Music That Moves My Bipolar Soul and The Playlist That Steadies The Pendulum

I have always loved music. My Mother likes to say that I could sing before I could talk and my daughter Rosaleen inherited that from me. Long before she could string a coherent sentence together she could sing the full score from Frozen. In my day it was Snow White. Rosaleen is like me in so many ways. She looks just like me when I was her age. She has my eyes, my nose and my whacky hairline with blonde curls that can't choose any kind of direction to fall in.

(That's Rosaleen above performing with my Partner Mario)

Sometimes I worry that my love of music, my looks and my all sass personality aren't the only things that she will inherit from me. Bipolar Disorder is generally accepted to be hereditary and mine became obvious after I hit puberty but my Mother has always said that she could tell long before then because of the way I would react to things. Those with family members who have the disorder are more likely to have it themselves and I can already see similar behavioural patterns in my daughter. I don't worry because I believe that having Bipolar Disorder would destroy her life, but I know from personal experience that it can be limiting and you have to work exceptionally hard to overcome those limitations, and no parent wants their child's life to be any harder than it absolutely has to be.

Over the years I have developed various coping mechanisms to deal with the extreme highs and lows that come with Bipolar and I've found comfort in my passion for music.

I've often described my Disorder as feeling as though I live my life tied unwillingly to an ever swinging pendulum with little choice as to which way it swings and very little chance of it ever completely stabilising and being constantly in search of a way to centre myself.

So; for this challenge I'm going to share with you my very own zen playlist. I don't meditate and when I exercise I prefer to listen to audio books than music because with two kids in the house it's the only time I get to absorb a book right now. That doesn't mean that I am a stranger to needing music to escape reality for a little while and bring myself back to a state of peace. The music on my zen playlist helps me to steady the pendulum, and that can both calm the manic episodes and pull me out of the worst moments of the lows. One day, if I need to, I can share them with my daughter and maybe they'll help her too.

“We have been given a challenging illness, and there is no other option than to meet those challenges. Think of it as an opportunity to be heroic—not ‘I survived living in Mosul during an attack’ heroic, but an emotional survival. An opportunity to be a good example to others who might share our disorder.”

- Carrie Fisher

Song 1

Ride - Lana Del Rey

Dying young and playing hard /That's the way my father made his life an art /Drink all day and we talk 'til dark /That's the way you road dogs do it /Light 'til dark

This song is number one on this playlist because usually I come to it when I'm moving into a low phase and 'Ride' reminds me that I'm not alone. Having Bipolar Disorder or any mental health condition, can make the individual going through it feel incredibly lonely. It's easy to forget that your people are out there and that you can find them, on the open road.

Song 2

Raise Your Glass - Pink

So raise your glass if you are wrong /In all the right ways, all my underdogs /We will never be, never be anything but loud /And nitty-gritty, dirty, little freaks /Won't you come on and come on and /Raise your glass

Everyone needs a little bit of Pink in their lives.

Pink to me is the epitome of punk rock and alternative living, while still being a kickass Mother and Wife. She can be feminine and masculine, she's unicorns, rainbows and New Rocks and I have adored her since I was thirteen years old.

A lot of her songs speak to me but 'Raise Your Glass' is the ultimate pump your fist in the air and re-centre your chi while you rock out to this anthem. Finding your zen through music doesn't necessarily mean that the music has to be chill in and of itself. Sometimes in order to find serenity, you need to get your heart pumping in the right way

When I'm manic it can feel like I have too much energy and I have to do as much as I can as fast as I can and the more I do the faster I burn out. Pink's 'Raise Your Glass' makes me feel like dancing. It grounds me rather than causing me to spiral out of control because it induces a real and natural mood high and gives me those throwback feels to my wonderful group of friends before we all got old and started settling down, rather than an ecstatic manic.

Song 3

Toss a Coin to Your Witcher (Metal Version) - Dan Vasc

He wiped out your pest, got kicked in his chest /He's a friend of humanity, so give him the rest /That's my epic tale: our champion prevailed /Defeated the villain, now pour him some ale

Okay well who doesn't love The Witcher? I mean come on! Whether you loved the games or the books long before the Netflix series graced our screens, we can all agree that Henry Cavill is the embodiment of Geralt of Rivea, and what a body it is.

The reason however, that this particular rendition of the song 'Toss a Coin to Your Witcher' (the original of which I had stuck in my head for literally months after I first saw the series) makes it onto this playlist, is for two reasons.

1. Dan Vasc has an amazing voice that fills my soul with complete joy and what he does with music never ceases to amaze me.

2. The way Dan has infused the metal vibe into this song always gets my head moving and it's really hard to stop myself singing along or at the very least lip-syncing. It can completely change my mood and give me the get up and go that I need whenever I have to dig down deep and find it.

(If you have never checked out Dan's YouTube channel before then I insist that as soon as you've finished this article you follow the link above to his channel. There is something for everyone and I promise you won't regret it.)

