Munchausen by Covid

I knew it would happen eventually. With Omicron came increasing case numbers and an increasing contagion rate. Despite being careful, I knew catching the virus was a possibility. What I didn't expect, however, was the emotional side effects of Coronavirus for those with pre-existing conditions of Munchausen by Proxy trauma.

As a child who experienced Munchausen by Proxy abuse, I was raised with the conditioning that I am not a healthy person - something must always be wrong with me. I would receive love and validation from others when I played into these beliefs, so naturally I would follow the narrative. This conditioning began when I was so little that even I believed it to be true. Whether it be Muscular Dystrophy, Malignant Hyperthermia, or Mitochondrial Disease, I was programmed into becoming that sick child - she was my identity.

If your are curious about my story as a Munchausen by Proxy survivor, you can watch it here:

Something I have had to unlearn throughout the years since the discovery of my medical history (or lack thereof), is the cognitive behavioral patterns that have developed in response to sickness and injuries. You see, when you grow up conditioned to associate love and attention with displaying symptoms of a physical illness, you tend to exaggerate your own experiences and sensations - not only to others but to yourself as well. In the midst of unpacking that trauma and striving for self-improvement, I started to invalidate my own physical sensations associated with sickness. I haven’t had a primary care doctor since my pediatrician, and I don't go to urgent care unless it is absolutely necessary. Finding a balance has been a struggle but it is a major step towards healing.

Enter COVID-19. Since the beginning, this virus has been labeled as a threat that needs to be taken seriously. I watched it close down cities, I watched it cost my friends their jobs, and I watched it take the lives of millions around the world. My first reaction to the pandemic was fear - mainly for my health. I remember sitting on my couch in tears worried about my lungs. Even though I am a relatively healthy 25 year-old, I have had asthma for as long as I can remember - I’m pretty sure it’s the only illness that I actually did have as a child. I even use an inhaler as needed. I remained careful and followed all CDC guidelines, staying secluded at home with my partner, as I watched society begin to fight with themselves and discard the chronically ill as merely disposable.

Enter COVID-19 again. Literally. With almost two years into the pandemic I was fully vaccinated and boosted, and I finally began to take a deep breath. Until Omicron. Due to this variant's contagion levels. I resigned that sickness was a large possibility at this point. However, news articles claimed that this variant was “more mild,” which gave me more trust in my immunity. Unfortunately, mild does not mean immune.

I am now on day 4 of my breakthrough case of Covid and here is what I’ve been experiencing: fatigue so draining that I could sleep all day, a sore throat that feels like a fork scraping the bottom of a dish, chills that rival the Wisconsin winters of my childhood, brain fog that makes me question my status as an academic, and shortness of breath that weighs on my chest heavier than my 75 pound dog when he wants cuddles. That might sound dramatic, and honestly I’m not sure. That’s the problem. I don’t trust my own judgment on this.

How am I supposed to know what I am feeling in my body if I’ve been gaslighted into making up symptoms, and how am I supposed to listen to my body when I have had to suppress what I’m feeling out of fear that I could be “making things up?” And how am I supposed to feel like a healthy adult when what I’m experiencing feels like anything but a “mild case.” This sickness is unlike anything I’ve experienced before, and during my quarantine I have had time to sit alone in my feelings with my Vicks VapoRub and my pulse oximeter I impulsively ordered off of Amazon. In two days I will see my therapist virtually to unpack some of this, but in the meantime I thought I’d share my thoughts here in case any of you could relate. Please stay safe and healthy.