Project I.C.U.

I hate bipolar. It’s awesome!

Sometimes I wonder if I’m truly bipolar or if I’m just an extremely sensitive person. I lean towards believing the diagnoses since my bipolar meds seem to really help stabilize my moods. Either way having this mental abnormality can be both a blessing and a curse, because I experience the highest highs along with the lowest lows.

However, my decision making abilities suffer when I’m experiencing either a manic episode or a depressive episode. This brings me to the point of this story. I was so excited about this I.C.U. project when I first started out. I felt it was a truly inspired idea. However, my excitement was quickly dampened by the wet blankets others were throwing on it every time I talked about it. I was hearing comments like, “You can’t help a homeless person by just talking to them,” “You’re putting yourself at risk because these people are unstable,” and “You need credentials to talk to the homeless”.

These comments were given to me out of love and concern for my wellbeing; regardless of how much truth they held. My manic mind wouldn’t receive any of them as even the slightest bit true. But, my loved ones knew that I was in a challenging place with my bipolar and they felt I was putting myself in harms way.

Then there’s the email reply I got from Colorado Coalition for the Homeless:

Hi Rebecca, thank you for reaching out. I am currently not taking any more projects at the moment as I leave for a 2.5 week long vacation next Friday, and as my colleague prepares to goes on maternity leave. Our first and foremost priority is to maintain the privacy of our residents/patients/clients, and there are some issues with HIPAA compliance as well as the issue of trauma our clients are currently in the midst of experiencing, so I'm unsure if this is something we can embark on with you at this time but could discuss with you further upon my return in late October.

Sincerely,

‘Name left out intentionally’

My balloon was officially popped!

Enter manic inspired decision #1:

I started to think that if everyone wanted to invalidate my inspired calling, I needed to just do this on my own. So, around 10 AM on a very hot September day I set out on what ended up being an eight hour walk towards Denver’s 16th Street Mall where the homeless population is high. ’I don’t need anyone or anything but my two feet and my calling’, I decided.

It turned out that some sun block, use of Google Maps, and a car or at least a bus ride would have been pretty helpful too! I did have my phone though, and I stayed in contact with family until I got home 20 minutes past sunset, having taken a long and kind of pointless walk, as I never did make it to 16th Street Mall!

Enter manic inspired decision #2:

The next morning my mom tried unsuccessfully to talk to me about my long walk. She was rightly worried about me. However, being the stubborn soul that I am, I really didn’t give her much explanation. I spent the day feeling resentful that my family was so unsupportive of my I.C.U. project. Then, the following morning I made a decision that will likely haunt me and mine for a long, long time.

I took another really long walk. But this time I sent a farewell text to all my family letting them know that I needed to leave everything behind so I could truly follow my life’s calling. Then, I set out on another walk, this time going in the direction of our stunning Colorado mountains intending to do nothing but listen to the inspiration that was spurring me forward.

I ended up coming to my senses but not before my terrified family went looking for me all over downtown Denver and posted that I was missing on Facebook, along with other desperate attempts to find their well meaning but super manic loved one. After nightfall, I walked to my kids house feeling mortified and so ashamed! Then, I spent the next month recovering from the slew of consequences that followed.

So... for now, as I continue to put the pieces of my life back together, I’m putting project I.C.U. aside.

I’ll reconsider the idea once my head is in a more stable place.

Thank you for reading! I love you all!