My panic attack

Thump thump thump

Is that a drum?

Oh no, It takes me a second to realise that’s my heart beating. Half of me is glad that it is still beating, the other half wonders if other people can hear it? Can others sense my fear? Are they waiting for this moment of weakness to strike?

I can’t hear anything else, just my heart and the voices screaming in my brain.

My pupils narrow. With the exception of a small circle of light, most things are black. My peripheral vision is gone and so is most of the world around me.

My back finds the wall. It’s a small bit of stability and I’m going to cling to it. As my hands feel the cool brick, my mind fights with itself.

“There is a wall there, so I can’t be spinning around”.

It’s a battle of the rational and irrational.

My lungs feel like they are full of water. I open my mouth but no air can get in. With each breath out I feel my oxygen levels falling.

I use the wall to lower myself. I find the ground, if I pass out I won’t have as far to fall.

It’s so hot. I can feel the sweat on my forehead. As the cold air moves over my skin it makes me realise how much I am overheating.

Panic, fear, confusion. I don’t know where to go, or how I’ll get back up from the ground. Will I pass out?

I need a pleasant memory to cling to. Something that will give me hope. Something that will bring me back.

There is something touching my hand. I can hear a voice.

“It’s ok. You can breath. You are going to be alright.”

She found me. This isn’t the first time she has found me like this.

Her voice and her touch is bringing me back. The light is returning.

I get that deep breath in and I know that I’m going to live another day.