My Narcissistic Mother Taught Me To Love
It’s crazy to think someone so full of hate could teach love, but she did!
I know this is an idea many will think is absurd, but my narcissistic mother taught me to love, despite her hatred for everyone in her life. Growing up, all I wanted was for her to love me, but it never happened. I tried everything to get her to love me for 44 years. Then one day, I decided it would never happen, so I blocked her out of my life.
When I was 2, CPS removed me from her home. I had cigarette burns all over my body. My belly swelled from a lack of food. My mouth was full of cavities because the only thing she gave me was sugar filled Kool-Aid in a baby bottle. My grandma, my hero and savior, drove 750 miles to pick me up and raise me as her daughter.
My Mother Taught Me To Love
I struggled with anger as a kid. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to be a parent to me. At one point, I blamed myself. Maybe I asked for too much or I misbehaved. But none of those are true. The bottom line is she just wasn’t meant to be a mother.
As I grew to a teenager, I realized she didn’t love me. And instead of it turning my heart cold, it had the opposite effect. I realized she was the perfect model of what not to do in life. If I was to do that, I had to embrace life with love instead of hate. I had to stay away from drugs and abusive men and women. I had to do better so my life wouldn’t turn out like hers.
It wasn’t easy, and many times I wanted to hate my life. I wanted to give up, but I was not the type that quits anything, so I kept going.
Social media can be a tool for a narcissistic family member to keep tabs on you.
My Mother Taught Me To Keep My Life Private
For years, I would share too much of my life with social media and my family. I didn’t think I had anything to hide, so why not share. But she used everything I said against me, so I learned quickly to guard my peace by being much more private.
Last year, I went to visit her in Tennessee. We had a pretty pleasant visit, and I thought we were in a good place. I let her borrow my car while there and she crashed it. It caused $2,000 worth of damage. She was actually mad at me for getting upset about it. She said I should be more concerned with how she was feeling. I asked her if she was okay, which she was.
When I asked for part of the money for the repair, she asked me to give her back the computer she bought me as a gift, then she’d give me $400. It just didn’t sit right with me. I don’t care about the gift, she could have it, but to put conditions on whether she would pay for damages to my car was upsetting.
Everything is always about her. When I asked her to, at the very least, apologize to me for abusing me as a child — she refused. She stormed out of the room, claiming she’s paid enough for her past and refuses to do it anymore. But she hadn’t paid for it. I did.
I wear that pain daily. To this day, I get extremely nervous when someone is mad at me. I worry they will leave me or they don’t love me anymore. And that is her fault. She didn’t have to hurt me, but she chose to emotionally and physically abuse me.
Sometimes Love Means Blocking Toxic People Out
When I got home from her house, I told my husband I never wanted to speak to my mother. It was something he wanted to hear because she never liked him. She wanted me to leave him, pay her bills, and be her caretaker. I couldn’t do that for someone who never wanted to spend time with me until she was near her deathbed.
I decided when she called, I would let her know my plan and say goodbye. I did just that. I let her know all the ways she has hurt me over the years. When she tried to interrupt me, I told her I was talking, so please let me finish. She was speechless. She couldn’t figure out how to come out innocent in it and she ended up hanging up on me without saying goodbye.
I promptly blocked her on social media and my phone. I never looked back. When I reflect on my relationship with her, I realize because she was such a mess; it gave me a roadmap of what to avoid to live a better life. I knew I didn’t want to end up alone in my late 60s and not have any family in my corner anymore.
She taught me to love because I never wanted to be like her. And thankfully, I am just like my grandma and my dad. I am sure she still wants me to contact her so she could continue her manipulation, but I closed that door. The thing about me is once I decide I am done with a situation, I do not change my mind.
I am happy with who I am. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for her abuse, so she got that credit. However, I don’t think there’s any honor in abusing a child, and forcing them to want to be the complete opposite of you to have a good life.
After 45 years, I finally feel indifferent about her. I wouldn’t say I don’t care, but I do not need to talk to her. It’s really a sad situation because I would have loved having a mother-daughter relationship.
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Originally published on Medium.
About the Creator
Chrissie Marie Massey
Chrissie has spent the last 20 years writing online for several major news outlets. When not writing, you’ll find her watching a Lifetime movie, wearing her favorite PJs with a frozen soda in hand.
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By angelababy2 days ago in Psyche
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