My Angel

February 4th, 2019 was the day my life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. Our lives were torn to shreds. Our family ripped apart. My heart, destroyed. Your trust in me, obliterated. Your heart and soul, so filled with light and love, joy and passion, kindness and caring, crushed. That was the day they took you away from me. The day they kidnapped you. Didn't they see that you were so loved? Couldn't they hear that you WERE in the best home for you? Your 5 year old little body faught so hard to try to get out of their arms and run to the police car, screaming for mommy and bawling your eyes out. I still hear it as if it's happening every minute of every day, over and over again. My Little Love, I'm so sorry. My heart will never be ok. I know you're doing well with your adopted family, and I'm thankful for that. So thankful. But oh how I miss you!

Everything was good for us, until I brought him into our lives. We had everything we needed, wanted, and more importantly, we had each other. For five years you were mine and I was yours. We didn't have anyone else. We didn't need anyone else. We were doing so great, just us, kicking ass and taking names, making every hurtle life threw our way look like a tiny pebble along our path. With your approval, Mommy made the decision to allow him into our lives. We thought it would be so good. It seemed so good, for a short while. We were all happy. We all loved one another. You asked him to be your daddy. TWICE!! That second time we had that serious conversation with you about what it would entail if he was your daddy. From always being there with us, to helping you with school work, even down to the punishments, such as time out, grounding, and taking away your toys, and you said "Let me think on this again ok?" Of course my Love! Within 20 minutes you came to us and said "I've made my decision." So matter of factly and mature that it was hard to believe it came from a 5 year old. What came next even more so. "I thought about what you guys said. I know it's a big thing, and that it's serious, so I thought hard. Mommy, you're my Mommy and Daddy. But now I have a Daddy so you can relax a little and maybe take a break. Yes, I want you to be my Daddy."

We three cried and hugged and were so happy with our little family. I was certain nothing would ever be able to change it or take it away. Until it did. First it was his screaming, yelling, manipulating, and mind games towards me. Never around you though. He knew better than to do that. He knew the second he got sideways in front of you we would be gone so quick he'd be eating our dust for days. I was fooled into thinking it was because he loved you and cherished you so much. That is what he said, after all. How blind I was. How dumb. I failed us. I should've known better. I'd been through similar situations. But I was being stupidly hopeful. I didn't want to take away the daddy you'd been wanting. The daddy you picked. So I forgave. Time and time again. Things seemed to improve for a short while. Then the explosions would happen. Always while you weren't home. A simple conversation would so quickly turn into me being thrown around, grabbed by the throat and held against a wall while being screamed at and shaken violently, intimidated, threatened, and destroyed. Then the mind fuckery began. The thievery began. The lies continued.

My truck became a victim in his attempts to control and frighten me. My money and keys would go missing. I was made to feel and believe I was losing my mind. Questioning my own sanity. Wondering what reality I was truly living in. None of it ever in front of you. I should've packed us up and left at the first red flag. I'm so sorry I failed you Angel. You deserve so much better, so much more from your mom. I failed us both.

Then the incident happened and you got caught in the crossfire. You were physically hurt. You had marks. You were scared. They came and took you the next day. No investigation. Just came and took me to jail and you to foster care. I can't begin to imagine how you must've felt. The pain and betrayal you must've been feeling had to have been extreme beyond belief. I know my pain was enough to kill me, because it did. The day they took you, I died. My life ended. You were my everything and you were so abruptly ripped away from me. You were ripped away from the only constant you'd ever known. Your best friend. Your everything, your "Wonder Woman" as you used to call me. Your heart was shredded.

I can never go back and change the way things happened, but if I could I would in a heartbeat. Even if it took my very last heart beat to do it. You didn't deserve to go through any of that Baby Girl. Your heart and soul were so pure, so innocent, so full of love. I'm so sorry you felt that pain. I'm so sorry you still feel it. I hope you know I have always loved you, and will never stop. I'll be here waiting for you to come find me when you're ready. Mommy will always be here, My Angel Baby, Adia-Mae.

I love you Eternally, to the moon and back again. Pinky Promise. Promise Promise.