Navigating Trauma

One thing I learned early on is everyone has different forms of trauma. I want to share some background before I dive into the healing process. I grew up in a poor household that held a lot of neglect and abuse for me and my 5 siblings. Looking back, I describe my childhood as a whole different life than the one I am living now. On top of neglect and abuse, we also spent long periods of time in the Foster Care System. If anyone has lived part or all of their life in Foster Care, you know that there is abuse and neglect that can be worse than the environment that you were taken out of. In our situation, we were taken because or mother chose to continue using drugs over working to get her children back. Her choices led to all of us getting split up and living separately. I was adopted at 11 years old and spent the next 9 years as an only child. I never had the chance to process my past in a healthy manner and as a child, that caused me to struggle a lot. I didn't allow people to get close to me, I felt that I had to do everything on my own and I did not allow myself to get close to people. Once I felt safe and happy I would cause problems to separate myself from those feelings, which resulted in hurting myself and/or those around me.

For a long time I thought I was broken. I didn't want to push people away but I had no idea how to stop doing it. Like I said, I was adopted at 11 years old. I lived with my parents for a year before they chose to adopt me. They loved me and did everything they could to help me, but I just kept pushing back and became more angry. I went back into the custody of the state around Christmas of 2014. I had been admitted into a psychiatric hospital, which was common for me as it is with children in foster care. I had daily call with my parents and I continued to work toward my treatment. The whole process was a normal thing for me since I had been through it multiple times. Each time I ended with going back home. This time was different. Christmas Eve I was supposed to have a phone call with my parents. I was walking to the room where I usually made the phone call with my case worker. When I sat down the case worker said their would not be a phone call today. I didn't understand what was going on. My caseworker explained that my parents no longer wanted me and they would not be picking me up. I was shocked. I knew I had been difficult but deep down I never believed my parents would leave. Now I didn't know what to believe. The anxiety set in as I realized I was actually alone now. I had no desire to live and I felt I no longer had anything to live for. I remained in foster care for two years. I went through seven foster homes before I was placed in kinship with my aunt. I spent those two years telling myself I would never go back home and finding a way to live with that. Then suddenly my parents decided to fight back and try to get me back home. Once again I was confused and didn't know what I wanted. I had spent two years telling myself I had to move on and now I have the chance to go back home. We took the steps we needed and I moved back my Junior year. I graduated that year and moved out after turning 17. My parents and I no longer had the close relationship we used to. It took a couple years for my mom and I to build our relationship again, but me and my dad never formed a relationship after everything that happened. For a while I was hurt that my father blamed me but I had to come to terms with that and the fact that I will never have a father/daughter relationship. I am now 20, married and I have a 5 month old son. I am happy and working towards recovering from my past. I am doing well, especially with a supportive husband who wants to understand my past and to help me heal from it. I want to pass that generosity on and help others who have had similar situations. No matter what took place, trauma is trauma and it impacts everyone differently. I am here to tell you that you CAN be happy. Trauma can have an impact on many aspects of our life but it does not control our future. As we grow older we can look back with a different perspective and understanding. That new perspective is what is going to help you heal and work through everything so you can be happy and hopeful for your future.