Song 4

Dream On - Aerosmith

Sing with me, sing for the year /Sing for the laughter and sing for the tear /Sing with me, if it's just for today /Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away

We never know how long we have on this earth. I could walk out my door tomorrow, cross my street and get hit by a bus. A depressing thought I know but not an impossibility. When I'm stable, whether it's a stable low or a stable manic, I know that every day should be lived as if it is your last. That doesn't mean that you have to do something wild and crazy every single day but it does mean that you should love to the fullest, be kind as much as possible and do as many good things as you can every day. When the pendulum swings, I find that concept difficult to hold onto.

'Dream On' is all about keeping your dreams alive in your heart until they come true and remembering that any breath you take could be your last so you have to live life to its fullest because it goes by so quick and so many take it for granted.

Song 5

Roundtable Rival - Lindsey Stirling

This piece is purely instrumental but it never fails to put me in a better mood. You can't feel like crying when you're jumping about your kitchen and dancing to this song. Lindsey Stirling is a violin master who understand music and knows how to translate her understanding to her audience. I believe that zen for me is happiness, not a manic episode but true happiness if only for a minute and this song is happiness personified to me.

Song 6

I Am the Fire - Halestorm

Am I brave enough? /Am I strong enough? /To follow the desire /That burns from within /To push away my fear /To stand where I'm afraid /I am through with this /Cuz I am more than this

Singing along live while Lzzy Hale belted out this tune in Belfast City was a night I'll never forget and the same night that this song became a fixture on this playlist. As she sang, I felt the lyrics move through me.

I've spent a lot of my life being afraid. Afraid of the people that hurt me, of myself and my conditions, of whether or not I was going to be a good Mother to two awesome children, afraid to chase my own dreams. That fear still raises it's black head. People talk about the flames of fear and I swear I have felt those flames singe my skin more times than I care to comment on, but, when I listen to this song, I am the fire, and the flames cannot touch what already burns.

Song 7

I Will Not Bow - Breaking Benjamin

I will not bow /I will not break /I will shut the world away /I will not fall /I will not fade /I will take your breath away

I actually started listening to this song after I broke up with my ex husband and then the boyfriend (aka huge mistake) that swiftly followed. I crawled my way out from under a rock and ended up sauntering directly into a hard place and it took me way too long to find my way out of both situations in their entirety. Whenever I would feel my resolve wavering and that brought me down, I'd throw my coat on, stick my earphones in, whack the volume up to max, go for a walk and play this song. It reminded me that I was my own person and that I was entitled to live my life my way, not the way someone else wanted me to.

Song 8

In The End - Black Veil Brides

In the end /As you fade into the night (Woo-oh-oh-oh) /Who will tell the story of your life /And who will remember your last goodbye (Woo-oh-oh-oh) /'Cause it's the end and I'm not afraid /I'm not afraid to die

Part of the low episodes that I have involve a distinct lack of motivation. For me this manifests a massive catch 22. I can't relax unless my house is clean, seriously it's a problem. Unless things in my home are as they should be, it's impossible for me to feel in any way zen. Without being able to muster up the stamina I need to complete the tasks, I'm really more akin to a trapped Rabbit that doesn't have the energy to go on trying to fight it's way out of the Poacher's wire mechanism, but is desperate for it's freedom than a prancing fawn, calmly going about its business in the woods.

This Black Veil Bride's song is my absolute go to when I need that cleaning motivation. At the first beat of the first bar I can already feel my body starting to come back to life and by the last beat of the last bar I have usually wound my way around to doing the first of the immediate jobs that need my attention around my home and I know that once I'm finished I will be able to sit in peace.

Song 9

We Don't Have To Dance - Andy Black

We don't have to talk/We don't have to dance/We don't have to smile, we don't have to make friends/Kids don't have to meet you/Let's never meet again/We don't have to talk/We don't have to talk/We don't have to dance

Andy Black. What teenage emo of my era wasn't in love with him in one way or another? I was no exception. I fell even more in love with him a few years ago wen I came across this single from his solo album, which to me has always felt like a love song for people with anxiety. Not a love song in the traditional sense as it doesn't involve two people falling madly for one another. Rather, it gives people with anxiety permission to be themselves. It's okay to feel the way that you're feeling, because I have felt that way too.

Whenever I'm feeling panicked or like the world is closing in on me because it expects me to behave in a certain manner in a particular situation and I know I can't, this song saves me. It gives me a little electric shock to my system that cries out, 'It's okay just to be you.'

Song 10

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye /So you think you can love me and leave me to die /Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby, /Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

I don't care what playlist it is or what it is for, it isn't a fully realised creation unless it includes at least one piece by Queen.

If you're anything like me, when you're feeling down it can be difficult to talk. Not just about the way you are feeling but about anything. The most general of conversations suddenly feel as though you've been stuck in a Nuclear Physics seminar and are expected to give a speech and you of course haven't got a dang clue what you're talking about.

My Partner figured out a solution to this problem one day in the car. He kept trying to talk to me and I didn't have anything to say back to him, I just couldn't find any words. So, he put some music on and the song he chose was 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' There is a reason that song features in so many 'try not to sing along videos' and that is because it's the quintessential sing along piece and everyone knows that you're supposed to head bang when it really kicks off #waynesworldreference. We sang, we headbanged, we laughed and after that I was able t find the words I needed to talk again. From then on whenever I found it hard to get my conversational juices flowing, I listened to this song to bring me back to life.

