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My Best Friend and Sister

by Gina Gibana Ramirez 4 months ago in family

Mental Illness Mania

Sometimes being alone can really be the solution. In a world where my mind goes crazy, I just cannot stop thinking foolish fantasies. I was diagnosed almost a decade ago, and I still have trouble being cognitive to reality. My mind plays outlandish tricks on me and I feel like it’s me against the world. My mind makes me feel like everyone hates me. People are talking about me. When I was young, I thought it was my self-esteem, but no, this is what the doctors tell me is part of my mental illness. I am really messed up. It started when I found out my sister was hanging out with my best friend. That really crushed my soul because I thought that it was real-life bullshit, instead, it was fabricated in my mind. I wondered in my mind if they were plotting against me? Did I do something to hurt my best friend? Here goes my mental mind going over to ask, Was it true?

As I wandered over to my best friend, I almost turned away. Instead, I asked, "So...what are you doing here? How come you didn’t call me first? You thought I wouldn’t find out, but I did!”

She turned around with her half-smile, “What are you talking about? I need a favor from your sister and we decided to take the kids swimming. Why are you tripping bruh?”

My absurd anger had my reply sound like I was a giant-slaying the land. I screamed, “TRIPPING? I just asked you a question. You must feel ashamed that you got caught. I knew you were no good. You lying, two-faced wench!”

I had no clue what was going on. My mind just made stuff up. I am not doing good mentally, I slipped and crashed. I fell hard! Mania was taking over. My mind was telling me that people were gossiping about me and talking nonsense. It wasn’t true, but I believed it. Talk about having the worst combination of self-esteem and mental illness. It only makes it worse!

I decided to take a walk by the frozen pond. The path there is a beautiful scene. When the sun goes down, it feels like the most magical place on earth. The beauty of it all will help me to calm down and feel better. I will put some relaxing worship music on and come back down to that beautiful feeling of Love. I just cannot be around anyone anymore. Everything in my mind is messed up. I always feel like bad things are going to happen. I worry about everything in my mind. I am like a bird who broke its wings and cannot fly anymore. I am trapped and I cannot get out. Somehow, I need to break free. What can I do?

The scenery here is beautiful. The branches are like still silence. The silence that I need in my mind. The frozen pond is shining like a diamond. It has flaws and cuts, but it looks extremely elegant. This pond doesn’t have to complain because it doesn’t have the manic mind of a human-like me. It feels depressing sometimes when I think delusional thoughts. I need to go back home and apologize. I know it is not my fault, but it is the fault of my mentally unstable mind. I guess it is time to go back.

As I head to the house, I almost feel embarrassed to talk. I walk straight to the back yard and my best friend is gone. My sister is sitting out there and she looks at me with disappointment. She tells me in a mournful tone, “I am aggravated with you right now. I don’t even want to look at your face. You know how to kill the party. As soon as you did that, she picked up her stuff and left. I hope you know she is pissed, and to be honest, I am too!”

In a humble soft tone, I replied, “I know sis, I’m sorry. I always mess things up. You must hate me. I hate me too.”

She walks up to me and hugs me, “No sis, I don’t hate you. I will never hate you. I just hate when your mind starts lying to you. It hurts everyone, not just you.”

I looked at her and replied, “I need to go back to therapy. I need to get back on my medications. I keep saying I am going to do it, and then I forget.”

I walked away and went to my room. I pondered in my mind about getting help and how I should do it. I always get sidetracked in my thoughts and I forget about the real issue. Something about being in this state of mind puts me through a freaking roller coaster. This roller coaster will burn after a while. I have to be careful when it comes to my thought process. I decided to call my best friend and apologize. I started dialing her number but my hands were shaking. I didn’t want to do this, but here it goes:

I could hear it in her voice already that she was angry, “What do you want?” she answered.

I quickly answered, “Hi,...I know you get tired when I get like this. I just called to apologize.”

Her voice sounded a little less aggravated and she replied, “I know! I was waiting for it. Girl...we have been friends for over a decade. There is nothing new that you do. I just get hurt when it happens. I hate that you have those insane thoughts. You need to put your brain in check!”

That last comment made me chuckle. I finally felt free to smile. “I know, my brain is on loco mode. I need to get steady back on that feel-good ride.” I paused for a second and decided to ask, “Bestie, I need help. I need someone to take me to the outpatient clinic. Will you help me out, please. I feel like I won’t follow up if there is nobody with me.

I didn’t hear any enthusiasm, but she did answer. “Uuuuuh I guess I can’t say no to you. I would feel guilty if you didn’t go. You totally need to get that chill pill, and YES, I do mean an actual pill!” She laughed

Man, I freakin love you. Thanks for not cutting me off like them Busta suckas you be dating. I don’t know who’s your victim this week, but thank goodness it isn’t me.”

Girl, who are you telling? I am definitely on a few bachelor’s radars this week. I can’t wait two weeks from now when I get to see babes at the lake. That is the reason that I was with your sister in the first place. She helped me plan a weekend ... Bestie, when I tell you ...it is on and popping. You better get your mind right so we can make this one for the books!”

I could feel my heart and my mind connecting into a happy place. I knew everything was going to be okay. The way we were talking again. As if nothing had ever happened. All I could think is how she was a true friend. I decided to end the call on a good note. “Okay, well, I guess I will get with you on Monday so we can do that. Afterward, let’s have a picnic out by the frozen pond. There is this amazing spot in the woods. I would love to show you.”

Damn, I knew it, you are gonna take me out there and kill me.” She chuckled, “Yes! Of course, we can do that. I will see you soon. Keep your head up and don’t let those thoughts run your life. We will get down there to the clinic Monday and get you on the better path. I Love you Biatch, I will see you then.”

The conversation ended on such a good note. My mind felt free to listen again to the wind. Feeling the cold breeze from outside, but it was the best breeze ever. There is nothing like having a best friend to pick you up when you fall. I am thankful that I have a best friend who will always be there for me even when I think there is nobody. I am grateful for my sister who has always shown forgiveness and love. These are times that being alone is not the solution. I was wrong. Being alone is my worst enemy. It is the enemy of my mind and I learned a valuable lesson. I hope it doesn’t ever happen again!

family

Gina Gibana Ramirez

My Disability Does Not Define My Capability. I have CFS and bipolar disorder therefore I write mostly mental illness stories for encouragement. Please show support to anyone with a mental illness. Leave me a Tip if you can. Thank You!!!

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