentist, though that was around three years ago...maybe more.

I know, I should be going twice a year, but I've never had that kind of money to spare, despite oral health being extremely important. I don't have the strongest teeth genetics (I do have great hair thanks to my parents) and my ups and downs with my own mental health has had an impact on taking care of my teeth.

Years ago I had to have some fillings on my front teeth, now unfortunately I need them doing again. No one likes the dentist, and there is a high stress attached to going, I always feel judged, even though the dentist is nine times out of ten lovely and it's never as bad as I think it is.

Teeth have always bothered me, I've never really liked mine and now with everyone on every social platform having the whitest teeth known to man I feel even more of a let down in the mouth department (I'm sure I could put some dirty joke here). My teeth are pretty straight and despite a few smalls fillings I need there isn't really anything wrong with them...oh but I do have a wonky jaw. A number of years ago I went to the most wonderful dentist and he did x-rays to show me my jaw and I was offered corrective surgery. Now it's not really noticeable, unless you study my face for sometime or I bring it up into conversation, my friends always come out with Oh I never noticed that before. Well now it's all you're going to see, at least it's all I can see some days.

I was offered the surgery but declined, why? It doesn't bother me as much as my teeth, and I told myself unless it causes me pain I will leave it. Now my mum has an underbite, as does my oldest brother, mum was offered and also declined, however my brother had the surgery. Was it worth it? absolutely, really changed his face and gave him confidence. He did have a head the size of a melon for a few weeks, and lost some sensation around his mouth I believe but over all he was happy he did it.

Back to my recent dental appointment in the midst of a global pandemic. Honestly didn't feel that different, everything was very clean and sterile which is what you would expect. My dentist was extremely kind, examined all my toothy pegs, did x-rays and told me I had two baby teeth still (every dentist discovers this, they're mine, leave the babies alone). She showed my up close photos of my front teeth and I felt, embarrassed. It wasn't awful but I knew it was going to cost quite a bit of money I don't have and because they are my front teeth I got to get them sorted because, well, everyone can see them. Like I said they are not awful, it's a small dot of decay on one side of a tooth and the filling of another to be redone. Not the end of the teeth world, I thank her, said I would arrange for the next appointment, paid, got in my car and cried.

I cried all the way home. Part relief part shame. I told my mum, husband, best friend and they probably think I've become rather precious. For some reason or another seeing the dentist made me break down into a real sob fest. One of those crying sessions that leave you feeling a bit hungover.

I'm glad to say I've got over it, my husband said he will help fund my dental plan and the world will keep spinning.

Meanwhile we are back in a national lockdown (as if you didn't know). I'm still able to work and also been put on a flexible furlough if work hours drop, so I don't feel too worried. I have noticed my mood has been more up and down, linked to obvious goings on and the continuous unknown. Both my husband and I were made redundant last year because of Covid and we managed to get ourselves jobs again, only now clawing our way out the black hole of debt. It's going to be quite the climb but we keep on keeping on.

I've been making a conscious effort to read more, currently reading Where nightmares comes from, a collection of interviews with authors of horror and thrillers. When I'm feeling down or anxious I find that reading takes my mind away for a bit to calm down, even if it is horror or true crime documentaries. I guess anything to escape into for an hour.

Now imagine the post I'm going to do when I get my teeth sorted!