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Suddenly Single (Pt. 3)

Part 3

By Becca WillsonPublished 4 years ago 3 min read
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I’m a survivor

I guess it’s true what they say that things often have to get worse before they get better. That’s probably because we tend to make things worse before we’re ready to make them better. I know, for me, it’s easier to wallow in self-pity and just wish things were different and then blame others for my situation than it is to do the work needed to push on toward a brighter tomorrow.

The following is the story of my latest bipolar debacle. It’s a prime example of how I made things way worse than they had to be:

It was a mid September morning. The weather was perfect. I was in a full blown manic episode. The tough thing about manic episodes is that while you’re in one, it’s very difficult to recognize. I thought I was just feeling super inspired and very spiritual. And I was, but my feelings were heightened to the Max!

Anyway, I got it in my mind that I needed to walk away and physically leave everything behind. I wanted to completely trust God to meet all my needs, as I needed them.

I sent a text to my family bidding them farewell for now, but assuring them I wasn’t suicidal and that I’d most likely see them again, but that I needed to leave everything behind. Then, I laid my phone on my bed and walked up to the main floor of my family’s townhome. I snuggled up my toy poodle, Xena, kissed her on the head, set her down on the couch and said goodbye. Then, I walked out of the house taking nothing with me.

I’m sure this seems horrifying, or at least loony as all get out. But I didn’t feel crazy. I felt an enormous freedom wash over me, coupled with sadness over needing to leave my family and knowing they would be so hurt with me because they wouldn’t be able to understand. But, I knew with all certainty that I was doing what I needed to do.

That was at 9:30 in the morning. I didn’t even know where I was going. I just started walking and continued walking wherever the spirit moved me. It was a hot sunny day and so I stopped often to sit under a tree and just hang out enjoying my surroundings.

This is pretty tough to write because I feel so much regret and shame from doing this to my family. I’m sharing this because I hope it will help someone else know they’re not alone in making mistakes that hurt others and that they can pull themselves out of the holes they’ve dug by trying to escape pain and find easy ways out of their difficulties.

So, I spent the entire day just walking from one neighborhood park to the next. The reasonable part of my brain kept nagging me to go back home, but I felt like there was no turning back. I was committed. Finally, about an hour after sunset, I sat under a tree, overcome with grief because of what I’d done. I wept for a good while and then decided to walk home. My kids house was closest so I spent the next two hours walking to their house. I was exhausted and feeling like the prodigal son.

My family had spent the entire day trying to find me, and since then they’re all very nervous about my mental state. I can’t blame them, of course. I feel ashamed, exposed, and just plain stupid. And now, after the fact, I do feel crazy. But none of these feelings are helpful.

So, I’ve started a pre DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) class, I’m in therapy regularly and my psychiatrist is monitoring my medication carefully. I’m, also, learning to check the facts when I’m feeling overly inspired so I don’t do something else to make my and my family’s life even harder.

I hope this helped someone! I love you all and I always want to remind you that you are not alone!

bipolar
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About the Creator

Becca Willson

I am a writer and mindfulness meditation teacher trying to forge a new path in life as I learn to love, grow and share all I know along the way!

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