My CPAP Machine Was Recalled

Have you seen The Good Place? Hypatia of Alexandria points to the 5 on her shirt. “Is this an S? Or a math?” Centuries of unencumbered bliss in Heaven have rendered her and her companions intellectual zombies.

I was resting in peace myself until a couple of weeks ago. This email fluttered into my inbox.

My CPAP machine has been recalled. The email reads that the manufacturer “recommends you discontinue using the device or consult your doctor to determine if the benefit of continue therapy with your device outweighs the risks identified in the recall notification.”

Here’s what that means.

I like oxygen. It’s my favourite gas. And my brain is my favourite organ. When oxygen and my brain get together — oh, the stories I could tell you.

However, when I sleep, these two buddies — oxygen and brain — sometimes wander off in separate directions. Falling asleep on my back means waking up a few minutes later, coughing and gasping.

So I have a pricey machine to maintain a Continuous Positive Airway Passage — CPAP. It keeps oxygen and brain together during sleep.

That’s handy for doing mathematics. You need to remember things like when to carry the 2. And the difference between an S and a 5.

As recommended, “I have discontinued using the device.” It’s been eleven days. Right now, I’m not even sure if I could carry a 2 if I had a forklift.

There’s more.

I tried to contact my doctor, as “recommended.” Here’s how that went.

I had been diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea after two nights at the MedSleep clinic. They had wired me up like a VCR (remember those?), showed me my room, and told me have a good night’s sleep. Checkout time at 6 a.m.

Afterward, the MedSleep physician had provided me a prescription for a CPAP machine. SnoreMD had provided the hardware, monitoring and follow-up. Brain and oxygen could do their thing together.

After the recall notice, I was tried to to contact MedSleep by telephone. No success. I dropped by. The clinician advised me (through a locked glass door) to see my GP. “What’s she supposed to do?” I asked.

“What am I supposed to do?” said my GP when I told her the story. I don’t blame her. She’s not the specialist who can tell me whether it’s worth the risk to continue to use a recalled medical device. She contacted MedSleep. Medsleep called back. I can see a "specialist" (not the prescribing physician). But there is long waiting list. Get in line.

The email from SnoreMD concludes:

“Philips has not provided us with replacement machines…. [This issue] may take many months to resolve.”

I told the story to my psychiatrist this morning. She was flabbergasted. A psychiatrist is like a priest in the confessional. They don’t easily flabbergast.

I don't fly a 747. Nor do I perform delicate neurosurgery. I am a retired tax auditor. If I fell asleep during my day job, the worst result might be a little drool on an audit report.

Now I do mathematics. For fun. I write and make YouTube videos.

As the days progress, you may read some interesting articles from me. I intend to solve the Riemann Hypothesis*. I’ll take my million-dollar prize and pay someone to carry my 2’s for me.

😴 😴 😴

A version of this article was originally published by the author July 9, 2021 on Medium.com.

*The Riemann Hypothesis is an open problem in mathematics. Its solution has evaded the brightest -- and most well-rested -- minds for more than a century and a half.