Pitch Black

Even though I was surrounded by people, I was still alone in the world. It’s a strange feeling to be in a crowd, a jostling society, mingling with other humans and still feel disconnected. I sense an underlying fear that tugs at us all. Pulling our ankle, our sock our leg, nagging us for attention. I see fear as a little demonoid child who is feeling neglected and wishes for validation. Giving fear the validation and attention it needs allows it to be calmed, recognised, reassured, comforted, and validated. Just like in co-dependant and unbalanced relationship dynamics you must communicate with your fear before it becomes a bigger problem. It’s also known as shadow work. Dr Carl Gustav Jung speaks of the collective unconscious as our individual fears and elements of ourselves; personalities and characters etc, which we have suppressed, denied and shunned. These are parts of us that exist whether we like it or not. We all have parts of ourselves that we don’t like, whether they are tortured memories which we want to forget, or trauma’s that have broken us and altered our reality, making us who we are today. Collectively suppressed we make a union of communal shadows, manifesting in anxiety, depression, paranoia, illness and unease. I feel as though we are in a time of hiding. Hibernating and fatigue. There’s an electricity that runs on a low frequency within society, signalling that another lockdown is not welcome. Perhaps I am more anxious than I thought I was. Now having seen others and felt their energy wondering town I see fear is under the surface for most people, simmering. An anxiety of isolation and control. The uncertainty of our future is a weight looming, oppressive, grey and muggy. The crisp clear blue skies, the clouds dramatically half shadowed, and half brilliantly highlighted from the radiant low hanging sun. These are the days that bring light, smiles, and optimism to the air, even when it rains. We do what we have to do. I bought what I needed today before the “non essential” shops shut tomorrow. I’m sure that Preserve would be classified as an “essential shop”, that way I can still get my vanoffee cashews ;) #yum. Wandering town my energy and concentration levels were low so I got my essentials and only made a few detours before home. 1. Charity shop, looking for winter boots, and a fur coat, preferably leopard print. 2. MacDonalds, where I got a takeaway double cheeseburger, large fries and a chocolate milkshake. #noregrets. Perhaps I was comfort and panic eating. 3. Simply Pleasure to see Gem and get Kat’s current number. On the bus home were two young school girls sat at the front of the bus talking enthusiastically with one another. One of them was talking about the darkest day of the year, saying that “soon it will be dark by 3:30pm.” “Really?!” says the other with exclamation. “Yeah like pitch black!” she replies. “Not pitch black surely, aren’t there lights?” “No! Pitch black everywhere!” They were the only ones talking on the top floor of the double decker. It was as if everyone was silently witnessing their innocent conversation bubble. I felt like a member of audience for a reality TV show. One of the girls gets off and they say bye. Now silence. The girl remaining gets off at the stop before mine. She’s strawberry blonde long hair down to her back, she’s very small, perhaps 4ft”something, Caucasian with a bountiful meadow of freckles across her cheeks, she’s in a school uniform, trousers, blazer, and a gigantic rucksack, it's square and half her size. She holds onto the bus rail waiting for the vehicle to stop. Then off she bounces into the world. I watch the leaves fall from the tree as we pull away to our next destination on route.