Me, Myself and I...and The Other Six

Most people who have Disassociative Identity Disorder, are just like everyone else.

Is that a shocking statement? It shouldn't be but because of the way we are usually portrayed in the media, those of us who have a diagnosis of DID are perceived as deranged psychopaths who have other personalities that pop out every now and again completely unbeknownst to us and go on a what is for that particular personality, a demented little killing spree.

I've never seen any film or read any book that included an individual with DID that had not committed some kind of crime or who at the very least was presented as being clinically insane. To this day I refuse to watch Split because I just cannot face yet another depiction of this sort. I'm not offended by these portrayals I mean heck I'm a writer. I can see the appeal of many complex characters within one body. I just prefer to stay away from that kind of storyline at this point in my life. It's become more of a personal boycott. When I see or read something that boring as it may sound features someone with DID just generally living their best lives, maybe I'll be able to stomach the more standard issue characters that are created.

For those of you who don't know, DID used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. It is quite rare and it can be difficult to diagnose because most people who are in the early stages of DID have no idea that their other personalities exist or what they are doing when they are in control of the body. First and foremost however, DID is a trauma response. This means that trauma occurs in an individuals life and they cannot process that trauma, their brain deliberately and completely refuses to accept that this trauma happened and so it creates a personality to protect the original personality from that trauma.

Over the years I have had a lot of people ask me what some might call pretty uncomfortable and invasive questions. Usually because they think I'm lying. This happened more in my youth. From the age of about seventeen I was very open about my DID. I was also a quintessential emo kid and a self harmer so most people thought I was faking it for attention. The reason that it doesn't happen so much to me now is because, well if ten years later and two children down the line you're still talking about your DID, people tend to catch on that it's real.

It's important to note that not everyone who has DID will experience it in exactly the same way. Pretty much like any mental health disorder/illness/issue. No one persons depression or anxiety is exactly like another's and DID is no different. So while I'm answering what I have found to be the most frequently asked questions after nearly ten years of being asked them, that doesn't mean that someone else with DID would have precisely the same answers.

Without further ado, let's begin.

1. How Many Personalities Do You Have?

I have six alternate personalities. Their names (in order of appearance) are Jane, Ascellia, Alicia (Alice), Kate, Rose and Loran.

2. How Do You Know Their Names?

For me the knowledge of their names came in lots of different ways. With my very first personality Jane, she told me her name or at least I heard her name in my head. I was seven years old and I would lose track of time and my Mum would tell me about conversations we had that I had no memory of. I heard Jane's name in my head with my voice but a very deep Belfast accent. Which was strange because though most of my extended family lived in the city of Belfast I was raised in a small town about thirty minutes away from it. With Ascellia, she wrote a diary entry and signed her name. Alicia or to those with whom she regards herself more intimately acquainted Alice, told her name to one of my friends that was aware I had DID. Kate and Rose who came along in a time where I had developed the ability to communicate with my older personalities revealed their names to them who relayed them to me and Loran identified herself to my partner at the time who was also aware of my DID.

3. Why Did The Split Happen?

Unfortunately I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life and it began when I was quite young. Some of that trauma I was shielded from by my gatekeeper personality, Ascellia. While Jane was the first personality I was aware of and I always refer to her as my first personality, it is far more likely that Ascellia actually came first. Ascellia more or less decided what memories I would be privy to and which memories I wouldn't. As I experienced more traumatic events, more splits occurred.

4. What Are The Differences Between You and Your Other Personalities?

To address this in full I would have to write a lot more than a singular paragraph but I can point out some of the key differences between some of them as examples. Ascellia, Alicia and Rose, all speak in a clipped English accent and have personal backstories that relate them to England. It isn't uncommon for alternate personalities to have their own backstories, for example Ascellia is much older than I am and talks about her own experiences of a life I have never lived and has a weirdly accurate grasp of languages I don't speak. Jane is much more aggressive than I am. I do not deal with conflict well, but Jane doesn't have a problem with it. One of her favourite phrases is, 'Let's call a spade a spade not a f****** chocolate tea pot. Jane was absolutely the wild child of our collective teenage years. Rose is very soft spoken and articulate. She is very intelligent and has access to intellectual information that I do not. Kate has a rough Dublin accent that can at times be difficult to understand and prefers to be outdoors hiking or camping. We also all like to eat, watch, wear and drink different things. We have different hobbies and interests and that can if you know us well make us easily identifiable when they are masking.

5. What Does Masking Mean For People With DID?

Usually this is in reference to a situation when I am not in control of my body and one of my alternate personalities is. Instead of acting like them, like put on a mask and they act like me. This has become easier with time for them especially after my children were born. The first priority for all of us is to be good mothers and not to sound arrogant but we definitely don't suck. The seven of us are in sync about the goals we have for our life and we work together as one to achieve them. That was not always the case but it most definitely is now.

6. What Is Switching?

This is when one personality switches to another. It's usually almost imperceptible unless you know what you're looking for. Just as an example, if Jane is about to make an appearance I or whoever she is switching with will crack their neck.

7. Can It Be Cured?

I don't like to talk about a 'cure' because I do not feel that I need to be cured, but I have heard of certain cases where the 'personality fractures were repaired' leaving the individual with DID a non plural person. In most cases however, the simple answer is no. Once you have that initial split, that's it. No going back.

8. Is It Scary?

It was at first. The blackouts were very disconcerting and often discombobulating. Now though it isn't. I'm used to it. I understand what it is happening to me and I don't really experience blackouts anymore.

9. How Did The Blackouts Stop?

The seven of us have what we call the mainframe. We can upload information and memories to that mainframe that allows all of the personalities to access it. I don't experience the memory of another personality but I can view it.

10. Can You Talk To Each Other?

Talk? Sometimes we argue. Yes now, after so much time we can communicate with another without it hurting (at first for me it felt very loud in my head) and without it being exceptionally confusing.

11. If You Could Get Rid Of Them Would You?

Once Upon A Time this question would have been met with an unequivocal yes. Now, it's an emphatic no. They're as much a part of me as my blood and my bones and in a way, I love them. Which I realise to anyone that doesn't have DID must sound insane but I really do. I've had therapy and I found it extremely helpful, but it didn't send The Girls packing and I'm glad. I feel that I have dealt with my trauma as much as any survivor can and I'm happy that The Girls are still here. In many ways they've dealt with it too.

12. How Can You Be A Good Mother And Have DID?

The same way any good mother is a good mother. I adore my children and so do The Girls. Everything we do is about their health and their happiness.

13. How Can You Be In A Relationship And Have DID?

Being in a relationship and having DID can massively complicate things. In terms of what The Girls and I want from a life partner, the criteria can be different and this has caused issues in the past. Jane in particular did not gel well with my youngest child's father. In terms of my current relationship, he made a conscious decision when we met and I explained that I had DID that he wanted all of The Girls to at the very least feel comfortable with him and have some kind of relationship with him, whether that be a simple companionship and friendship or something more intimate. He treats each of them as themselves and respects their individuality and so they came to love him. He maybe has more of a connection with some of them than others but they all approve of him and believe that we can work together to achieve our life goals.

Those are in my experience the most common questions I have been asked as an individual with DID.

We really are just regular people living the same regular lives as everyone else. We face the same burning questions every day like, 'what will I make for dinner' and 'how long do we have to go before it's bedtime for the kids.' Some things are slightly more complicated than what the average person might face but we all have our struggles; internal and external battles that must be fought and won in order to move forward in our lives.

People with DID are not the natural villains in a story. Most of us are the victims of villains in our own stories.