Song 11

Perfect Symphony - Ed Sheeran and Andrea Bocelli

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms /Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favourite song /When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath /But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight

As a rule, love songs aren't really my jam. I don't have anything against them they're just not for me. I am a huge fan of Andrea Bocelli though and have been since I first heard his voice on an old cassette tape that my Mother used to play in the car. When Ed Sheeran brought out a new cover of his song 'Perfect' featuring Bocelli I thought it was wonderful. Their voices were true to the description of the song, the perfect symphony.

It's a song that never fails to bring a smile to my face and leaves me feeling like I am floating on air.

Song 12

Nancy Mulligan - Ed Sheeran

She and I went on the run /Don't care about religion /I'm gonna marry the woman I love /Down by the Wexford border

I am Irish and I am very proud of that. It is a big part of who I am as a person. When I was growing up my family often went to a good old fashioned Cèilidh and I loved the dancing.

'Nancy Mulligan' always brings me memories of those times with my family and puts me in the mood to dance like I did in my youth. It's hard to feel low, when your mind is transported to the happiest of times.

Song 13

Butterflies - Lucy Spraggan

I'm done being old me and breaking all the rules, /Feel you could take me, show me who, /I could be in, just me with you, /I want you to know all the good and bad, /'Cause you accept that makes me who I am

I don't always feel loveable when the pendulum is swinging and I don't understand what my Partner could possibly see in me. 'Butterflies' brings changes the tracks and leads that train of thought back into his arms. Love can be a powerful force when you're trying to regain peace in your life and this song opens my heart to be heard rather than my mind which can often be so cruel.

Song 14

She Used To Be Mine - Sara Bareilles

And then she'll get stuck and be scared /Of the life that's inside her /Growing stronger each day /'Til it finally reminds her /To fight just a little /To bring back the fire in her eyes /That's been gone but it used to be mine

I love my children more than anything else in this world.

Since the first time I held James in my arms all I wanted to be was the Mother that he deserved. At times, I feel like my Bipolar Disorder steals that away from me. I'm often so tired I feel like my body has turned to lead and low enough that I wonder how I'm going to live the rest of my life feeling the way I do and knowing that it will always come back. Those can be some of the hardest moments for me.

'She Used to be Mine' could have been written about me. It's a complete story in one song and it is incredible. It's about woman who had suffered years of abuse at the hands of a man who couldn't love her the way a man is supposed to love his wife and in that abuse, she had lost herself. I know what that's like. To be abused. To look in the mirror and wonder where I had gone and who I was now. Then she finds herself with child and even though she's terrified, that life, growing inside her body gives her life too and reignites the spark in her soul.

If ever I find my serenity interrupted by thoughts that I am not a good enough Mother, 'She Used to be Mine' sends them packing.

(The original motion picture that inspired the musical)

Song 15

Something Wild - Lindsey Stirling and Andrew McMahon

If you're lost out where the lights are blinding /Caught in all, the stars are hiding /That's when something wild calls you home, home /If you face the fear that keeps you frozen /Chase the sky into the ocean /That's when something wild calls you home, home

I don't know many people whose lives have turned out exactly as they planned. Mine definitely hasn't. When our lives don't turn out the way we expect we often think about the paths not taken and the roads not travelled. Those thoughts have the ability to make us sad. We mourn the loss of things we never had and lives we never lived.

That's why 'Something Wild' is on my zen playlist. A song that tells us the roads we didn't travel will never be more important than the roads we did and that the lives we have built can be more wild and beautiful than those we did not.

(Clip from 'Pete's Dragon' where the song features)

Song 16

Rose's Turn - Patti Lapone

Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn? /Don't I get a dream for myself? /Starting now it's gonna be my turn. /Gangway, world, get off of my runway! /Starting now I bat a thousand! /This time, boys, I'm taking the bows and /Everything's coming up Rose!

Last but never least, Patti Lapone's 'Rose's Turn.' Every awesome playlist needs a banging Broadway number and for this playlist, this is mine. Aside from anything else Patti Lapone is a legend in her own right and anything she does to my mind is by extension legendary.

Rose's Turn is my own personal anthem. It was a part that I always wanted to play back when I had the confidence to take centre stage which seems like a lifetime ago now, but the song has never left me. I can often be found singing along to it as I write or clean. Both of my children know every word to it.

in August last year my best friend and my Partner convinced me to let them video me singing it and put it on YouTube to try and win some of my performing confidence back and even though it took quite a few takes and I was shaking through most of it, I enjoyed every moment of it.

There has been a lot of sadness in my life, but now it's my turn. I'm determined not to let my mental health dictate my life to me and so, everything's coming up roses this time for me.

If I ever I feel myself slipping back into that negative place where I don't believe I can be more than I am, I give 'Rose's Turn' a listen and I know that my life is ready, for me to reclaim its centre stage.