My Mother, My Murderer?

Yes, you read that correctly.. My mom was trying to kill me when I was a kid. The only reason I found out is because of some information I learned from a TikTok video. In the video, a young woman was in the hospital because she had mixed urine and bleach in an attempt to make a home pregnancy test, based on a suggestion from someone else. Next, a person responded to this video with an explanation as to why this is a bad idea. The person explained that mixing bleach and ammonia/urine, creates a chemical called "chlorine gas". This gas is very dangerous, as it can cause severe irritation and harm to the upper respiratory system, burn skin on contact, sting and burn eyes. The exposure, if severe enough can be fatal. Common symptoms of exposure to chlorine gas include, flu-like symptoms coughing, wheezing, vomiting, nausea, dizziness. Exposure can lead to bronchitis or pneumonia. 

I'm sure by now, you're wondering how I could possibly take all of that and come to the conclusion that my mom was trying to kill me. I'll explain..

My mom was an LVN, a Licensed Vocational Nurse. She was an educated woman, she had studied criminal psychology at the University of Arizona. She was not a dumb person, and she worked in the medical field for years. So, when I explain my theory, I want you to keep in mind that she was an intelligent, educated woman.

When I was little, around five or six years old, is the first time that I can recall my mom doing this. It wasn't every single time, but it was very often, at least a few times a week. My mom would pour bleach into the toilet in my bathroom before I would use it. I don't mean a small splash of bleach to "keep it clean," I mean at least an entire cup of bleach into a small amount of water at the bottom of the bowl. There would be more bleach than water at that point. All I could smell when I walked in was bleach.

The first few times I had used the bathroom after that, I would cough, gag, my eyes would burn and sting. I felt like I would pass out. I told my mom about it and she would tell me I was fine, or that I was making it up. It would happen regularly, I would go to the restroom and then feel like I was dying afterwards. There were times that I would literally throw up afterwards. 

I kept begging my mom to please stop putting the bleach in my toilet because I thought I was having an allergic reaction to it. If she caught me flushing the toilet before I would use it, she would come in and pour more. Every time I cried she would just say that I was being dramatic. I can still smell it, even now, it's ingrained in my memory. That horrible, noxious, deadly smell. Like the worlds strongest smelling swimming pool inside my little bathroom. She never listened to me, always claimed that I was seeking attention. No matter how bad it got, the coughing, gagging, crying, I was acting out for attention…

This would continue for years, thinking I was just allergic to bleach. All throughout my childhood I experienced multiple cases of pneumonia, bronchitis, upper respiratory infections, ear infections, and later diagnosed with asthma. Even though no one in my family had any kind of breathing troubles, no history of asthma in my family at all. No one else in my family was getting sick. Just me. I noticed over the years that she had never put bleach in hers or my brothers bathrooms. Never smelled it in their bathrooms ever. Just mine. 

Now that I am an adult, I don't use bleach that often, but when I have used it, I don't have any reaction to it physically, just a mental/emotional reaction to the smell. It scares me now. I don't use it in my toilet, but I still fear it hurting me, even though it never does. 

With all of this swirling in my head, all of the memories flooding back from the years of struggling to be heard by my family. Now, I just don't care. If they were to find this, and get mad at my speaking out, speaking my truth, then so be it. I genuinely believe my mom was trying to kill me and make it look like an accidental poisoning. 

I'm not entirely sure what her motive would have been, though I do know that she was never really happy around me. I always seemed to irritate or piss her off regularly. We were always broke and my mom had to work multiple jobs just to keep us afloat. The idea that we were struggling obviously never occurred to me, since I was just a kid. Possibly, she was just tired of the extra mouth to feed. 

I was the product of an affair my mom had with a neighbor that she had known since high school. My mom once told me that she had been in love with him back then, but nothing ever came of it. She told me when I was older that he wanted nothing to do with us, and it always seemed to leave a bitter taste in her mouth. Possibly, she was mad that I wasn't enough to keep my dad for her. It's possible that when she had me, she was hoping that I would be a good enough reason for my dad to leave the woman he was with, for my mom.

Maybe she just didn't want a daughter, but eighteen years after I was born, she had another daughter. That one she actually wanted. Never tried to off that one. I'm not sure why I was the one chosen for sacrifice, but it certainly didn't do me any favors in my life. Ever since, I've been diagnosed with breathing issues, mental and emotion health issues, relationship issues. All stemming from the things I had to endure during my childhood. There is so much more than just the bleach issue. 

How does one cope with the idea that their mom might have been trying to take their life when they were a child? Just the idea alone is enough to send me into a spiraling depression.