One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I began experiencing Social Anxiety at an early age; to be honest, as far back as I can remember. It started in elementary school as what I thought was just "stage fright." I was terrified to be called on in class. I was terrified to "popcorn read" paragraphs alongside my peers. I was never the social butterfly type. My Social Anxiety progressed as the middle school years crept in. Dating, puberty, parties... the horror. I completely avoided dating—it wasn't in my interests. I joined the school choir to put myself out there. I remember the first day. The teacher lined us all up by height and directed up on to the risers. She made me sing in front of everyone by myself to fit me into the appropriate section. I was shaking in my brown desk afterwards, completely red in the face. I can't believe I just did that. The tiny girl with brown hair and brown eyes tapped my shoulder and said, "You did great, don't be so nervous!"

Nervous—that's what my mother called it. Oh how that bothered me. It was more than nervous, it was uncontrollable. I just didn't understand, nor did she. It wasn't until halfway through high school when I first heard the term "anxiety." That term was used by a dear friend of mine. She battled depression as well as anxiety. She was heavily medicated throughout her teen years, and I knew one thing—I did not want that. But she had only mentioned "anxiety" and overthinking. She was extremely outgoing, she loved to be around people. I related, but I still felt as if something more was wrong. What was wrong with me? Why could I barely choke the words out? and if I did, why must I stutter? How embarrassing. After graduation, it started to come together. I self diagnosed myself with Social Anxiety.

I've spoken to my doctors about it in the past, but I've always refused medication. Why would I just sedate myself to "fix a problem?" That's not fixing anything, that is covering it up under doses of Diazepam. Over time more little things came to surface. Talking on the phone, even with family, is really hard still to this day. Ordering food at the counter, buying my groceries, you name it. Every day is a challenge. But I'm learning about my Social Anxiety Disorder day by day. How to challenge it for the better, and how to avoid triggers. It wasn't until I met someone very dear to me that struggles with the same problems when I started to accept myself and how my mother would call it, my "nervousness." It helped me to find someone that relates to my problems. They understand, they don't scrutinize me for my weird little tendencies because they've been through it too. As a young adult still learning about my disorder, I experience ups and downs. Triumphs and treacheries. But the more I learn to accept myself, the more I learn to live with my "nervousness."