Retrospect of a Survivor

How could He do this to me? I gave Him everything, anything He desired, and He turned my world upside down and inside out before I could even tell what was happening. He abused me, lied to me, cheated on me. Looking back, it’s all so clear, but when you are looking at a person through rose-tinted glasses, you don’t notice the red flags.

I’ll introduce myself. My name is Leo. I was a teen when this all started, maybe 12 or 13, I honestly don’t remember. I met Him in school by complete coincidence. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and He came up to me. He was charming, tall, handsome, everything a gay teen looks for in a guy. We had so much in common. His dad had left at a young age and I was in the process of escaping mine. We both had a love for video games. We had similar political views (I honestly thought I was so unique for agreeing with Communism. That phase has since passed). He was damaged, and so was I, and we bonded over that.

He comforted me when my grandad passed, held me when I thought I couldn’t go on anymore. He was my rock, and He made me depend on Him. We eventually decided to start a relationship with each other. I was so happy; I had been gunning for Him for a while, so when He asked me out, I was above ecstatic. I thought it was too good to be true, and I soon learned that it was.

He had some strange habits. I thought it was normal for a relationship. He would guilt trip me for being unwell and unable to come into school. When I would tell him that I’m sad or hurt, He would respond with some story about how it couldn’t possibly be as bad as whatever He was experiencing or would outright disregard me. He was unhygienic; He didn’t wash properly, never cut his hair or brushed his teeth. I hated it about Him, but I loved Him, so it was okay.

He had a lot of female friends that he was very close with. He would give them far more physical affection than He ever gave me, and I brushed it off. 2 years into our relationship, I got Him to admit that He had been cheating on me with multiple people, even my friends who were closest to me. I immediately forgave Him, despite having a strong personal moral against cheating. I did it because he made me think that I wouldn’t be able to live without him, that even without food or water or even air, if I had Him, I could survive.

Sexually, our relationship was very one-sided. He always wanted sex or something akin to it. I didn’t want to, but it made Him happy, so I complied with every little thing He desired. I was only 14, and I wasn’t ready for that kind of relationship, but it was what He desired. He made me feel wanted, loved, needed. And if He was happy, I was happy.

The abuse was where I really should have seen what was wrong. First off it was only emotional and psychological abuse. He would make me spend my money on what He desired and never let me keep my money, yell at me for the slightest inconvenience I caused, mock me, gaslight, use gifts and nice gestures to manipulate me. He tore down every little victory I had. He would make me feel bad for my success because He wasn’t as adept in whatever subject it was. I fell out of contact with friends because I wasn’t allowed to see them. I lost my passion for things and feared a life without Him.

Then things got physical. If I annoyed him, I was slapped. I embarrass Him by existing, that deserves a punch in the knee. Refusing sex? That's a knee to the stomach and He’d make me do it anyway. I wouldn’t dare fight back. I’m short and a little pudgy. I have about as many muscles as pigs have wings. He was tall and far stronger than I. I was scared He would hurt me more if I fought back. His beatings were calculated; He made sure that no one would see what He’d done to me and forced me to lie if anyone noticed. No one knew this was going on and I was always screaming inside for help, but He convinced me I loved Him. I was trapped.

This went on for 3 years until I finally decided that I had to get rid of Him. I had started to realize that this was wrong. The illusion was breaking. He was not impressed. He loved me. He needed me. He would do something stupid if I left Him, but that couldn’t hurt me anymore. He had no power over me.

It’s been a while since I left Him. I have a new boyfriend who loves and values me. I’m still fixing my confidence and picking up the pieces, but I will get there. I am free from Him and no one can take that away from me.