It starts with a breakdown.

This starts at the point were I referred myself for a mental health assessment in September.

The start of this year was promising, probably said by everyone at this point but we are living through history.

The first hit too my mental armour was a miscarriage 6 days before my first scan was due. It was painful, physically and emotionally, I had started bleeding on the Tuesday, went to A and E and was booked in to have a scan Thursday. I was luckily off work and went to watch Sonic the Hedgehog in cinema with my husband. Its weird to think that was the last film we saw in a cinema. By the end of the film I was doubled over in pain, got home and could barely move. I had lost a baby and I didn't realise how much I wanted that baby.

Just under a month later we moved to our new flat, so exciting, a little sad too. The flat I had spent 7 years in was a studio flat, so no separate room, good thing my husband and I get on so well. I had lived alone for a few years before moving in my now husband. Lucky for us we got a brand new flat in a brand new housing development.

Then lockdown. I was working as a Housekeeping Manager at a hotel at this point and was immediately impacted. I was furloughed and then made redundant in July. I got myself a Housekeeping manager job in a care home (I had worked previously for a care company and thought combining the 2 industries was perfect). The week I was due to start my nan died.

She had broken her hip and combined with severe dementia she wasn't going to pull through. I will talk more about my nan in a later story, she deserves many many stories.

This was the beginning of the end for my mental state it felt. I tried the new job, lasted a few days and came to the harsh conclusion I could not do this, and did not want to do this. I felt awful, many people have lost jobs and struggling to find work and here I am giving up on a really good opportunity. But there was no point in fighting it, I knew I didn't want it, my mind needed me to focus, well on me really.

Days became long sluggish struggles, morning to night. I wanted to do nothing but sleep. And then intrusive thoughts came, that's when my mum gave me a leaflet to contact so I could have an assessment and get some form of help or support. And I did.

I've opted for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) to give some immediately help and ways to learn how to break out of vicious thought cycles which have been going on really since I was in school (again save that got another story).

My therapist has asked me to factor in a regular hobby I enjoy, can you guess what that is (writing...about my little life). So that's what I'll do, I want to share my journey with CBT, rebuilding some mental stability and maybe for once doing what I truly enjoy.

I am working at a services hotel now, which suits my needs just fine. It's introduced me some characters who are oddballs but most importantly kind and gentle. I figured that's what I need some more of right now, maybe what we couldd all do with more of, kindness and gentleness.

As a first post it's a bit of a ramble, but a short overview of the storm this year has been, I'm sure you can relate in your own way.

Thanks for reading, it means a great deal. I'm hopeful now, something I've not felt for months, and that's got to be worth writing for, right?